


Endurance Past the Point

by magickmoons



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sam/Jack UST, Season/Series 05, Suspense, Torture, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Whump, Wordcount: 50.000-100.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-20
Updated: 2012-03-25
Packaged: 2017-10-29 20:02:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 69,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magickmoons/pseuds/magickmoons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mission gone wrong leaves Sam in the hands of an unknown goa'uld.  Can SG-1 get her back?  And will she ever be the same?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set in early Season 5

“Major, you are drunk.”

She spun around trying to locate the source of the patently untrue statement.  After accidentally turning a bit further than she intended, she reoriented to face her commanding officer.  “Am not!” she retorted.  After a beat, she added, “Sir.”

From where he was sprawled across a couch in the corner of Jack O’Neill’s living room, Daniel drawled, “Let’s face it.  We’re all three sheets to the wind.” 

“I feel no wind, Daniel Jackson.”

Despite the room pivoting on an axis centered somewhere in his brain, Daniel quickly looked toward his friend to explain the colloquialism only to find the Jaffa’s mouth curved somewhat upward in a smirk.  Alcohol consumption made baiting his friend so much easier.  

Steadying himself so as not to slide off the couch, Daniel threw a dirty look in Teal’c’s direction.  “You know someday I’m going to remember you’ve been here for the better part of a decade and stop falling for it.”

The team was celebrating the first night of their first break after several long months of high-priority, high-stress missions designed to deliver a series of crippling blows to the System Lords. Tomorrow morning, Jack would be off to his cabin in Minnesota, and Teal’c offworld to visit Rya’c.  Daniel and Sam were, of course, using their time off to... work.  Jack always rolled his eyes when he thought about the fact that to those two vacation meant taking time off from long hours in the field to spend long hours working in the lab.  

Laughing at Daniel and Teal’c, Sam started to resume her course to the kitchen for the next round of beers when she very inelegantly tripped and would have gone sprawling if not for the quick reflexes of her CO.  She found herself snug against his chest and, while she knew very well that she should now stand up, she just couldn’t seem to bring herself to do so.  

Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to breathe in the unique woody scent that always seemed to surround him.  She allowed herself a minute to enjoy the feel of his arms securely holding her.  This was so not a good idea, the rational part of her brain screamed at her.  They kept walls up between them for a very good reason.  But Sam was inclined to give herself a little break tonight; she could still feel the chill that had run through her two weeks ago when she had stumbled across O’Neill’s still body as they had beat a hasty retreat to the Stargate.  Under fire and with no time to assess his condition, Teal’c had simply carried him the remainder of the way.  Fortunately, it had only been a Zat blast, and the colonel was already regaining consciousness by the time the arrived back at the SGC.  Still, if she wanted to reassure herself that he was still here and breathing, she didn’t think it was too much to ask. 

Jack looked down at Carter with a small smile, guessing that they were thinking very similar things.  He tightened his arms around her briefly.  It always surprised him how soft she was, given the fact that she was able to kick major ass any day of the week.  He gently rested his chin on top her head, closing his eyes for just a minute.  Then, sighing softly, he pulled back, slipping his hands under her elbows and gently stood her upright.  

“You okay there, Carter?”

She looked up into those twinkling brown eyes and smiled.  “Yes, Sir.”  Back to normal, then.  

He directed her to a chair.  “You sit and tell us what is so fascinating that it’s keeping you at the mountain this time.  I’ll go get the beers.”

They spent the rest of the night talking and laughing.  When Daniel, Teal’c, and Sam left early the following morning, it was with promises of ‘See you next week!’ and brief hugs.  Jack watched his team head back to the SGC with a smile.  They all deserved this rest.  And now, he was going fishing!  Humming, he gathered up his gear and hopped in the truck.  It was going to be a great week.

~SG1~

After a productive couple of days, Sam was excitedly giving General Hammond a summary of possible uses of her latest findings when Major Boarman entered the briefing room.  “Yes, Major?” the general questioned, acknowledging SG-5’s team lead.

“General Hammond, as you know, SG-5 is scheduled to leave for a scouting mission on P2X-791 in,” he checked his watch.  “Thirty minutes.” 

The general nodded.  “Is there a problem, Major?”

“Thompson’s wife just went into labor, Sir.  I’d like to give him leave.”

Hammond considered the request.  The MALP had shown no signs of civilization near the Stargate and it was just a routine mission to determine if there was anything of interest on the planet.  A three-man team could probably handle it.  Before he could answer, Sam jumped in.

“I could take his place, General,” she offered.

“What about your project?”

She smiled.   “It’ll still be here when I get back.  I saw the mission briefing; we’ll be back tomorrow.”  She looked at Boarman.  “If it’s okay with you, Major.  I can be ready in 15 minutes.”

Boarman smiled at her.  The chance to work with a member of the infamous SG1?  “We’d love to have you, Major Carter.  Just hope you don’t find it too boring!”

Hammond nodded.  “All right, then.  It’s settled.  Have a good mission.  And give my best to Captain Thompson.”

~SG1~

Later that afternoon, Daniel was taking a break to grab a cup of coffee in the cafeteria when the alert sounded an unscheduled offworld activation.  Out of habit as much as curiosity, he made his way to the control room.  As he entered, he was immediately struck by the palpable tension and a number of voices speaking at once.  He focused on the voice shouting over the radio.  He could hear weapons fire in the background.  General Hammond was standing next to Walter listening as well.

“Say again, Stiller.”

A tinny voice came through the speaker.  “The took Major Carter, Sir.  Major Boarman is dead.  They’re coming from everywhere.  Do we go after Carter?”

Daniel froze where he was standing, his coffee cup raised halfway to his mouth.  ‘   
Major Carter?’  What the hell was Sam doing offworld?  

The general paused for a moment.  “What’s your condition?  And White?”

“I’ve been hit, but I think I’m okay.  White looks pretty bad.”

Daniel heard White in the background.  “Just give the order, General.  We’ll go get her.”  His voice sounded thin.

The general shook his head.  “I want you boys back home now. Open the iris,” Hammond ordered Walter.  

Seconds later, three figures appeared through the gate, Stiller supporting White on his left and half-carrying the limp body of Major Boarman.  Energy blasts shot over their heads through the event horizon.  They collapsed on the ramp as the medical team rushed up to them.  Daniel’s eyes were focused on the shimmering event horizon.  “Come on, Sam.  Come on,” he whispered.  He knew they said she had been taken, but still he hoped against hope that she would appear.  Abruptly the wormhole disengaged.  Daniel felt like he’d been stabbed through the heart.  

Hammond was observing the activity in the gateroom.  Switching on the intercom, he said, “Doctor, I want to know the instant I can talk to them.”

Fraiser looked up briefly and nodded before returning to her duties, preparing to move the two injured men to the infirmary.  

Daniel walked up to Hammond.  “General, I...” he trailed off, not exactly sure what he wanted to say.  

Hammond looked sympathetically at the archaeologist, even as he barked out orders to the aide behind him.  “I want you to recall Colonel O’Neill and Teal’c immediately.  Deactivate Major Carter’s IDC.  And get me the video from the MALP.  I want to see what happened out there.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“And I want all available teams geared up and in the gateroom ready to go in 30 minutes ready for an SAR.” Without waiting for further acknowledgement, Hammond motioned for Daniel to follow him as he headed up to the infirmary.  Their eyes were immediately drawn to the flurry of activity centered around one of the beds.  Dr. Fraiser was performing chest compressions on White with a determined fury while a nurse administered oxygen.  Others came and went doing their jobs quickly and quietly as Janet shouted orders.  Daniel and the general waited off to the side.  Stiller, pale and bloody but conscious, was being cared for by another physician on the other side of the room.

After a few minutes, Janet pulled back and the frantic noise subsided.  Daniel winced as he heard the high pitched whine of the flatline.  Janet pulled her gloves off.  “Call it.  TOD 16:24.”  

Trying to regain her composure, she walked over to her other patient.  Stiller lay quiet on his bed, trying to ignore what he knew was happening to his teammate.  Janet listened to a status update from Dr. Warner and then gave the general a small nod, indicating that he could talk to the patient.  

General Hammond stepped up to Stiller’s bedside.  “Son, can you tell me what happened out there?”

His voice quiet and hesitant, he said, “They surprised us.  Or we surprised them.  I think they were there doing the same thing we were, just scouting.  Then it was an all-out firefight.  Majors Carter and Boarman were trying to hold them off so White could dial home.  They both went down.  I was able to get to Boarman’s body, but she was farther away.  I saw them carry her off.”

“Who was it?”

“Jaffa, Sir.  But I didn’t recognize them.”

Janet had been reviewing the data displayed on his monitor and interrupted.  “Just one more question, Sir.”

Hammond nodded.  “Can you describe their tattoo?”

The young man searched his memory.  “It looked like a lion’s head, sir.”

Hammond nodded.  “Thank you.  Get better, Lieutenant.”  Stiller sank back as Hammond and Daniel left the room.

They walked slowly down the hallway.  Although he appeared as composed as ever, Hammond was reeling from the rapid turn of fate.  At least half of SG-5 was dead, another in the infirmary, and Samantha Carter was MIA and wounded, if Stiller’s recollection was correct.  He turned to Daniel.  “Find me anything you can about this lion’s head symbol.”

Daniel, grateful for something to do, nodded seriously.  “I’ll find something for you, General.”  _And for you, Sam_ , he thought to himself.  They split up at the elevator as Daniel headed up to his office.  Entering with purpose, he suddenly found himself facing hundreds of volumes and realized he had no idea where to start looking.  All he had to work with was that it was probably a lion’s head.  _Okay_ , he thought.  _A Goa'uld we haven’t heard of before_.   Somewhere he had been keeping a running list of gods worshipped throughout Earth’s history.  Searching through the piles on his desk, he finally found the notebook.  _Lions, lions, okay, let’s start with belief systems from areas that may have had lions._ He sighed as he realized that it would be much easier to search had he actually gotten around to indexing his notes, or even entering them into the computer.  Taking a seat, he started skimming the pages.

~SG1~

Three teams were waiting in the gateroom when Hammond returned from the infirmary.  “All right, people.  As I’m sure you’ve heard, SG-5 was attacked offworld.  Major Carter was taken during the attack.  You are going through into a potentially hostile situation.  Your job is to find Major Carter.  If that is not possible, we need any information you can bring back on these Jaffa, who they worship and where they make have taken Major Carter.  This is time sensitive.  I expect reports every 30 minutes.”

He looked back up at the control room.  “Dial the gate.”

They encountered no resistance once through the gate.  The planet appeared to be as deserted as initial readings had indicated, with the exception of three dead Jaffa.  Pictures were taken of their tattoos and sent back immediately to aid in the identification of the Goa'uld to whom they had sworn allegiance.  The Jaffa who had fled the scene had given little thought to covering their tracks and one of the teams followed them till they ended abruptly.  Disturbed earth and scorched foliage indicated that they had boarded a ship at this point.  After several hours, the teams returned to the SGC, with little more information than when they had left.


	2. Chapter 2

“Kneel before Ugallu, your God.” 

Sam rolled her eyes.  “You guys really need a new writer.  That line never works.”  _But that does,_ she thought as the butt of a staff weapon jabbed her in the back of the knees.  She fought to keep her expression neutral even as the pain of hitting the floor jolted through her body.  She could feel a wound on her back where a staff weapon had grazed her and judging by the vaguely disoriented feeling and throbbing headache, she was pretty sure that she had been zatted as well. 

She looked up at the thin, dark Goa'uld towering over her.  He was swathed in multi-colored robes of silk.  A pendant on the choker around his neck displayed the same symbol his Jaffa wore.  He looked young, at least the host body did.  But his eyes shone cold and hard; a shiver ran through her at the absolute cruelty they revealed.  He spoke as he stepped toward her.  “You are of the Tau’ri.”

She looked straight ahead and said nothing.  He grasped her hair and yanked her head back so that she was looking at him again.  He smiled coldly.  “I do not need confirmation of this.  My Jaffa have gathered enough intelligence for me to be certain of this.”  Releasing her, he strode back to a throne that was set on a raised dais and sat. 

Idly, he picked up a chain that was resting on one of the arms of the throne and rubbed his fingers along it as he stared at her.  It took her a moment to place the familiar clicking but as she looked closer, she could see he was holding her dog tags.  He spoke thoughtfully now, as if pondering aloud.  “The Tau’ri have defeated many System Lords.  If I were to control their forces, I would be able to move to my rightful place.”  She could almost see the avarice in his eyes.  “So, Samantha Carter, you will give me the information I need to make that happen.”

She scowled at him.  “Not on your life.”

He thought for a moment before replying silkily.  “Well, surely it will be your life, at the end.  Stand her up,” he instructed his Jaffa as he left his throne once again. 

The two Jaffa flanking her each grabbed her arm and yanked her roughly to her feet.  She winced as the vice grip on her left arm aggravated the wound that Janet had stitched up after their last mission.  The Goa'uld circled her slowly, examining her from head to toe.  “I did not realize that the Tau’ri allowed their women to fight.  I am quite interested to get to know you better.  Tell me, do you train with your men or separately?”

She stood silently, unsure how much of this little show was to put her off balance and how much was information he actually wanted.  He spent about half an hour spouting off ridiculous questions mostly centered around her gender until he sighed at her continuing silence.  Just as she expected to hear the order of torture, he laughed. 

“So you want to play games?  I have time,” he said.  “Something you may find yourself short of very soon.  Take her away,” he instructed the Jaffa.

She was taken to a cold, stone cell and unceremoniously thrown in.  The door closed behind, leaving almost no indication of its existence.  The room was completely empty: no furniture, no windows, nothing.  Sam sat down in a corner of the room, her back to the walls and tried to analyze her situation. 

She was obviously in some type of Goa'uld base, but not knowing how long she had been unconscious, she couldn’t even guess if she was still on P2X-791.  SG-5 wasn’t expected to report in until about six hours after they had run into the Jaffa patrol.  She had no idea whether White had managed to dial in or not.  She had seen Boarman go down and there was heavy fire all around the DHD.  It was quite possible that no one at SGC had any idea for hours that something had gone wrong.  And if she wasn’t even on the same planet... 

She pulled her knees up, wrapping her arms around her legs.  The situation was pretty dire, but not entirely hopeless.  She was still in one piece and she wasn’t bound.  Her new mission objectives:  Keep an eye out for escape possibilities and hang on until help arrives.  To this end, she pushed herself back up and began a thorough investigation of her prison, looking for any weakness.

A painstaking assessment of her cell revealed nothing.  Disheartened, she sat back down on the floor.  In her mind, she was reviewing what she had seen between the throne room and the cell.  A number of hallways and a larger number of guards meant that a random escape attempt was likely to end in recapture.  Not that she wouldn’t try if given the opportunity; she would just prefer to formulate a plan with a higher chance of success. 

~SG1~

“General, this better be good.  And I am talking world-in-peril type of good.  Calling me back after two days!  For crying out loud...” They heard O’Neill’s voice before seeing him as he bounded up the stairs into the briefing room.  As soon as he saw the scene in front of him, however, he stopped.

Daniel was pacing, looking drawn and anxious; Teal’c (apparently also recalled) was seated at the table watching Daniel somberly; and the general appeared to have aged ten years in the two and a half days he’d been gone.  What didn’t escape his notice was who was wasn’t there. 

“Carter,” he almost whispered.  He could hear a part of his mind saying, _No, no, it’s impossible.  We’re on LEAVE; she couldn’t be hurt._   Nevertheless, he was not surprised when Daniel’s face crumpled and the general confirmed his fears with a nod.

“Major Carter was captured during an engagement earlier today on P2X-791.”  Hammond gave O’Neill an appraising glance.  For all his flippancy as he was entering, the man had obviously understood the matter had some urgency and come directly here.  Now he looked terribly out of place, standing shell-shocked in a flannel shirt, leather jacket and jeans. 

Ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach, O’Neill took his place at the table.  “What do we know?” he asked.  Daniel made as if to launch into the whole story, but Hammond cut him off and handed over a folder with the summary thus far.  Best to just give the man a few minutes to absorb the situation. 

O’Neill opened the folder and stared at the words on the first page.  He hoped that somewhere, some part of his brain was absorbing some of the relevant details; after all, the ability to process multiple things was one of the things that made him such a good field commander.  But all he could consciously think about was the last time he had seen her.  The feel of her, her scent around him as she had laughingly fallen into his arms.  That brief interlude that he had ended.  Forcing the image out of his mind as unproductive, he reread the report with a renewed intensity.

~SG1~

When she heard the door opening, she barely had time to jump to her feet as Ugallu and two Jaffa entered the room.  Two more stood guard just outside the doorway.  Without a word, the two inside the room grabbed her and pulled her to stand in front of the Goa'uld.  He stood there for a moment, hands clasped behind his back, studying her intently. 

“Do all Tau’ri women wear so much clothing?” he asked, his already amplified voice echoing eerily in the enclosed space.  An irritated thought crossed her mind, _What is with this guy and his fascination with Earth women?_  Suddenly, Ugallu moved his hands from behind him, revealing a nasty looking knife.  She tensed as he stepped toward her, her arms pulling against the iron grips of the Jaffa.

Slowly and carefully, he hooked the tip of the knife under the hem of her jacket and pulled it upward.  It must have been a very good knife; the jacket split in two with seemingly very little effort.  She continued struggling against the Jaffa holding her in place with no result other than to see Ugallu’s eyes light up with a decidedly unpleasant delight.  Opting not to give him the reaction he obviously was hoping for, she turned to mentally reciting the periodic table of elements to distract herself from what was happening.  _Hydrogen, Helium..._

When the knife failed to make adequate progress on the leather of her boots, he sliced through the laces and roughly pulled them from her feet _...Gold, Mercury, Thallium..._ and then proceeded to slice her pants from the waistband down the sides of each leg.  _...Uranium, Neptunium, Plutonium..._ The knife was sliding down her shirt now; she could feel the pressure against her chest. 

Having run out of elements, she reached desperately for anything else innocuous on which she could concentrate.  Hockey teams; she would pick her brain for all the hockey teams the colonel had mentioned lately.  He slid the shirt off her shoulders and it fell to the floor to join the remnants of her jacket, pants, boots, and socks.  _...Avalanche, Black Hawks, Capitals...._   She stood there now clad in only a bra, a tank top that was half torn from where the knife had pressed through her shirt, and cotton panties.  Apparently pleased with his work, Ugallu stepped back to admire her.  _...Red Wings, Oilers, Sharks..._

Again, the Goa'uld walked around and around her, viewing her from all angles.  _...Rangers, Flyers, Maple Leafs..._ She jumped suddenly when she felt his fingers brush up her arm then continue across her collarbone and concentrated on controlling her breathing _. ...Wild, Bruins, Flames_... All this time, he did not say a word. 

His fingers started to move down her left arm when they encountered the bandage on her upper arm.  Ripping the gauze away, he looked intently at the neat line of stitches that marked the healing cut.  Grinning maliciously, he firmly pressed a finger against the stitches.  Unwillingly, she gasped in pain and tears came to her eyes. 

Still silent, he dropped his hand and stalked out of the cell, the two Jaffa releasing her and following. 

The door closed as it began to dawn on Sam that whatever had just happened was over, for now at least.  Face burning with humiliation that she could no longer ignore, she hurriedly gathered her clothes together with shaking hands, trying to salvage anything she could.  He had done a fairly thorough job and the best she could do was to slip her jacket back on and spread her pants over her legs as she laid down on the hard floor.  She was now shaking all over, adrenaline letdown combining with fear of what would happen the next time she saw Ugallu.  She balled her t-shirt up to make a pillow and curled up as tight she could.  In addition to feeling violated and exposed, she was also very cold.

As she drifted into a restless sleep, she wished desperately that the rest of her team was there with her.  Not just for company and someone to share the watch; Ugallu’s behavior was so unlike other Goa'uld that they had encountered.  She could hear Daniel launch into a lecture theorizing on how his fascination with humans (or human women) had developed.  Teal’c would calmly inform them of the manner in which this type of behavior would be viewed by the System Lords.  And the colonel would tell them to shut up already, the guy was a creepy bastard and leave it at that. 

Although it was difficult to tell the passage of time (her watch had been taken from her while she was unconscious), it was perhaps the next morning when a Jaffa entered her cell.  Again she noticed two standing guard just outside the door.  He threw a bundle of cloth at her where she sat against the wall.  “Our Lord Ugallu requests that you wear this.”

She shook out the cloth to see that it was a long tunic.  She shook her head.  “I don’t accept gifts from insane false gods.”

The Jaffa leaned down, striking her across the cheekbone.  “You will not disrespect my lord again.  You will put that on, or I will put it on you,” he said with a sneer suggesting which option he would prefer. 

Although she wanted to fight, to exert some type of control, she recognized that this was not likely to be a fight she’d win.  Better to conserve her energy for the time being.  “I’ll put it on.” 

The Jaffa stepped back and watched her as she slipped it over her remaining clothing.  Then he turned and left.  It wasn’t until the door closed behind him that Sam realized that, so far, not one of these visits had included food or water.

~SG1~

Daniel wearily made his way down the mostly deserted corridor.  Checking his watch confirmed that it was well into the middle of the night.  Sam had been missing for three days now, he realized.  Coming to Teal’c’s quarters, he knocked softly, not wanting to disturb his friend if he was performing kel-no-reem.  They had all been working very long days and Teal’c had been traveling to different Jaffa rebel bases to gather intelligence on recent Goa'uld activities.  Almost immediately, however, he heard Teal’c’s deep voice.

“Enter.”

He opened the door and stepped in.  “Hey Teal’c.”  The Jaffa was sitting in a meditative position with candles lit around him.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Teal’c shook his head.  “I am finding it difficult to achieve the necessary relaxation.  Your visit is a welcome distraction.”  He looked closely at his friend.  He had no doubt that Daniel had been working for at least 18 hours and the exhaustion showed clearly in his face.  “You look tired, Daniel Jackson.  You should rest.”

“Yeah, I was on my way.  I just wanted to ask if you’ve seen Jack since he got back?”

Teal’c inclined his head.  “No, I have not.”

Daniel grimaced.  “Neither have I.  He hasn’t stopped by once to check on my progress or talk or... anything.”  He sighed.  “I’m going to go find him.  You wanna come along?”

Teal’c was already getting to his feet and extinguishing the candles.  “Are you worried about O’Neill?”

Shrugging, Daniel answered, “I’m worried about all of us right now.  I just think this is a time we should be sticking together.” 

Together they walked through the complex.  After checking Jack’s office, the commissary, the briefing room and control room, they finally found him sitting in Sam’s darkened lab.  Not bothering to turn on the lights, they simply left the door open, allowing the light from the hallway to spill inside, as they took seats themselves.

It had been a long day of sitting for Jack.  Sitting through meetings with representatives of other worlds who knew nothing relevant, sitting reviewing reports of other SG teams out there finding nothing relevant, sitting staring at gate addresses wondering which, if any, could be where she was.  SG-1, as a team, was nonexistent for the time being: Sam missing, Daniel researching.  At least Teal’c was allowed to go offworld.  Hammond insisted he need Jack to stay on Earth to help spearhead the search and rescue effort, but Jack suspected that the general simply didn't trust him offworld right now.

After two plus days of all this sitting, frustration building, all Jack really wanted a six pack and his telescope, but there was no alcohol on base and he refused to leave the mountain until she was found.  So he found himself here, in her office, driven by a need to be close to her.  Like Daniel, almost every horizontal space in Sam’s lab was covered with notebooks and research materials or alien devices.  But when he looked in her top drawer he found the personal mementos, the things that she wanted with her while she worked.  A photo of the four of them, taken at some party or another.  A drawing from Cassie. Cards and photos from her brother and his kids.  He had put all these personal items away over an hour ago but still could not bring himself to leave this room. 

After several minutes of Teal’c and Daniel sitting silently, Jack finally spoke.  “Did you need something?”  His voice sounded harsh with suppressed emotion.

Daniel answered, “I briefed General Hammond a little while ago.  I’ve come up with several possible names.  One of them I think is very promising: Ugallu.”

Jack straightened a bit in his chair.  This was progress.  He knew he should feel something, excited, happy, relieved?  But it didn’t seem to crack the shell that had surrounded his heart since he’d returned from Minnesota.  It took him a few seconds to realize Daniel was still talking.

“...don’t know much about him, but we’ve sent a communication to the Tok’ra.  We’d already sent them photos of the Jaffa, but a name might help too.” 

Wonderful, more waiting.  Jack cut him off.  “Great, Daniel.  That’s great.  Now go get some sleep.  You look like hell.”

Daniel took a deep breath to bite back the antagonizing response that came automatically.  Now was not the time to rile Jack up.  “Well, that’s not all we wanted.”

Jack looked at him directly for the first time.  “What?” he asked, exasperated.  All he wanted to do was to be alone right now.  He was sitting here taking meetings and making bullshit guesses about where to search while Sam was being held captive in who knows what condition somewhere out there.  That is, if she was even still alive. 

Daniel shrugged.  “Just thought maybe you’d like to talk.”

“No, Daniel.  I don’t want to talk,” he replied caustically.  “I want to go get her.  Why don’t you come back when we talk about that?”

“Jack, this is not the time to cut yourself off, to lock yourself away in the dark.  We all miss her.  We want her back too.”

“Indeed, O’Neill, I feel Major Carter’s absence deeply.”

Jack grimaced.  “You too, Teal’c?”  He felt betrayed.  He expected to try to be all ‘let’s talk this out’ but couldn’t he at least count on Teal’c to be all stoic and silent?

“We’ll get her back, Jack,” Daniel said simply.

Jack took a deep breath, shaking his head.  “You know, Daniel, I have to wonder if this isn’t when our luck runs out.” 

“I do not believe in luck, O’Neill.  Our skill and determination will find her,” Teal’c said.

Jack tiredly nodded.  “I guess that’s what we all have to believe.”  No one commented that his delivery was less than convincing.  He sat down again.  “So tell me what we know about this guy.  What’d you say his name was? ‘Ugly’?”


	3. Chapter 3

Sam blinked slowly against the harsh light. It felt like moving sandpaper across her eyes. Her tongue felt too large for her mouth and swallowing was painful. _Signs of severe dehydration_ , she thought to herself.  Lacking the energy to even sit up, she looked around only to see the same four stone walls, floor and ceiling.  In the first days of her captivity she had explored every inch of this cell multiple times, looking and feeling for any access hatch or circuit board.  There was a door; she knew that from his frequent visits.  But she could not find any mechanism to operate it from inside.  Not that she would be able to operate anything at this point.  She took a slow deep breath, her lungs feeling heavy and sluggish.  

In this room, she had lost all track of time, but she was sure that no one had come even to torment her in over a day.  Closing her eyes to avoid the pain of the futile blinking, she waited.  At first, she had been waiting for her chance to escape.  Then she was waiting for her team to come rescue her.  Now, she was resigned to waiting for death.

The sound of the door opening pulled her unwillingly to consciousness once again.  Prying her eyes open, she saw him standing there again.  Ugallu.  The Goa'uld stood looking down at her for a minute, a look of disgust on his face.  In his hands, he carried a small cup and plate.  Despite herself, Sam found herself making a noise of anticipation at the sustenance he appeared to be holding.  Weakly, she tried to push herself to a sitting position.

“No, no, Samantha,” Ugallu said in the reverberating Goa'uld voice.  “You have been too stubborn.  It is time that you give us something.  In return for which, you get these.”

Falling back to the floor, Sam groaned as she felt the impact.  Pain flared through her whole body at the effort and subsequent failure.  She panted shallowly as she looked up.  From the innocent questions regarding gender and social structures on Earth in their first interactions, he had quickly moved on to questions regarding her knowledge of Earth’s defenses, especially Stargate protocols.  Stubbornly, she shook her head.

Suddenly, Ugallu knelt beside her, taking care to hold the precious food and water just out of reach.  “You are dying.  I hold here your only chance for survival.  Will you not tell me just one little piece of information?  Just tell me your iris code and you will be rewarded.  Surely there is no harm in that.  They’ll have already changed it.”  His lowered his voice until it was hypnotic, seductive.

Sam laughed inwardly.  Did he think she was that stupid?  Interrogation 101: get the subject to give you information that seems worthless.  Once they’ve started talking, you raise the stakes. It’s much harder to refuse to answer subsequent questions after you’ve already responded once.

Again, she slowly shook her head, ignoring the room spinning around her.  “Not even to save your life?” he asked again.  Looking in her eyes, he saw her resolve.  Smiling, he rose to his feet and headed back toward the doorway, where ubiquitous Jaffa guards stood.  Sam relaxed infinitesimally.  This would all end soon.  She had passed the ultimate test.  She idly wondered if Colonel O’Neill would be proud of her for not breaking or pissed at her for getting herself captured and killed. 

 _Probably pissed_ , she had just decided when she heard it.  “Major, you held on.  You did your job.”  O’Neill’s voice was so clear, she found herself looking around for him, but there was just Ugallu walking toward the door. 

Suddenly he stopped, his face a parody of surprise as he turned to face her again.  “I’ve just remembered.  I can put you into the sarcophagus.  Bring you back for another try.”  He chuckled at the look of horror that crossed her face.  “But have a nice death this time.”  And he swept out the door, leaving her alone, dying, and hopeless with a new fear.  _How many times can I do this?_

~SG1~

Jacob Carter stepped through the wormhole into the SGC gateroom.  It had taken several days for him to extract himself from his assignment once the Tok’ra had first received the message from Hammond requesting his presence.  There was very little information, except for a request for anything they knew about a new Goa'uld presence, possibly calling himself Ugallu. 

Jacob saw Hammond and O’Neill waiting for him at the bottom of the ramp.  As he approached, he noted their identical looks of fatigue and a deep dread settled over him.  “George,” he questioned without even saying hello.  “Where’s Sam?”

The two SGC men started walking.  “Jacob, why don’t you come up to the briefing room?” 

Silently, the Tok’ra followed them into the hallway and up the stairs where he found Daniel and Teal’c already seated at the table.  He took a seat and waited just long enough for Hammond to be seated before bursting out, “Where is my daughter?”

“She was captured by Jaffa wearing the symbol that we sent through to the Tok’ra.  Dr. Jackson has tentatively associated with an ancient Mesopotamian god, Ugallu.  Is this a Goa'uld that the Tok’ra are familiar with?”

Jacob’s eyes widened as he connected what he was being told with the information the Tok’ra had gathered on Ugallu.  A slight dip of the head and a quick glow in the eyes let them know that  Selmak was taking over. 

“General Hammond, Colonel O’Neill, Jacob needs a moment.  I will converse with you for the time being.  There is very little recent information among the Tok’ra about Ugallu, but we have compiled what we can.

“Most Goa'uld view their hosts’ bodies merely as vessels; they do not interact with their hosts.  They pay very little attention to the sensations experienced by their human host.  Ugallu was reputed to take great delight in the sensory experiences of his host.  He enjoyed tactile sensations and scents and would often pursue situations in which he could experience new sensations.  It was for these predilections that he was ultimately exiled by the System Lords centuries ago.”

Daniel looked around.  So far, it sounded fairly innocuous, albeit rather unusual.  Teal’c was looking perplexed.  But Jack and the general both looked like they were waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And drop it did.

“He took a perverse pleasure in torture, his quest to experience new sensations often leading to his utilizing more primitive means of torture in addition to the typical Goa'uld pain sticks and hand devices.  He was known to keep a population of slaves for the express purpose of practicing these more hands-on techniques.”

A chill settled over everyone.  “He probably didn’t get to take his slaves when he was exiled, huh?” Daniel speculated. 

Selmak answered, “He did take a handful of loyal Jaffa with him, but no human slaves.”

Teal’c spoke up.  “Without humans to serve as hosts, the larvae that the Jaffa carried would die.”

Selmak nodded.  “As would the Jaffa themselves.  The System Lords felt that this was a fitting punishment.  To have his playthings stripped away bit by bit.”

“But now he’s got a brand new test subject,” Jack said bitterly.  Memories of his months in Iraq fueled his imagination even as he fought mental images of what could be happening to his 2IC right now. 

Trying to keep everyone from spiralling down a futile road, Hammond asked, “Where is he now?  Obviously, he has escaped his exile.”

Jacob’s face looked drawn as he reasserted himself.  “We don’t know. The Tok’ra were, quite frankly, baffled when they saw Jaffa still carrying his symbol.  It was the first that anyone has heard of him since his exile.  I’ll have to go back.  We are searching for him already, but I think I may need to motivate them a little bit.”  He looked around the table at the members of his daughter’s team.  He couldn’t remove the edge from his voice as he asked, “How did this happen?  Jack, how could you leave her behind?  You of all people...”

“I wasn’t there!” Jack burst out, slamming his hands down on the table.  Everyone at the table could hear the self-recrimination behind his words.  “I wasn’t there,” he said more quietly staring at his hands. 

Hammond cut in.  “Jacob, Sam was filling in on SG-5 on a standard recon mission.  They encountered Jaffa on the planet and there was a firefight.  I was the one who okayed her assignment and I was the one who made the decision to call the rest of the team back; one was already dead and the other two were injured.  If you have anything to say, you say it to me.”

Jacob looked at his old friend, desperate to lash out in fear for his daughter, yet cognizant of the fact that he would have done nothing differently.  “I’m sorry, George, Jack.”  He looked at them each in turn.  “I’m going to leave now and begin directing the search for Ugallu.  If we find anything more, I will make sure you get word immediately.”

Jack followed Jacob down to the gateroom.  As the inner circle started to spin, he opened his mouth to speak, then closed it.  There was no way he could ask Carter’s father what he wanted to know.  Trying again, he said, “Hey Jacob, can I talk to Selmak?”

The former general looked at Jack with pain in his eyes.  He could see the agonizing question on his face.  He put a hand on the younger man’s shoulder.  “Jack, I don’t know what he did with the women.  Given what we know, I can’t imagine...”  He stopped, took a deep breath.  “We’ve just got to get her back.”

~SG1~

A grinding noise echoed in her ears as she slowly became aware.  A widening stream of light fell across her face as the lid of the sarcophagus opened above her.  An analysis of her condition revealed that she felt significantly better; the obvious impact of the organ damage from her prior dehydration seemed to have been healed, but she was surprised to find herself still ravenously hungry.  Apparently, the sarcophagus could repair damage but couldn’t create food or nutrients.  She grimaced.  _Nothing like starting behind the eight ball,_ she thought wryly.

Suddenly a shadow loomed into her vision, followed quickly by Ugallu himself.  Instinctively, Sam scrambled to her feet, leaping out of the sarcophagus on the attack.  She lunged toward Ugallu, surprising him enough that she was able to land a solid punch to his face.  But before she could follow it up, he activated the hand device he was wearing and she found herself thrown backwards, losing consciousness as she slammed into the wall.

He stalked over to where she was sprawled on the floor.  He smiled as he settled himself beside her.  He grabbed her arm and examined it closely but could see no scar remaining under the ugly stitches.  _Such primitive reparative techniques these human employ_ , he sneered as he began to pull the stitches loose.  He looked at the tiny holes left behind; they would be gone after her next session in the sarcophagus, but he had plans for her before then. 

He ran his fingers up and down her arms, feeling her skin warm and soft.  His hand moved to her face as he traced the outline of brows, her cheekbones, her lips.  He followed the line of her jaw down the soft skin of her neck, feeling her fragile life force pumping.  Lower he went, resting his hand so that he could feel the rise and fall of her chest under the tunic.  He traced the swell of her breasts, closing his eyes as his host’s body suddenly reminded him of the pleasures that he had taken all those years ago. 

He stood, still staring darkly at Sam.  “Take her to her cell and inform me the moment she wakes,” the Goa'uld ordered his attendant Jaffa.  “I look forward to our next visit.”

~SG1~

It had become a ritual for the three of them to meet in Sam’s lab every night.  No one thought of going home.  None of them had seen Earth’s surface in over a week.  Some nights they would talk aimlessly about nothing; some nights the words just wouldn’t come and they would sit in silence, pooling their strength to face the next day.  Jack was always the last to leave.  Daniel strongly suspected that he had spent more than one night sleeping in Sam’s office chair. 

The night after Jacob’s visit was particularly somber.  None of them left the lab that night, staying here in her domain, where she belonged, wrapped in their own torturous thoughts, each refusing to allow sleep to deliver them to the nightmares they knew awaited. 

~SG1~

She braced one hand against the wall as her perpetually empty stomach tried to turn itself inside out.  She could hear him laughing even as the door was closing.  After the spasms passed, she tore off a piece of the tunic, now gathered around her waist, and carefully wiped away the semen and blood coating her thighs.  She looked blankly at the now damp cloth in her hand, surprised when her hand started shaking.  Throwing it away from her with what little strength she had, she jerkily rearranged the tunic and curled up in a ball in the corner of the room as far from the door as she could manage, holding herself tightly to try to stop the shaking that had now taken over her whole body.

~SG1~

It was twenty-five days before Jacob returned.  Twenty-five long nights where Jack’s sleep was filled with nightmares where he watched helplessly as his 2IC, his friend, was tortured mercilessly and he wasn’t there to help her.  Twenty-five long days in which Jack tried not to be resentful of other SG teams going about normal business.  Everyone had standing orders to keep their eyes and ears open for any mention of Sam or Ugallu, but the business of the SGC could not grind to a halt for one missing officer.  Hammond had at least taken pity on him and was now allowing him to travel with Teal’c or Daniel.  The two of them were visiting every ally possible in hopes of discovering some new information.  No one had any.

Jack was waiting with Hammond at the bottom of the ramp when Jacob came through.  It was evident that the stress had been weighing heavily on Jacob as well over the past weeks, but Jack didn’t care.  “It’s been weeks, Jacob,” he said in lieu of hello.  “Please tell me you’ve found something.”

Hammond looked sharply at his subordinate, but Jacob held up a hand.  “It’s okay, George.”  To Jack he said, “It’s a big galaxy out there.  Selmak had to pull a lot of strings to get as many operatives working on this as we did.  But it was worth it and I do have news.  Why don’t you call the rest of your team so we can all talk about it?”

Jack nodded abruptly.  “We’ll meet you in the briefing room in five minutes.”

Jacob shook his head as he watched the younger man stride through the door.  “You’re not giving him enough to do, George.  He looks like he’s going to explode.”

Hammond indicated that they should head up to the briefing room themselves.  “Until we get Sam back, he won’t do anything that isn’t related to finding her, Jacob.  You know that.  I’ve had to be damn careful where I’ve sent him the last few weeks.  Jack exploding in the wrong place could earn us even more troubles than we already have.” 

Jacob replied dryly, “He’s quite a dedicated CO.”  He tried to gauge his friend’s reaction.  God knows Sam would never tell him if there was something more than professional in her relationship with Jack O’Neill.  But he had wondered about the two of them for a while now.  And the haunted look in Jack’s eyes just now spoke volumes. 

Hammond kept a neutral face as he replied, “Yes, he is.”

Before anything more could be said, they heard the tromping of combat boots as Jack nearly vaulted himself up the stairs, followed soon thereafter by Daniel and Teal’c.  They all took seats at the table and looked expectantly at Jacob.

“Well, I’ll get right to it,shall I?”  He sat down as well.  “Ugallu is definitely out of exile and it looks like he wants to become a power again.  With a little bit of luck, we believe that we have identified the planet where he is currently staying.”

“You ‘believe?’” Daniel interrupted. 

“Yes, Dr. Jackson.  Given the urgency of this situation, we did not have time to perform as thorough a reconnaissance as we would have liked.  It is also difficult to plant a Tok’ra operative as Ugallu is the only Goa'uld present in the facility at the moment.  Their presence would likely be detected.”  Daniel nodded.

“We can give you a general description of the size of the encampment, but have no first-hand knowledge of the interior.  At this point, we have only noted a small contingent of Jaffa activity there.  It is our belief that their defenses will be low if we move soon.”

Jack shook his head.  “How did you get this information?  It sounds like nothing more than you’re _hoping_ he’s there, you’re _hoping_ she’s there, you’re _hoping_ that we don’t all get killed going in!  What, did you guys just pick a planet at random and say, ‘This must be it!’?”

“Colonel, that’s enough.  We all are sensitive to the stresses of having a member of your team in enemy hands.  But I would like to remind you that you are talking to a decorated former member of our Armed Forces as well as Major Carter’s father!  Do you really think that Jacob would be here if he didn’t believe this was our best chance at this time?”

Jack looked like he wanted nothing more than to lash out at the general as well.  For a few seconds the two men stared at each other, neither backing down.  Jack’s mind was racing, his heart pounding.  Finally, Hammond’s words penetrated the fog of adrenaline and he closed his eyes. 

Taking a deep breath, he turned to Sam’s father.  “I apologize, Jacob.”  He would deal with the fallout from his commander later.  “You really think this is it?”  Jacob nodded.  “Okay, then.  Let’s make some plans.”

The Tok’ra grimaced.  “This is where the bad news comes in.  There’s no stargate on the planet.”  Jack’s muttered “Of course not,” was ignored by most everyone at the table.  “There is a planet relatively nearby with a gate and the Tok’ra are willing to send a ship to transport your people from that planet to Ugallu’s.  It will take several days for the ship to be in position.”

Everyone surreptitiously looked at Jack, waiting for another explosion at the delay.  Even without the current stress, his dislike for the Tok’ra and their priorities was well-known.  Instead, he simply leaned forward and said, “So we’ve got some time to get this right.”


	4. Chapter 4

Each time she was revived, he had chosen a different method of torture.  And though he always had Jaffa nearby, he seemed to enjoy a hands-on approach to torture.  His eyes reflected a sick pleasure as she suffered at his hands.

This time he was burning her.  An array of metal instruments, many of which he had used previously to slice and pierce her skin, were heated one by one in the fire of a torch before he would hold them to her body.  The smell of her own burnt flesh had caused her to retch more than once as it filled the room. 

Today, he was totally silent.  There were no taunting words, no questions (either relevant or irrelevant), no commands or instructions.  There was only the hissing sounds of burning hot metal on flesh, her own groans and screams, and an occasional reverberating laugh from the Goa'uld. 

It felt like it had been going on for hours this time.  She thought that this was the second or third day of this particular torture.  In agony, unable to move without aggravating raw flesh somewhere on her body, her mind fixated on the sadistic glint in his eyes, she cried out, “God, what do you want?”

He grinned in a sickening sort of way.  “Not information this time.  I just want to see how much you can withstand before your pathetic Tau’ri body cannot take any more.”  He lowered the flat of the knife to her cheek and chuckled as her scream burst forth, a mixture of both physical pain and emotional distress.  This one was so much more fun than the slaves he had tortured centuries ago. They had always broken so easily.  He grudgingly noted that the Tau’ri may be made of sterner stuff than had once been thought.  Licking his lips, he bent to his task, taking advantage of each moment of her tortured consciousness.

~SG1~

She refused to open her eyes when she regained consciousness, instead reaching out with her other senses.  Even when she was fairly sure that she was alone, she opted not to open them, not wanting to see the damage to her body.  She shifted against the hard floor, an agonizing experience which called attention to each of the possibly hundreds of burns covering most of her body.  Based on feel and smell, the ones from the earlier sessions were already festering as infection set in.

“Wakey, wakey, Carter.”

She knew that voice.  She couldn’t refuse that voice.  Pushing up through the pain and fatigue, she opened her eyes.  Her heart beat wildly: They were here!  The Colonel, Teal’c, and Daniel.  O’Neill knelt by her side.  She was momentarily confused as she tried to remember where they were and figure out why the Colonel was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.  Her cheek responded with shooting pain to the smile that crossed her face.  She’d always liked him in jeans.  _But you’re not supposed to think about that, Sam!_ she admonished herself. 

“You okay, Carter?” he asked, concern evident in his voice.

“Sir?” she mumbled.  “I don’t know.”  She looked past him to Daniel and Teal’c, who seemed to be playing cards.  Where did they get a table and chairs?

Sam shook her head, closing her eyes against the pain that caused.  _This can’t be real_ , she thought.  She opened her eyes again.  They were gone. 

 _Hallucinations.  I’m hallucinating._   She felt almost guilty at the relief the knowledge brought.  Hallucinations indicated that death was once again near.  As always, she could hope that this time her death would take.

As she laid there wishing she hadn’t chased HallucinationJack away, she tried to calculate how long she had been here.  She estimated  that she had been captive for somewhere between four and six weeks.  Over a month and they hadn’t come for her.  Of course, they probably had no idea where she was.  She had thought that she had accepted that fact long ago.

It was just that when she had heard his voice, those instants before she knew it wasn’t real, for just a minute she had felt safe again.  Too tired and dehydrated to cry, she closed her eyes and wished for unconsciousness.  She was alone.

~SG1~

Planning had proceeded quickly and thoroughly at the SGC while they awaited the arrival of the Tok’ra ship at P9C-345.  It was decided to send SG-1, SG-2, and SG-7 through along with Dr. Fraiser and a small medical team who would stay on the ship.  SG-1’s primary mission was to recover Carter.  SGs 2 and 7 were to secure the building and, if possible, capture Ugallu.

After five days, the team leads, Jacob, and General Hammond gathered for a final pre-mission briefing.  The latest intelligence reports from the Tok’ra were reviewed and the attack plan was finalized.  Hammond looked at his people, assessing their readiness, especially O’Neill.  Everyone showed a higher level of tension than normal pre-mission anxiety, knowledge of the importance of this one weighing heavily on them.  O’Neill looked like hell, obviously had not been getting enough sleep for weeks, but Hammond saw no indications that he should be pulled.

“Gentlemen, you have a go.  You depart at 1400.”

~SG1~

It had become harder and harder to resist answering.  No longer was she trying to protect Earth; that was entirely too abstract a concept at this point.  She was simply safeguarding Teal’c, Daniel, and Jack.  She knew that even they would fade from her memory eventually, one by one.  And then, what would she fight for?

The beating had been going on for so long, Ugallu constantly shouting questions at her.  He seemed very perturbed, as opposed to the coolly clinical, psychotic calm that he usually exhibited. 

By this time, she was no longer able even to try to prevent the blows that rained down on her, fists and feet impacting against her bones.  She could feel herself losing consciousness, a blissful slide to oblivion.  She was dimly aware of klaxons sounding and heavy footfalls racing along the hallway. 

She slowly tried opening her eyes when she realized that he had moved away from her, only to realize that one was swollen shut.  Peeking through her one good eye, she saw him standing by the doorway listening to a Jaffa.  Blinking slowly, she saw another figure standing in the corner of the room.  As she fixed her eyes on him, Jack came slowly into focus.  _Not the Colonel,_ she thought.  _HallucinationJack_.

A shadow moved across HallucinationJack as Ugallu came back into view.  He raised his arm, the hand device glowing on his palm, as pain flowed through Sam’s body and mind.  Words reverberated through and around her but she was too tired to try to understand them.  She tried to focus on HallucinationJack standing behind Ugallu, sorrow and compassion playing across his face.  She caught his eyes, trying to hold on through the pain.

Just when she thought her skull was literally bursting open, the pain stopped building.  HallucinationJack was walking toward her.  She tried to sit up but he shook his head as he circled around behind her.  She felt him lie down, felt the warmth of his body press against hers as he wrapped one strong arm around her.  Bracing against the pain she was sure would come, she realized that she felt none anymore.  He murmured soft words of comfort into her ear.

She relaxed into her hallucination and allowed the boundaries between real and unreal to blur.  “Stay with me, Jack.”  She wasn’t sure if she had said it out loud or not, but she felt his nod and a light kiss on her head.

“I won’t leave you, Sam.”

She suddenly became aware of a figure looming in the doorway and tensed, her breaths coming faster as she prepared for another onslaught of pain.  She felt Jack’s breath on her neck as he quietly shushed her.  “You’re safe.”

~SG1~

The initial assault had been worryingly easy.  Word of their approach must have reached the compound and they found it mostly deserted.  The three teams made short work of the initial resistance near the ring platform.  SG-1 quickly began their search for Sam, leaving Ferretti in charge of the other two teams, who would secure their escape route and the rest of the compound.  Daniel, Teal’c, and Jack moved quietly up and down hallways; each empty room they found increased the despairing feeling that she had been moved with the mass evacuation.

Suddenly, Jack and Teal’c heard Daniel’s voice, panic echoing in every word.  “Jack, Teal’c.  I found her.  Oh god, I found her.”

He lowered his voice as he forced himself to walk toward the beaten and bloody woman lying motionless in the center of an empty room.  “Oh god, Sam,”  he whispered. He dropped to his knees next to her and reached a shaking hand out to feel for a pulse.  A wave of relief swept over him as he felt the very faint beat under his fingers.  When he pulled his hand back, his fingers were sticky with her blood.  He could hear Jack skidding into the room behind him, stopping motionless for a second, then telling Teal’c to stand guard outside the door. 

Jack hesitated only a second as he caught his first glimpse of his 2IC.  Of all the scenarios he had imagined, this wasn’t the absolute worst, but it was up there.  Teal’c nodded his assent to guard their backs as Jack looked at Daniel.  “Is she...  What’s her condition?” he gruffly requested.

Daniel licked his suddenly dry lips.  “She’s alive, Jack.  Barely.”

Jack nodded and suddenly bent down to scoop her up in his arms.  “Radio ahead and let Ferretti know we’re coming through.  Then let Fraiser know she’s got a patient coming.”  Racing back down deserted hallways, Jack tried not to think about how he could feel each one of her bones, nor how disturbingly easy it was to carry her was now.  Her face was drawn and emaciated under the swelling and bruises.  The now filthy tunic was bloodstained and singed, more holes than cloth.  He deliberately pulled his mind back to the task of putting one foot in front of the other. 

Ferretti joined up with them as the approached the ring platform.  Jack started talking the moment he came into view.  “Status, Major?  Anyone found Ugly yet?”

Ferretti answered.  “No, Sir.  So far, it appears to be mostly abandoned.  We’re sweeping the place now, clearing out any Jaffa remaining.”

Jack nodded.  “We’re taking her back the gate planet now.  I’ll send the ship back for you.  You good with that?”

“Absolutely, Colonel.  We have this under control.  You take care of Major Carter.”

SG-1 was already positioning themselves on the ring platform and they disappeared in a flash of whining sound and light.  Ferretti took a moment to process what he had seen.  Carter looked bad.  He had to assume the fact that they were rushing her back to the gate meant she was alive, but he certainly hadn’t seen any indication of life, except in the cautious way O’Neill carried her, carefully cradling her head on his shoulder.  Turning back, he vowed to take as many Jaffa alive as possible.  He wanted information on the bastard who had done this.

SG-1 materialized on the orbiting ship, finding both Janet and Jacob waiting anxiously.  The doctor moved immediately to do a visual assessment, then started barking orders.  “Colonel, put her on the gurney over there.  Lieutenant, we need an abdominal ultrasound en route and a blood draw.  Let’s start some IV fluids.  Once we’re back at the SGC, we’ll need an MRI and...”

The words started to blend together to the four men anxiously watching.  Jack gently placed Sam on the gurney and backed up just far enough to stay out of the medical staff’s way.  He looked at Teal’c.  “Can you let them know to get us back to the gate planet?”

Teal’c nodded and left.  Jacob looked between Jack and Daniel.  “What happened down there?”  His voice was tight and strained. 

Daniel answered when he saw that Jack couldn’t tear his eyes away from Sam.  “This is how we found her.  She was alone by the time we got to her.”

“Was she conscious?  Did she say anything?”

Daniel just shook his head, unwilling to trust his voice much further.  He shakily sat on a bench along the wall trying to rub Sam’s blood off his fingers.  Teal’c returned and silently took a seat  next to him. 

It was the pain of the blood draw that first pierced through to Sam’s consciousness.  And voices, that was different.  Usually there was just the one voice, but there seemed to be several all talking at once now.  The sounds bounced around her head; the more she tried to concentrate on them, the more they seemed to slip away.  Daring to peek through a barely opened eye, she saw slivers of the shadowed gold beams of a Goa'uld ship.  _What now?_

She felt a hand extending her arm again then something cold against the inside of her arm.  She tried to pull her arm away but found that the hand wouldn’t let go.  She felt the cold steel point of a needle and summoned the little energy that remained to her.  Instinctively, she lashed out, pushing against her assailant, trying to struggle up to a seated position, trying to open her eyes.  Frantic and exhausted, she did not make sense of what she was seeing as she continued fighting.

As one of the orderlies was thrown against the wall, Fraiser called out, “Colonel, we need your help!” He had already started moving toward the bed.  “Hold her still.  We’ve got to get this IV in; get her sedated.”

Jack tried to grab her hands but she was all over the place.  “Carter!” he yelled, trying to penetrate the panic.  “Carter, it’s us.  We got you.”  She paused for just a second, just long enough for him to grab her hands, holding them tightly against his chest.  She started to struggle again as he urged her to lay back on the gurney, but he leaned down with her, kept talking quietly.  He could feel her heart hammering against her ribcage.  “You’re okay, you’re safe.”  He just kept repeating the mantra over and over as he slowly moved one of her hands away from him. 

Fraiser nodded at him to continue as the she and the nurse gently resumed the IV insertion.  He could feel Carter tense beneath him, so he took his free hand and cupped her cheek softly, allowing his thumb to brush one of the few unmarred spots on her face.  It almost seemed to him as if she turned into his touch.  He felt the hand he was still holding begin to go slack as the sedative hit her system.

Fraiser said, “Thank you, Colonel.  We’re good now.”

Reluctantly, he stepped away from her once more.  Janet continued talking in a low voice to her staff as they performed a number of the portable tests they had been able to bring.  As they neared the gate planet, she stepped away from the gurney and turned to the four waiting men.

“It’s not good.  She’s going to need surgery to address internal bleeding, the evident damage to her face and head could easily indicate intracranial trauma.  She’s got some broken ribs.  She is obviously malnourished and severely dehydrated which is going to make surgery extremely risky, but I don’t think we can afford to wait.”  She turned to Jacob.  “Sir, as her father, you have the right to make the decision.  We can postpone the surgery until we have her a bit more stable, but we run the risk of her bleeding out.”

Jacob looked at his daughter’s teammates who looked as lost as he did.  “Jack?” he asked.  For all the closeness that he and Sam had rebuilt over the last couple of years, he was sure that the colonel would have a much better idea of what she would do in this situation. 

Finally, Jack nodded at him. “Do the surgery,” he said, silently begging whatever was out there that he was making the right decision. 

The ship’s pilot came back to let them know that they were in position to ring down to the planet.  Jack immediately resumed mission mode.  “Daniel, Teal’c, Jacob, and I will ring down first and make sure the area is secure and dial the gate.  Doc, you come down with Carter and your team and go right through.”  With one last quick look at Sam, they ringed down to find the gate area thankfully clear and in minutes were stepping back into the SGC to see the medical team hurrying the gurney into the hallway. 

Hammond was waiting for them at the bottom of the ramp, his face frozen in an impassive stare.  He nodded to the team.  “Colonel, report.”

“General,” Jack acknowledged.  “It looks like Ugallu had cleared out of there before we arrived.  There was some token resistance, but nothing big.  Ferretti is still back there directing the cleanup.  As discussed, we’ll send whatever Jaffa we take alive to Bra’tac after questioning.  Any technology comes back here.”

Hammond nodded.  “All right, Ferretti can handle the mission debrief.  We will talk more when Dr. Fraiser gives me her medical report.  Dismissed.”

~SG1~

It was hours before Janet came out of the OR.  They’d all taken showers and changed and then made their way to the makeshift waiting room (really just some chairs out in the hallway).  Daniel and Teal’c took turns going to get coffee and sandwiches for everyone.  It was obvious that Jack and Jacob were not leaving until they learned the outcome.

Jacob was able to maintain a certain level of composure as his worry was tempered by Selmak.  He spent much of the time watching Jack.  He would spend long periods of time with his head in his hands, elbows on his knees.  Then suddenly he would jump out of the chair like it was electrified and pace halfway up the hallway and back.  He jumped every time anyone entered the hallway and visibly wilted when it wasn’t Fraiser.  The anguish that emanated from him was almost too much to be near.

Jack could feel Jacob watching him.  At first, he didn’t have the energy to deal with whatever Carter’s father wanted to throw at him.  But there’s only so long he could put up with the staring and not talking.  The silence must be Selmak’s doing, because he was damn sure that Jacob Carter was not this patient.

“Look, Jacob, whatever it is you’re trying to say or trying not to say, can it just wait until we have some news?” Jack said when he could stand the silent observation no longer.

Jacob made a wry face.  “I just wanted to thank you, Jack.”

“For what?” he scoffed.  At this point, he didn’t feel like there was any reason to be grateful to anyone at all.

“For being her friend.  Sam has grown so much in the past few years; she’s exceeded my wildest dreams, both as a daughter and as an officer.  And I can tell from my talks with her that much of that is due to you.”

Jack shook his head.  “Some friend.  If I’d been a real friend, I would have dragged her away from this place and gotten her to take a real vacation.”

Jacob raised his eyebrows, a slight smile crossing his face.  “Is that what’s bugging you?”

“One of many, many things, Jacob.”

“Jack, Sammie’s always been like that.  Other kids would look forward to summer vacation for trips to the beach, hanging out, doing nothing...  Sammie would start planning her summer camps in January: space and science usually, but sometimes just to liven things up a bit, she’d throw in a theoretical math camp.  That’s just who she is.”

He paused, waiting to see if any of this was sinking in.  It didn’t look like it.  “Jack, she’s strong and I have to believe that she will pull through this.”  He could see Jack’s doubts at that statement, but forged ahead anyway.  “And when she does, she is going to need you more than ever.”

When Janet finally came out, Daniel and Teal’c had joined them in the again silent hallway.  “She made it through the surgery,” she preemptively addressed everyone’s most pressing question.  “I’ve called General Hammond.  He asked us to meet him in the briefing room.”  Silently they all filed to the elevator, her weary attitude warding off any questions on the way.

As they sat down, Janet gratefully accepted a cup of coffee from Daniel.  They settled and all eyes turned to the doctor.  She took a sip and put the cup down.  “She’s not out of the woods yet.  I am hopeful given the fact that she made it through surgery, but the next couple of days are going to be critical.  We addressed the internal bleeding and the ribs.  She is dangerously underweight and severely dehydrated.  We will slowly ramp up her electrolyte levels over the next week and provide IV nutrition.”

She sighed.  “I suspect that Sam was placed in a sarcophagus one or probably multiple times during her captivity.  The level of damage that we are seeing is just not commensurate with the amount of time she was missing.  The oldest bruises and lacerations I saw on her were, at most, four days old.  Now either they left her alone most of that time, or they used a sarcophagus.  I became convinced when I noticed that there is no sign of the gash on her arm sustained during SG-1’s last mission.  There should have been several months of healing before the scar disappeared.”

Hammond asked, “Well, are we sure that this is our Major Carter?”

Janet nodded.  “As sure as I can be, Sir.  Her DNA matches up, there’s no sign that she’s a robot or a clone or any other type of replacement we’ve seen before.  I think the sarcophagus theory best fits the facts at hand.”

Jack looked at his friend tugging at his fingers, remembering the horrible days after Daniel had stopped using Pyrus’ sarcophagus.  “Doctor, will she experience the same type of withdrawal symptoms as Daniel did?”

Janet looked regretful.  “I have no idea how many times he may have had her in there.  It’s hard to say for sure, but I believe it’s likely that we’ll see something along those lines.  This is another cause for concern, given her weakened physical state.”

Jacob looked at Janet.  “When will she wake up?”

“I’m keeping her on a light sedative for the time being.  Her reaction to waking the last time was extreme enough that I want to give her a few more hours before we try it again.  I’ll start weaning her off it sometime in the next 12 - 18 hours.”

“Very good,” Hammond said.  “SG-1, you are on stand-down until further notice.”


	5. Chapter 5

The doctor may have said it would be the better part of a day until Carter would wake up, but her team was not going to run the risk of letting her wake alone.  From the moment they left the briefing room, at least one of them was sitting at her bedside.  Daniel managed to get Jack to agree to get some sleep sometime late in the night, arguing that he would want to be awake later that day when she awoke. 

After the designated 12 hours, Fraiser withdrew the sedative from her medications.  She nodded to Jack who was sitting vigil at this point.  “Without the sedative, I expect her to wake sometime in the next few hours.”  Both understood her unspoken, _if everything goes right._

Daniel and Teal’c both came by over the next two hours, trying to entice him away for lunch, but he wouldn’t budge.  She would be waking up any minute now and he was going to be there.  It had been four hours now, and he could tell Fraiser was starting to worry.  But he knew his major.  She would come out of this; maybe she just needed a little extra time.

His willpower and short nap in the middle of night could only carry him so far, and he found himself nodding off in the chair.  He jerked awake suddenly when he thought he heard his name.  Looking around, he saw that the infirmary was empty.  Carter’s eyes were still firmly closed.  Just as he began to think it had just come from a dream, she twitched in the bed and quietly said, “Jack.”  Her voice was dry and hoarse and so plaintive it hurt him on a nearly physical level to hear it.

She could feel the dream slipping away from her, despite her best efforts to hold on to it.  She didn’t want to come back to the cold, hard cell that was her reality.  But try as she might, she felt sleep withdrawing its comforting envelope.  Physical awareness started to set in.  Trying to make as little noise as possible, she started inventorying her condition.

There was pain, all over, so she knew that he hadn’t put her in the sarcophagus yet.  Trying to move as little as possible yet find a more comfortable position then alerted her to the fact that whatever she was laying on was much softer than the stone floor of her cell, and warmer.  Finally, she heard a repetitive beeping.  It sounded so familiar to her; she felt like there was some significance to it, if only she could remember what it was.

Obviously, she had been moved.  To where and for what purpose, she couldn’t hazard a guess.  She needed more information.  That meant she would have to open her eyes and look.  This was always the part she hated; coming to, not knowing if he was there or not.  She prayed every time that she would be alone.  More often than not, her prayers went unanswered and she would open her eyes to find him focused on her with a lascivious impatience.

Reluctantly, slowly, she cracked her eyes open.  And the face that greeted her was the face she had been dreaming of, soft with concern and compassion.  She smiled; the dream wasn’t over yet.

Jack saw the dreamy smile cross her face when she saw him and her hand reaching out slowly to rest on his cheek.  “Carter,” he managed to choke out but couldn’t follow it up with anything.  He’d had so many things he wanted to say to her, so many ways he’d imagined welcoming her home, but now with those blue eyes looking up at him, he couldn’t say anything.  Not breaking eye contact, he reached for the button to call Fraiser.

Her smile faltered.  She looked around the room, trying to move her head as slowly as possible.  She swallowed roughly and then refocused on him.  “Are you real?” she whispered. 

His hand covered hers where it lay on his cheek.  “Yeah, this is all real, Carter.  We came and got you.”

Janet came in.  Jack quickly but carefully moved Sam’s hand from his face and laid it on the bed. 

“You needed something, Colonel?”  When she saw Sam awake, an enormous sense of relief flooded through her.  She hurried closer, examining the readouts on the monitor as she did so.  “It’s nice to have you back with us, Sam.  How are you feeling?”

Sam thought about trying to downplay the pain, but was honestly too tired.  “I hurt, Janet.  And I’m really thirsty.”  After all that time of not using her voice, every word she spoke felt like it was tearing through the dry tissues.

Janet nods.  “Colonel, maybe you could go down to the commissary and get some chipped ice?”

“Sure, doc.”  He didn’t point out that he knew the infirmary freezer had a supply of ice chips for situation such as this.  He figured it was Fraiser’s way of asking him nicely to get out.  He gave Sam a gentle pat on the hand.  “I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”

She tried to smile up at him but it was hard.  She didn’t want him to go.  It was silly and irrational but she already felt less safe with him standing only a foot farther from her bed.  He smiled reassuringly at her and walked out. 

She turned her head to look at Janet.  “Can I get something for the pain?” she whispered. 

Her friend shook her head regretfully.  “I can’t give you any narcotics.  Your heart is very weak right now and I don’t want to take any chances.  We’re going to have to tough it out.  I’ll get you some icepacks when I’m done here.”

Sam groaned inwardly and found herself wishing for the sarcophagus.  They finally get around to rescuing her and they couldn’t wait a few hours until after he’d killed and revived her?  Janet noted the flash of anger crossing her face.  She’d hoped the withdrawal symptoms might be held off a bit longer, but she was willing to bet that was what she was seeing.  She quickly examined the dressings on the surgical incisions and checked to make sure that the wrappings on Sam’s ribs were still secure.

“Okay, you’re looking good, Sam.  I’m going to go get those icepacks.”

~SG1~

Jack took his time heading down to the commissary.  He didn’t know how long Janet wanted, but he needed some time to process recent developments as well.  That look in her eyes before she asked if he was real had really thrown him for a loop.  He was used to his team coming to in the infirmary and having him be the first thing they saw.  In fact, it was a point of pride.  But usually what he saw when they awoke would be gratitude, sheepishness, or even plain old confusion.  If he had to put a name on what Sam was feeling when she saw him, he would have said love.

He wandered into the commissary making his way to the drinks station.  It wasn’t that he didn’t know she had feelings for him, or vice versa.  It was just that they had gotten really good at not letting it show, even to each other.  To see that in her eyes, when he had spent the last month fearing that he would never have the chance to see it at all...  And dammit, he still couldn’t do anything about it.

He realized he was standing there with a cup full of ice chips that he didn’t remember filling.  He shrugged and started to head out only to literally bump into Daniel.

Daniel jumped back.  “Hey, okay! I was calling you from...”  He looked back over his shoulder to indicate the door.  “Is everything okay?”  His brow was slightly furrowed with worry.  “Who’s with Sam?”

Snapping out of his personal reverie and back into team lead of SG-1, he grinned at Daniel.  “She’s awake!  Fraiser’s giving her the once-over now.” 

Daniel nearly sagged in relief.  Then his face took on the excited, little boy on Christmas morning look usually reserved for dusty temples and half-hidden writing.  “She’s awake?  God, that’s...  Is she okay?”  He was talking so fast, his words were rolling over each other.

Jack took a deep breath.  “She seems to be good, physically.  She recognized me, talked a little bit. I’m just here getting her the standard post-op ice chips.”  He looked down at the cup in his hand.  “I’d better get these back before they melt. Can you let everyone know?” 

Before he had even finished the question, Daniel clapped him on the shoulder and went streaking out of the commissary.  Jack nodded to himself.  “Guess so.”

~SG1~

Despite the general’s protestations, Janet refused to allow any debriefing until Sam had been awake and stable for 24 hours.  She really wanted to give her patient even more time, but recognized the need to determine any threat possibly resulting from her captivity. 

“Doctor, I need to at least know if she said anything to him,” the general was arguing in a hushed voice in Janet’s office off the infirmary ward. 

Jack was leaning against the wall near the door where he could keep one eye on the conversation inside the room and the other on Carter, restlessly ‘sleeping’ in the other room.  “I’m pretty sure she didn’t say anything, Sir.”

“Jack, I know how much faith you have in your people.  Hell, how much faith I have in them.  But she’s been gone for over a month and subjected to god knows what.  It is not inconceivable that she may have broken.”

“No, Sir.”  Jack’s firm response surprised both Janet and the general.  The doctor sat quietly at her desk, willing to let O’Neill step in to this fight for a little while.  It felt like she and the general had been 12 rounds already.  She knew that the colonel would protect Sam and actually may be able to get the general to back off for a few hours.

“And may I ask what you are basing this on, Colonel?”

“She would have told me.”

“Jack, she’s been in and out of consciousness.  There wasn’t a lot of time for her to tell you anything.”

Jack shook his head.  “It would have been the first thing out of her mouth, Sir.  I know her and I trust her.  She would never let this base be endangered when she could do something to prevent it.”

Hammond sighed.  The last thing he wanted to do was to make things worse for his officer.  “You’re willing to risk this planet based on how well you can read her?”

Jack pondered for a minute.  “Yes, Sir.”

“All right,” the general agreed.  “We’ll be back tomorrow, Doctor.”

Janet shooed everyone out of the room, checked on Sam one last time for the night and headed off to get an hour of sleep herself.

~SG1~

Exactly 24 hours after she had first roused, Hammond and O’Neill came to the infirmary.  Janet met them at the door, a stern look on her face.

“You can talk to her, but please try to keep it brief.  If you agree, I’d like to sit in with you to monitor her condition.  She is still very weak and I don’t know how she will react to, well, to discussing recent events.  Additionally, she is showing mood fluctuations and other physical signs of withdrawal.  It hasn’t been bad so far and she seems to be doing a good job keeping it under control, but just the same: be prepared.”

The three of them walked in to the infirmary.  Janet had moved Sam to one of the beds farthest from the door, attempting to give her some privacy.  Sam was very well-liked on base and Janet had noticed an increase over the last day in the number of duties that seemed to involve traveling the corridor outside the infirmary as people tried to reassure themselves that the major was actually back.

Hammond was the first to speak.  “Major Carter, I cannot tell you how good it is to have you back here.” 

She forced herself to look up as they sat down.  “Thank you, General.  It’s good to be back.”  Aside from Jack, _the Colonel_ , she corrected herself, returning for a brief visit after she woke yesterday, Janet had kept everyone out of the infirmary, which had suited Sam just fine.  She didn’t want people seeing her right now, seeing what she had become.  With Ugallu, she had long ago given up trying to suppress the screams, the tears, the moans and whimpers.  But here where they all thought she was strong, she could not, she would not give in.  So now she would put on her soldier face and say the things that were expected and then maybe they would leave her alone for just a little while and she wouldn’t have to fight to keep these feelings from bursting out at the seams.

The general smiled gently at her.  O’Neill nodded but was unable to force a smile.  Hammond continued, “We have just a few questions that we’d like you to answer today.  We’ll try to keep it brief.”

Sam just looked at them, waiting. 

“I guess we’ll get the hardest one out of the way first.  Did you reveal anything to Ugallu that may put this base or this planet in danger?”

Sam opened her mouth to reply but suddenly the words stuck in her throat.  _‘It is time you give us something,’_ Ugallu’s voice echoed in her mind.  She squeezed her eyes shut, pressing a hand to her forehead.

All three responded in alarm.

“Major?”

“Carter?”

“Sam?”

She could hear Janet getting up and coming to her side and waved her off.  Concentrating on deep breathing, she opened her eyes and looked at them.  “I’m sorry,” she said.  She wanted to explain this to them.  “Um, how long was I gone?”

O’Neill responded quickly, “34 days.”

She swallowed.  It was actually less time than she had thought.  “Okay.  Well, then I’ve spent the last month...” She trailed off, breathing heavily and then tried again.  “A month of trying not to answer anything he asked.”  She winced.  “I guess it is just a little difficult to change tactics this quickly.”

Hammond nodded.  “Take all the time you need, Major.”

She sat quietly for a minute, controlling her breathing and trying to relax.  “I didn’t tell him anything, Sir.  Not that I remember.”  She looked down at her hands.  “There are some blanks in my memory though.  But he never indicated that I gave him anything useful.”

“That’s commendable, Major.”

“Thank you, Sir.” 

Jack bit his tongue to stop himself from saying “Told you so.”  He knew his 2IC.

“Now, Major, Dr. Fraiser has seen some signs that you were in a sarcophagus.  Is that accurate?”

She chewed at the inside of her cheek as she nodded once. 

“Can you tell me how many times?”

She spoke slowly, not looking at any of them.  “Ummm, well, first time was dehydration and malnutrition, then blood loss, a ribbon device...”  She was ticking each thing off on a finger and it suddenly hit Jack that she was counting the ways she had died.  He clenched his jaw, concentrating on her fingers as she started on the second hand, rather than her words.

“... lastly, a combination of infection setting in to the burn wounds and dehydration.” She shrugged, “I guess the lack of food and water probably played a role in all of them.”  She looked down at her extended fingers and then back at the general.  “Maybe eight times?” she shrugged.

Janet interrupted.  “You said lack of food and water.  How much were you given while you were... gone?”

“None.”  She tried to inject as little emotion into the word as possible, but it still felt like she’d set a bomb off in the room.

Janet paled. O’Neill’s jaw was clenched so tight that it was a wonder he hadn’t broken a tooth.  Hammond had to take a moment before he could trust himself to speak.

“I think we can go ahead and stop now.  Major, if there’s anything you feel we need to know, please call me anytime day or night.  Other than that, I am more than happy to wait for your written report whenever you’re feeling up to it.”

“Of course, General,” Sam answered.

Hammond stood, O’Neill and Janet on their feet just after him.  “Thank you for your candor, Major.  I’ll let you get some rest now.”  He nodded to the other two and then retreated from the infirmary. 

Janet fussed around Sam’s bed, checking her vitals and generally reassuring herself.  Finally, she stepped back.  “Why don’t you try to get some sleep?  I’ll be in my office if you need anything.”

Sam just nodded as Janet walked away.

By this time, O’Neill had gotten his emotions under some level of control. He gave her a tight smile.  “I’ll let you get on with that sleeping thing.  You let me know if there’s anything you need.”  He patted her foot, looking kind of aimless. 

“Sir?” she ventured.

“Yeah?”

It was strange.  Earlier she had been so sure that she’d want everybody gone as quickly as possible, but now she wasn’t ready to be alone.  “Can you stay for a bit?”

His smile was a little less forced this time.  “Yeah, I can stay.”  He pulled his chair up closer to the head of the bed and settled into it.  “You wanna talk about anything?”

She was already laying her head on her pillow.  “Not really, Sir.  But maybe you could?”

He raised his eyebrows in question.  “Could... what, Carter?”

“Just talk. About anything.  Tell me about your cabin again.”

And he did.  He talked about the cabin and the lake and about the way the sunlight would sparkle on the water.  He told her about trees and the breezes and campfires at night.  And his voice surrounded her just as it had in her dreams and she slept.

~SG1~

SG-1 worked out a schedule where Sam wouldn’t be left alone in the infirmary.  The days that followed were hard.  While her physical recovery was proceeding as well as Janet could have hoped, the withdrawal coupled with the emotional trauma left Sam moody and unpredictable.

Three nights after her return, Daniel was sitting with her.  Trying to distract her, he had brought a chess board along and they were in the middle of a game.  She was having trouble concentrating on the game and Daniel found himself trying to scale back his play to give her a fighting chance.  He had just completed his move and looked up to see her expression darken. 

“You’re cheating,” she said brusquely.

“Nooo,” he responded slowly.  “That was a perfectly legal move, Sam.”

“No, you can’t...” She stopped, realizing she was uncertain of where the pieces had been before he made his move, but that did nothing to assuage the rage she felt building up.  She stared at Daniel, looking innocent and bewildered.  She looked at the pieces on the board waiting for someone to order them into place, attack and sacrifice, always pushing for victory. 

Her vision narrowed as the blood pounded in her ears, her muscles itched and shook with tension, and the rage kept building until she just needed to strike out.  She flung the chessboard off the table between them, pieces flying everywhere.  One struck Daniel in the face.  He yelped, putting his hand up immediately to his stinging cheek. 

Sam just looked at him, her eyes wide but cold and distant, refusing to allow herself to show weakness even as she felt her soul was crumbling apart.  She had hurt Daniel.  She wasn’t even sure what had happened.  Janet hurried over to see what the noise was about.  Daniel tried to wave her away.

“I’m all right,” he said quickly.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” she said as she firmly pulled his hand away from his face.  She eyed the small laceration critically.  “Sam, I’m going to take Daniel to my office and help him clean up.  You going to be okay here?”

She nodded sullenly, the rage had gone as quickly as it had erupted.  Now, embarrassment, fear, and self-recrimination battled each other for dominance.  Janet led Daniel into her office.  He protested the entire way.  “Janet, it’s nothing.  Just a scratch.”

She closed the door behind them and nodded for him to take a seat.  She picked up the phone on her desk and dialed what Daniel thought looked like Hammond’s extension.  “Sir, I’d like to request a couple of guards be posted outside the infirmary as we had discussed. ... Thank you, Sir.”

Daniel gaped.  “Guards?”  Janet winced at the betrayal in his voice. 

“It’s for everyone’s protection, Daniel, especially Sam.  I don’t want to put her in restraints, not after what she’s already gone through, but if she’s getting violent, it’s possible that it will escalate or that she could even turn it on herself.”  Daniel nodded unhappily, all too aware of the truth in that statement.  “So, I just want some extra hands around if she...” she trailed off, shrugging.

“In the meantime, maybe you’d be better off taking a break,” she continued.

“Nope.”

“Daniel, just until she calms down.  I don’t want you getting seriously hurt.”

“I’m not leaving, Janet.  If she doesn’t want to see me right now, I’ll wait in here or in the hallway, but if she changes her mind, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be more than 30 seconds away, unless Jack or Teal’c is here.”  He owed Sam that much.  The memories of his own withdrawal were kind of hazy, but he did remember arguing with her.  He couldn’t remember what about or what he said; the thing that stuck with him even all these years later was the look of shocked betrayal on her face.  They had never mentioned it; he had never asked her to relive whatever it was he had said.  But the fact that she had remained his friend after that meant that he would stay here and take whatever she dished out.

So, he walked back out to Sam’s bed, where she was listlessly turning a chess piece over and over through her fingers. 

“Hey,” he said. 

She looked at him, calmer, but still not trusting herself to speak. 

“So, maybe chess isn’t our game.”  That earned him a wry half-smile.  “Do you want me to leave?”

She shrugged one shoulder as if she didn’t really care.  But the look he read in her eyes was pleading. 

“Well, if you don’t mind too much, I thought maybe I’d stay for a bit more.”  He quickly picked up all the chess pieces and the board, putting them on the bed next to hers.  She handed him the last piece and then relaxed back into her pillow.  Daniel reunited the pawn with the rest of the set and turned back to find her watching him.  She slowly held out her hand.  He took it gently as he sat down, slowly stroking his thumb across her palm as she allowed herself to drift to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The next few days were difficult as Sam wrestled with fluctuating depressions and rages.  Jack, Daniel, Teal’c, and Jacob kept up with the visitation schedule to ensure that one of them would always be available if she wanted company.  Often she didn’t and whoever was there would be relegated to the hallway or Janet’s office.  Each felt it was worth it though, to have someone on hand for when the tears would start and she would reach blindly out, holding on to them like a lifeline.

General Hammond started every day with a report from Dr. Fraiser, keeping very close tabs on Carter’s progress.  Finally, the fourth morning after the ill-fated chess game, she had good news to report to Hammond and O’Neill.

“The worst seems to be over.  Her test results are all normalizing and it appears that she actually slept through the night.  Additionally, her physical recovery is on schedule and I am starting her on real food today.”

Jack asked dryly, “And what constitutes ‘real food’ in this case?”

The doctor hesitated before answering.  “Low-sodium chicken broth.”

“Delicious,” Jack commented. At Fraiser’s look of exasperation, he held up his hands in a placating gesture.  “I know, Doc, I know.  Start slow.”

Hammond interrupted.  “This is very good news, Doctor.  I’m sure we all thank you for your hard work.”  He cut his eyes to his 2IC while stressing ‘all’.

“Of course we do, General,” agreed O’Neill.  He spared a warm look for his favorite doctor. 

~SG1~

Jack was working on paperwork in his office after lunch.  With SG-1 not active at the moment, he had actually managed to get through a large chunk of the rather imposing backlog of reports that constantly littered his desk.  He would have rather spent all of his time sitting with Sam, but thought that might not be the best of ideas on a gossip-prone base.  So, he kept himself occupied and productive.

He looked up as Daniel knocked briefly on the open door to get his attention.  “Yeah?” he asked, going on alert.  Daniel was supposed to be on Sam-duty.  Fraiser would have called if there was an emergency, but just the same, he felt tension building in the split second it took Daniel to speak.

“Hey, SG-6 has apparently gotten themselves locked inside some structure on P7R-396.  Hammond asked me to go out and see if I can, I don’t know, read the instructions.”  Daniel’s annoyance that they hadn’t thought to read the instructions first was obvious in his voice.  “Anyway, I’ve got to head out, like right now, so can you check in on Sam?”

Jack stood up and stretched.  “And leave all this paperwork?” he asked with a smile. 

Daniel grinned back at him.  “The sacrifices you make for your team.  I’ll see you when I get back.”

As soon as Jack stepped through into the infirmary, he saw a paper cup flying through the air, crumpling against the wall, liquid splashing out.  Tracing its trajectory back, he saw Carter’s face set in anger which quickly changed to remorse when she saw him.

“I wasn’t aiming at you, Sir,” she stammered out, trying not to let her voice betray her emotions.

He glanced at the liquid spot on the wall well over two feet away from him and replied, “I hope not, Major.  Otherwise, we need to talk about your aim.” He wandered over to her bed where she was sitting up, with a laptop open on the tray table in front of her.

“You want to talk?”

She sighed in exasperation.  “No, god, no I don’t want to talk about it.” She laid back turning her face toward the wall, trying to regain her composure.

He shrugged as he eased down into the chair.  “No problem. I brought some knitting to keep me occupied.”  She whipped her head around in confusion, her eyes seeking out his noticeably empty hands.  “Just kidding, Major.”

She only barely resisted rolling her eyes.  “Very funny, Colonel.”

“What, you don’t think I could knit?”  Saving her from the forced banter that wasn’t going anywhere anyway, he indicated the laptop.  “Whatcha working on?”

“My report for the general,” she said quietly.

“Carter, seriously, you know you can do that anytime.  There’s no rush.”

She smiled weakly.  “I just want to get it over with, Sir.”  She had hoped that perhaps by putting some of it down on paper, it might stop rattling around her head.  It seemed that every time she closed her eyes, she would see Ugallu; every time she slept, she returned to that cell to feel him touch her, torture her.

He nodded.  “Mind if I look?” he asked.  If she didn’t want to talk about it, maybe he could get a clue from reading what she was writing when she decided that the poor cup needed to die.

She absolutely did not want him reading it.  However, she acquiesced, knowing that he would read it eventually anyway in his capacity as her CO. “No, Sir.  Go ahead.”

She turned her face away from him again as he pulled the laptop closer.  She didn’t want to see his expression as he read what she had experienced.

Jack put on a neutral face and didn’t worry about reading the beginning.  He would read the entire report in detail, alone, when she completed it.  For now, he guessed that whatever was bugging her was closer to where she had stopped writing.  Her final paragraph before the blinking cursor was about Ugallu burning her.  Jack froze as he read her descriptions of the instruments he used and the duration of the torture.  He concentrated on controlling his breathing before he attempted to say anything. 

“Sam, look at me.”

She reluctantly turned to him, but refused to meet his eyes.  She wished desperately that she could suppress her emotions, hide away the pain and the shame, but even with the worst of the withdrawal passing, everything still felt raw and too huge for her to contain. 

He looked at her carefully, trying to divine her mood without making her feel on display.  A faint flush on her cheeks, eyes cast down, hands open but fidgeting.  _Guilt?_ he wondered. She wouldn’t be the first survivor to feel that.

“Carter, you are not responsible for what that psycho goa’uld did.  You were amazing, what you withstood without breaking...”

She looked up sharply.  The look in her eye confirmed his suspicion of guilty feelings.  “You don’t understand, Colonel.  You don’t know.”

“Know what, Major?” he asked gently. 

“When he...”  She nodded at the computer.  Jack indicated that he understood she was referring to the burning incidents.  Her lip trembled.  “I would’ve told him anything.  Anything at all to make it stop.”  She looked at him, lost and scared.  “He just never asked any questions.”

Tears formed in her eyes as she waited for him to voice the condemnation she had been heaping on herself for days.  She wanted, almost needed, to hear it from him.

He sat back for a moment, scrubbing a hand through his hair.  This was a delicate situation and he didn’t want to say the wrong thing.  He had seen his fair share of soldiers returned from enemy captivity.  Coping mechanisms varied from person to person, but it wasn’t unheard of for the captive to become used to the treatment they received at the hands of their captors. Even being treated badly could be reassuring when it was the only thing left to count on.  The look on Carter’s face was practically begging for him to reprimand her, to tell her she was weak or a disappointment.  It was obvious to him that she wasn’t.  But would she believe him if he said anything else?

“Maybe you would have, Major.  We’ll never know.”  He saw the protest in her eyes.  “Aren’t you the one who keeps telling me that infinite possibilities exist in any given moment?”  Her eyes flashed at having her own words thrown back in her face. 

“Carter, you don’t know what you actually would have done if he had asked you anything.  The upshot of it is that he didn’t get any information out of you and for that, you can be proud.”  He could see the disbelief in her eyes. 

“But Sir, how can you...  I mean, if I’m ever cleared for active duty again, how will any of you be able to trust me?”

“Same way we did before, same way we do now.  You will always have my trust.”  He caught her eyes and held them for a moment before she looked away.  He hoped that he had caught the faintest look of understanding there.

They were quiet for a while.  She knew, without a doubt, that she would have answered anything in those days.  But the colonel made sense: ‘would have’ didn’t matter, only what happened mattered.  So why didn’t she feel better? 

“Colonel, I never asked.  When you got me, did you... was he...?”

Jack shook his head, wishing he had better news for her.  “No, he was gone before we got there.  Took almost everything with him, left a few Jaffa behind to give us a hard time, and scrammed.”

“Almost everything, Sir?”

Jack half-smiled.  “Yeah, Ferretti’s team brought back some sort of doohickey.  No one seems to be able to make heads or tails of it.  Maybe you can take a shot at it when you’re out of here.”

She tried to suppress the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach at the idea.  “Sure, I’d love to.”  She even managed to inject a shadow of her typical enthusiasm into her voice.

They sat in silence for a few minutes.  She spoke up.  “Sir, I’m feeling pretty tired.  If you don’t mind, I’m just going to get some sleep.”

“Not at all, Major.”

She laid down on her side, her back to him.  He waited for her to ask him to talk to her like she had every other time he’d been there when she tried to fall asleep, but she said nothing.  So he sat quietly, watching as her breathing eventually evened out.  He checked his watch; he still had a few hours to go before Jacob would be down to relieve him. 

He thought about the conversation they’d just had, her desperate cry for punishment.  All this time, his thoughts had been focused on getting her home.  He’d acknowledged, at least academically, that she was undergoing an horrific experience and that there would be long-term consequences.  But he had swept that under the mental rug with vague promises of ‘we can get past this.’ 

He realized that he had seen other flashes of this type of behavior in the last few days, but he had put them down to the withdrawal symptoms.  With that excuse rapidly fading, he had to face the fact that they were looking at probably months of therapy and even that was no guarantee that they’d get her back.  Taking a deep breath, he pulled the laptop back over and scrolled back to read her report from the beginning. 

It took him over an hour to get through it, due to his need for frequent breaks.  Even decades of military training couldn’t help him to separate the words on the screen from the woman lying a foot away from him.  Her report was thorough, not just in detailing her experiences at the Goa’uld’s hands, but in assessing possible strategic weaknesses: patterns, layout of the compound, number of Jaffa.  Despite his overwhelming sense of revulsion, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride that she had kept her wits about her for so long, cataloguing and memorizing everything she witnessed. 

After he finally finished, he found himself pacing around the infirmary, picking up and playing with objects that he was sure Fraiser would rather he left alone.  He checked his watch again.  Another half hour.  He was itching to get away from here, to get away from the heavy blanket of agony that was smothering him.  He needed to find a place where he could release it without worrying about it blowing back on her.  But he wouldn’t leave her to possibly wake alone.  He couldn’t.

He was playing with a blood pressure cuff, depressing the bulb with aggravated contractions of his fist.  Suddenly, he noticed the sounds from Carter’s monitor changing in frequency.  He hurried back to Sam’s bed.  The numbers on the monitor were going crazy, her heartrate surging, blood pressure; nothing was staying the same.  Fraiser came running out of her office. 

“What happened?”

He shook his head.  “She’s been asleep for over an hour.  I don’t know.”

Fraiser stepped back.  “She’s dreaming.”  She looked thoughtfully at the numbers on the monitor, debating the wisdom of administering more sedative.  Sam suddenly sat straight up and letting out an ear-splitting scream, nearly animalistic in its tone.  Her eyes opened and her hand flew up to her cheek, frantically feeling the still bruised, but intact skin under her fingers. 

Janet leaned in, speaking softly.  “Sam, honey?  We’re right here with you.  What do you need?”

Her breath coming in frantic gasps, her cheek still stinging from the remembered burn, she stammered out, “A mirror.  I want to see.”

Janet looked uncertain, but based on their earlier conversation and having read her report, Jack was pretty certain what Sam had been dreaming about.  He nodded at the doctor.  She retreated to her office quickly and came back with a small makeup mirror.  She handed it silently to Sam.

Summoning her courage, she slowly brought the mirror up to eye level.  Sam had never considered herself overly vain; she certainly took pride in her appearance, but did not place the premium on beauty that society at large did.  But she didn’t know if she could live with seeing the evidence of what he had done to her day after day after day.  She let out a sigh of relief.  The face staring back at her was still recognizable.  Much of the swelling had subsided and the bruises were mostly nasty shades of purple and green, but it was her.  The burns had been washed away by the sarcophagus.  Trembling, she handed the mirror back to Janet. 

Looking at Jack, she asked, “Could you tell me another story?”  Janet smiled and returned to her office, while Jack settled in his chair to regale her with the tale of his first time fishing.  He had learned over the last few days that it did not matter what he talked about, as long as it was something he could inject true feeling into.  Her eyes were growing heavy when Jacob stepped into the room.

“Dad?” she said sleepily.

“Hey, Sammie.”  He nodded at Jack who stood up and offered his chair. 

Jack leaned down and said quietly, “I’m going to go for now.  I’ll be back later.”  She nodded slowly.  As he walked out, he could hear Jacob talking softly to her.

He walked out into the corridor, anxious to find a space to clear his head but instead almost walking right into Sgt. Harriman.  He nodded to the gate tech and made to step around him, but Harriman said, “Colonel O’Neill, the general would like to see you in his office.”

Jack stood frozen for a minute, resentment welling up inside.  Was it too much to ask for a few minutes to himself to find a way to dispel all the anger and worry that he’d been suppressing for the last few hours?  He rubbed his hands across his face.  “In a while, Sergeant,” he replied tersely. 

“Sir?” Harriman was stunned at the colonel’s response. 

O’Neill said coldly, “Tell the general to wait 30 goddamn minutes.  I’ll be there.”  He turned on his heel and stalked away, leaving the confused tech wondering how to relay that message.

Teal’c was observing a mission briefing outside the general’s office when the very unhappy sergeant returned.  The general looked up from his desk.

“General, Colonel O’Neill said he would be here in 30 minutes.”

Hammond nodded his acknowledgement and Walter scurried from the office.  The general sat back, taking a deep breath.  He had been trying to cut his 2IC some slack given the stressful circumstances, but the rope was running out. 

Teal’c was also concerned when he overheard O’Neill’s response to the summons.  He quietly stood and left the briefing.  It did not take him long to find Jack assaulting the heavy bag in the base gym.  He stood there as O’Neill continued to work out his frustrations, his punches sloppy and unfocused, each movement fueled by raw emotion.  After a few minutes, he noticed Teal’c standing to the side. 

“The general send you to come get me?” he asked.

“No, he did not.  I came to find you because I am concerned about you, as is the general, I believe.”

O’Neill shook his head and headed for the locker room.  Teal’c followed behind him.  The brief workout did not seem to have been particularly effective.  Tension still radiated from the colonel.

“You feel great responsibility.”

Quickly toweling off the sweat, O’Neill grabbed a fresh shirt from his locker and started getting dressed.  He glanced at Teal’c.  “Yeah, I feel responsible.  Carter feels responsible.  We all feel responsible.  The only ones who don’t feel responsible are the Goa’uld, who are actually responsible for this shit!”  He slammed his locker door shut, the clang reverberating around them. 

Teal’c said, “There is nothing you could have done.”

Jack sagged back against his locker, resigned.  “I know that, Teal’c.  I just can’t help feeling...”

“You are not the only one who wishes that he had been in a position to prevent these events.”

Jack looked up.  On the surface, Teal’c appeared stoic as ever, but he could see the pain and regret in the Jaffa’s eyes. Another team member in pain that he hadn’t helped. “I guess I haven’t been the greatest friend lately?”

“Your priority has been Major Carter, as it should be.”

“My priority should be my team.  All of you.”  He couldn’t remember the last time they had all been in the same room together.  Probably waiting during Carter’s surgery. 

“O’Neill, the purpose of my visit was not to seek comfort, but to offer it.”  Teal’c nodded.  “After you have spoken with General Hammond, of course.”

Jack took the gentle nudge and heaved himself off the locker.  They walked slowly back down to the general’s office.  On the way Teal’c reflected.  SG-1 had been quite distant from each other lately.  He, Daniel Jackson, and O’Neill were no longer meeting together every night.  At first, Teal’c had thought that would no longer be necessary now that Major Carter was back.  In the Jaffa armies, it was a simple matter: either one was present and able to fight or they were not.  The Tau’ri took much greater pains with their injured warriors.  It occurred to him that perhaps the need for support among the rest of the team members was as great as ever.  And that support could only come, as it always had, from the unity of the team itself. 

Outside of Hammond’s office, Teal’c suggested, “I will spending some time with Major Carter this evening.  Perhaps you would join us?”

Jack nodded slowly, a small smile hovering at the corners of his mouth.  “Yeah, sounds good.  Maybe if Daniel’s back, he could make some time too.”

“I look forward to it.”

Jack tapped on the general’s door, mentally wincing at the dressing down he was sure was waiting for him.  He entered at Hammond’s acknowledgement.

"Have a seat, Colonel." Hammond pushed aside the report he had been reading and looked at O'Neill. "I understand a little of what you've been going through over the past month, Jack. Every commander loses people to death or injury and it is always hard. Particularly so, in this case. I will readily admint that thte bonds SG-1 shares are unique and stronger than most other units. I have tried to recognize that and be patient as you all deal with what has happened."

"You have been most patient, General. It is appreciated."

“That being said, Colonel, when I request your presence, it is at my convenience, not yours.” 

“Understood, Sir.  I apologize for my behavior.  It won’t happen again.”

“Good.  Now that’s out of the way,” Hammond relaxed back into his chair after handing a folder over to O’Neill.  “Ferretti’s after-action report.  I’d like you to review it, let me know if you have anything to add.  I also wanted to bring you up to date on the interrogation of Ugallu’s Jaffa.”

“Let me guess, they’re not saying anything,” Jack commented.

“No, they aren’t,” the general agreed.  “However, our interrogators and Bra’tac both believe that it’s because they don’t know anything rather than loyalty to the goa’uld.  He never meant for them to rejoin him.”

“Damn,” Jack swore softly.  It had been a long shot, but he had really been hoping to get a shot at the bastard himself.

~SG1~

Daniel did indeed make it back and joined the others in the infirmary that evening.  When Sam looked up to see all three of them walking in, a genuine smile crossed her face, only for a few seconds, but it was there. 

With his talent for defusing tense situations, Daniel took charge of the conversation as they tried to feel out the new group dynamic.  Sam tried to participate, but often found her mind wandering and would spend long periods without saying anything at all.  She did laugh briefly at Daniel’s retelling of his adventures earlier that day which apparently centered on a mistranslation of ‘down’ as ‘up’.  All he’d had to do was hike several miles to read how to flip a switch.

Eventually, she settled back on the bed and just let them talk around her.  It felt right and wrong at the same time, but their voices were soothing and reminiscent of what her life had once been like.  For a minute, she let herself believe that she might get to have that again someday. 


	7. Chapter 7

The next few days took on a new pattern as the members of SG-1 tried to find some time every day to spend with Sam en masse, usually sharing mealtimes with her.  They had abandoned the twenty-four vigil rotation after she threatened to bodily throw Daniel out of the infirmary for treating her like an invalid.  She began to take a more active role in their conversations, talking as she toyed with her soups and mashed potatoes.  Eventually, they could cajole her into finishing whatever was on her tray, but she did it to please them rather than out of any appetite of her own. 

The advantage to them all leaving her alone was that none of them was around to see how drained she was after these interactions.  Staying focused on the conversation, ignoring the near constant headache she seemed to have, and trying not to jump anytime one of them touched her used all of her available energy.  Janet and the other medical personnel could obviously tell that Sam was fatigued, but it was easier to hide the extent from them, just like she hid the headaches. 

What she couldn’t hide were the nightmares.  The colonel had told her about her extreme physical reaction showing up on the monitor, so she wasn’t surprised when Janet would ask kindly, “More nightmares last night?” after a particularly bad night.  Sam would just nod and focus on trying to wipe those memories from her mind.

Finally, one morning Janet followed up the standard exam with a smile.  “It looks like you’re going to get out of here soon.  Maybe tomorrow.”

“Really?” Sam asked.

“Really.  I’m going to want you to stay in your quarters here on-base for the time being, maybe another week.  We’re still going to have to do daily blood tests and I’m going to be monitoring your weight gain and energy levels, but I don’t see any reason why you have to stay here.  And before you ask, I will authorize a return to light duty.  I know there’s no way I can keep you out of your lab.  But, Sam, light duty means _light_ duty.  No all nighters, nothing physical.  Just research and lab work, right?”

“Right,” she nodded vigorously, regretting it instantly when the headache blossomed again. 

“Your return to duty is also contingent on your meeting with Dr. MacKenzie on an ongoing basis beginning this afternoon.”

The dull throb inside her skull beat double-time at the thought of sitting with the psychiatrist but she didn’t bother to protest.  SOP.  Military personnel subjected to emotionally traumatic hostage situations must be cleared by a mental health specialist to return to active duty.  And she wanted to get back out there, needed to with a burning desire that she hadn’t felt since Daniel had been picked over her for the first Abydos mission.  The intensity of her desire almost scared her.

Gripping her hands tightly to suppress the shaking, wondering whether it was the headache or the need causing the tremors, she simply nodded and asked, “What time?”

~SG1~

Sam tried her best to tamp down the automatic feelings of animosity at Dr. MacKenzie’s appearance.  Taking deep breaths through her nose, she smiled as he took a seat by her bedside.  In deference to her impending discharge, Janet had finally unhooked her from the monitor, so there were no little alarms or increasing beeps to give her subterfuge away. 

Settled, he pulled out a portable recorder, stated the date, time, and participants and began.  “Major Carter, first let me say how glad I was to hear of your rescue.  The entire SGC was pulling for you.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“Obviously, Major, you understand the purpose of these sessions.  I’ve reviewed the report you submitted to General Hammond, so I have some idea of what happened to you physically.  But what I’d like to deal with here is the impact this experience has had on you emotionally.  Can you tell me how you feel about what happened to you?”

She concentrated on more deep breaths, trying to shake off her irritation at the absolute ridiculousness of the question.  Her annoyance passed and she answered.  “I... I don’t think there’s a word that even begins to describe how I feel.”

“I understand you think that Major, but I believe that your problem may be that you are not quite aware of what you’re feeling right now.  My job is to help you with that.”

And there it was: that oily condescension, the implication that she did not know her own mind, her own body.  She felt her heart beating faster and clenched the sheets in her fists, trying to control the anger that kept building. 

He noted her reaction but said nothing about it, moving on instead.  “Dr. Fraiser tells me that  you’ve been having nightmares.”

She nodded, thinking that she couldn’t wait to get out of here and enjoy even just a little privacy. 

“Can you tell me about them?” he prodded.

“Just memories, I guess,” she began.  “Of what happened.”  She kept her voice steady.  That was true for the most part.  He didn’t need to know that she had awoken last night, fighting the scream in her throat as Daniel and Teal’c had held her still in that featureless room while Colonel O’Neill drew ever closer, a predatory look in his eye as the hand device on his palm radiated its light.

No one needed to know about that.

~SG1~

The following morning Sam was surprised when one of the nurses came to check her vitals before her release.  After everything had been recorded and Janet still hadn’t shown up, she had to ask.  “Where’s Dr. Fraiser?  I would have thought that she would insist on being the one to give me the all-clear.”

“Oh, no, well, she left very specific instructions as to the conditions of your discharge; all of which you met by the way,” the nurse, Captain Richardson if Sam remembered right, said.  She handed Sam some BDUs and pulled the screen so she could change.

“Okay, but where is she?” Sam reiterated through the curtain.

“There was a Goa’uld attack on, umm... Cartago, I think.  All available personnel were sent out last night to assist the survivors.  Dr. Fraiser went with them.”

“What teams?” Sam asked, pretty sure she knew part of the answer by the obvious lack of hovering teammates this morning.

“SGs 1, 9, and 14, Ma’am.”

Sam felt a little twinge of jealousy, which she quickly chided herself was unbecoming.  She slowly finished dressing and pulled back the curtain.  “Well,” she shrugged.  “I guess I’m on my own.”

“I can walk you down to your quarters, Major,” Richardson offered.

“No, thank you, Captain.  I think I’ll do just fine on my own.”  She had no intention of laying around in her quarters all day.  First order of business was a shower by herself followed by a visit to her lab.

Her lab seemed cold, almost deserted, as she turned on the lights. The first thing that caught her eye was a medium-sized, black, multi-faceted device sitting on the counter.  A sticky note hung from it, the colonel’s writing advising her that this was the mysterious ‘doohickey’ and could she please work her magic on it.  She grimaced.  He probably thought he was leaving her a treat, but just looking at it made her headache worse.  She could feel the pain reaching little tendrils down her neck and rolled her shoulders, trying to loosen up, as she took a seat and looked at the object.

After a few minutes, Sam pushed the device aside in favor of the stack of reports that sat on her desk.  Absorbed in the details of what had been happening at the SGC in her absence, she jumped when she heard the knock on her doorframe.  General Hammond smiled as he walked in.  She stood.

“Please keep your seat, Major.  I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing.”

She eased back onto the stool.  “Very well, thank you, Sir.”  She gestured to the papers now spread across her desktop.  “I’m just trying to catch up.”

He nodded.  “I also wanted to apologize that the rest of SG-1 was not able to be here to today.  I know that they would have liked to help you get re-acclimated.”

“I know, General.  But really, that wasn’t going to be necessary anyway.  Has there been any word from Cartago?”

“Just a brief check-in.  The attack was over before we got there, so the focus has been on making sure that there are no surprises hidden near the village and humanitarian relief.”  She nodded, relieved to know that her team wasn’t in the middle of a firefight somewhere without her.  “I’ll let you get on with your work, Major.  And Sam, don’t work too hard.” 

She smiled warmly at his concern.  “Yes, General.  Thanks for dropping by.”  Turning back to her desk, she opened the next folder on the pile.

Janet had apparently been quite thorough in her instructions to her staff.  Someone from the infirmary came by her lab to make sure she got some lunch and then again at the end of the day, insisting that she leave for the night.  Feeling exhausted from actually staying awake for most of the day, she just got up and shut off the lights before heading back to her quarters, falling asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

The nightmares returned as she slept; the faces of Ugallu and his Jaffa morphing back and forth with those of her friends.  After a few hours she woke, terrified, screaming Jack’s name, but she couldn’t remember if she was fighting him off or pleading with him to save her.  She huddled under the blankets, looking around at the gray cement walls.  All of a sudden, they reminded her too closely of the cell she had been held in.  Why had she never taken the time to personalize her quarters? They were certainly stuck here enough.  But every other time, there had been at least one other member of her team to keep her company.  And now...

She jumped up from her bed and ran to the wardrobe.  Pulling out an extra set of sheets, she grabbed the duct tape she always kept in her desk and frantically started taping the sheets up on the walls. She tried her best to artfully drape them, but as long as they were up there, breaking up the endless flat wall, she really didn’t care what it looked like.  For several minutes, the room was filled with the sound of ripping tape and a chair being dragged across the floor so she could reach higher on the wall.  Finished, she stood in the center of the room, looking at white sheets on gray walls, waiting for some sense of relief.  Without warning, a sob burst out and then she was curled up in a ball on the floor, all the tears she had held back for weeks pouring out of her.

~SG1~

Next morning, Sam reported to the infirmary first thing, betraying nothing of her disrupted night.  Captain Richardson took her temperature and blood pressure and drew some more blood. 

“Dr. Warner was happy with the results of your blood test from yesterday and your temp is good.  Your BP is a bit high, but still within the parameters Dr. Fraiser specified, so I guess you’re good to go.”  She smiled brightly at the major.

Sam gently stood up.  “I don’t suppose you’ve heard anything from Dr. Fraiser?”

The captain shook her head.  “Not really.  I’m sorry, Ma’am.”

Sam shrugged.  “That’s okay, Captain.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”  She waved as she left the infirmary.  Her stomach still aching from her crying jag, she opted to skip breakfast and headed straight down to her lab.

~SG1~

SG-1 and SG-9 returned through the gate around mid-afternoon, exhausted and covered in mud and blood from the rescue efforts.  Dr. Fraiser accompanied them along with the more severely wounded survivors.  O’Neill met the general at the bottom of the ramp.  “SG-14 is staying behind for the time being.  The inhabitants are understandably nervous right now.  The elders are discussing the possibility of burying the gate.  Of course, they’ll hold off on that until after their survivors are returned to them and we get our guys back here.  Otherwise, business as usual.” 

“Thank you, Colonel.  Everyone report to the infirmary to get checked out.  We’ll debrief in the morning.”  He saw the look of relief on O’Neill’s face.

“Thank you, General,” O’Neill replied with a little more enthusiasm than was strictly necessary.  He turned to the others.  “All right, to the infirmary we go!”

When they arrived at the infirmary, Jack automatically looked around for Sam.  Of course, she wasn’t there.  He did see that the survivors had already been situated in beds and Dr. Warner was waiting to start the post-mission physicals. 

Dr. Warner said, “Dr. Fraiser, let’s go ahead and get you cleared first.  If we are both working, everybody will get out of here a lot faster.”

Jack tensed.  He hadn’t wanted to go offworld, but that was the job.  He hadn’t wanted to be gone for two days, but that couldn’t be helped.  But he was jealously counting every minute until he could go check on his 2IC and this, well, something could be done about this.  He looked at Fraiser almost pleadingly.  “Doc?”

She smiled slightly.  “Dr. Warner, Colonel O’Neill has a pressing engagement.  Perhaps you should see him first.”

The colonel whispered, “Thanks Doc,” as he slipped past her to the exam area.

A quick exam and a slightly longer shower to remove the blood, grime, and odor that had accumulated over the last two days and he was on his way to Sam’s lab.  There was no point in even pretending that she would be anywhere else.  He stood in the doorway, taking a moment to appreciate the scene the in front of him.  He had wondered if he would ever get to see her sitting there again, completely absorbed in a project, oblivious to anything around her.

The device that Ferretti’s team had recovered was on the table, the covering removed.  He frowned a bit as he realized her attention wasn’t actually on the contraption.  Her eyes were shut and she was rubbing her temples.  In the dim lab lighting, her paleness stood out starkly against the black of her shirt.  If anything, he’d say that she looked worse than when he’d last seen her.  Time to knock off work, he decided.

“Hey, Carter.  We’re ba-aack!” he sing-songed from the door before sauntering into the lab.

She sat straight up so fast he was afraid she’d give herself whiplash.  Trying to mask the tension she was sure was radiating from every pore, she forced herself to ignore the pain in her skull.  “Sir, I didn’t know you were there.  When did you get back?”

“Well, pretty much just now.  Had my exam and took a shower, but then I came straight here.”  He picked up the covering piece from the device on her desk and started turning it over in his hands.  She snatched it away from him.  “How’s it going?” he asked, indicating the device.

She looked down at it, unhappily.  “I’m not sure, Colonel.  I don’t seem to be making any progress.  I think I’m just going have to try again tomorrow.”

Jack tried to keep the surprise off his face.  He didn’t even realize that the word ‘tomorrow’ was in her vocabulary. 

“Well, in that case, may I offer to treat you to the finest, belated ‘sprung from the infirmary’ dinner the commissary has to offer?  Daniel and Teal’c will join up with us soon.”

She started tidying up her workspace.  “Sure, Sir.  That sounds good.”  She finished replacing the cover and stood still, waiting for Jack to head out of the lab. 

He stood still for a minute.  She wanted him to take the lead, which wasn’t all that unusual; he was her CO after all.  But there was something different about this.  Before she would follow his orders, but she always had an opinion, an idea.  Often he felt like he was trying to keep up with her.  Now, she was still, just waiting.  It was eerie to see her so passive.  And he realized that she hadn’t once looked him in the eye since he’d walked in.

“Are you okay, Carter?” he asked.

“I’m fine Sir.”  She lifted her gaze to touch on his face but still couldn’t meet his eyes.  Sights and sounds from her dreams had started flashing through her head when she saw him standing there.  As much as she was afraid of seeing echoes of her dream when she looked in his eyes, she knew that it was an irrational fear.  She was much more worried about what he would see in her eyes.  He had always been able to read her too easily.

“Carter, look at me,” he said gently.  She forced herself to meet his eyes.  “No one expects you to be fine, you understand that right?  And if you’re not, you can tell us.  Just tell us what you need.”  He searched the shuttered blue eyes, wishing like hell that he could touch her, hold her, and soothe all the hurt away.

“Of course, Sir.”

He nodded and motioned that they should start down the corridor.  As they walked, he continued talking.  “I wanted to apologize for not being here yesterday.”  
  


“You don’t need to, Colonel.  It’s the job.  I understood.” she responded, eyes carefully focused forward as they entered the elevator.  She changed the subject.  “How did everything go?”

They talked about the mission on the way to the commissary and as they got their food. They hadn’t been sitting long before Daniel and Teal’c entered the room.  They approached the table, a big smile on Daniel’s face and the equivalent in Teal’c ever-stoic expression. 

Daniel leaned down to give Sam a gentle one-armed hug.  “Sam, it’s so good to see you.”  He felt her tense beneath his arm and pulled away.  She gave him a wan smile.  “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m doing all right.  Just have a headache.”

Teal’c took a seat next to O’Neill.  “I am also pleased to see you, Major Carter.”

“Thanks, Teal’c.  It’s good to see you guys too.” 

They shared some light conversation as the guys ate and Sam pushed her pasta salad around the plate, grudgingly taking a bite when she noticed the colonel staring at her tray.  He continued watching her as they talked.  She was holding back, talking, but not engaging with any of them.  It was a marked difference from the last few meals they had shared.  Before she was discharged, she might have drifted off into her own mind every now and then, but when she was talking, she was definitely present. 

He wondered if she was angrier than she let on about them having gone off-world without her.  He hoped that wasn’t it.  Based on his conversation with the general the other day, that would be happening again, sooner rather than later.  SG-1 couldn’t just sit on the sidelines while she underwent months of recuperation.  But if it wasn’t that, what was causing her to distance herself from them?

As soon as Sam felt she had spent a reasonable amount of time with them, she excused herself, to the infirmary for her evening checkup.

~SG1~

Jack gave her some time to get checked out and then casually dropped by the infirmary.  “Doc, just wanted to make sure everyone checked out okay this afternoon .” 

“Yes, Colonel.  Everyone was fine.”  Based on the amusement in the doctor’s eyes and Carter’s patented repressed eye roll, he wasn’t fooling either of them.

He forged ahead anyway.  “Hey, Carter, you all finished here?  Why don’t I walk you back?”

They walked quietly back to her quarters and entered.  Jack took a few steps in and stopped, looking around appraisingly.  Sam winced as she looked at the walls and remembered her overnight activities.

“Doing some redecorating?” he asked.

“Oh, uh,” she stammered.  “Well, Sir, I don’t really know what to say.  I woke up last night and...”  She sat down in her desk chair, staring at the desktop, feeling incredibly foolish. 

He leaned on the edge of the desk.  “Major, did I ever tell you about when I came back from that Iraqi prison?”

“No, Sir.”  She was a little perplexed by his sudden topic switch.

“I spent some time at Walter Reed before I they’d let me go home.  You know the drill, checkups, psych evals.”  He grimaced.  “Sometimes it felt like I had just traded one prison for another.  So, I'm in the common room one night, because sleep just wasn't happening.  And there are these pictures on the walls, landscapes and ocean scenes and it’s all supposed to be calm and soothing.  And all I can think about is that I spent the last few months thinking I'd never see anything like that again and now I was stuck in a hospital and all I had were these fucking paintings.“

He paused.

“What happened, Sir?”

“Lots of splinters, Major, broken wood and glass.  I kind of lost it and tore every goddamn painting down, destroyed them all.” 

He rested his hand lightly on her shoulder.  She automatically tensed then allowed herself to relax under the warm weight.  “The nights are the hardest, Carter.  Believe me, I know.  Being alone, it’s no good.  I know you might feel like that’s what you want right now, but trust me.  It’s not going to help.”

The compassion and concern in his voice were nearly overwhelming.  There was a part of her that just wanted to break down and tell him everything, all the memories and the dreams and the insanity jumbled up in her head.  But the rest of her just rebelled at the idea.  “I know Sir, but I’m not ready yet.”

He nodded.  “That’s fine.  We do this in your time, Carter.  I just want you to know that we will get through it.”  He patted her shoulder and stood up.  “I think I’ll say good night now.  I have to head home tonight, but if you need anything, you call me.  No matter what time it is.  Even just to talk.  I’ll pick up.”

“Thank you, Colonel.”

A smile and he was gone.  She got ready for bed, comforted in the remnants of his presence as she slipped in between the sheets and fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning found Sam feeling better than she had since her return.  She had managed a whole night’s sleep and was actually hungry enough to grab some breakfast on her way to meet with Janet. 

“Well, Sam,” said Janet looking at her records.  “I’m happy with everything but your weight.  You’re just not gaining back at the rate I was hoping for.  Are you eating?”

Sam was happy to be able to truthfully say, “Yes, I just had breakfast.”  She didn’t mention that other than that, she hadn’t finished a complete meal.  The headache, which seemed to suppress her appetite, had receded overnight, so there didn’t seem any point to mentioning it now. 

Janet searched her friend’s eyes, trying to make sure she was telling the truth.  “Okay.  But I want to know if you begin experiencing any unusual symptoms: dizziness, extreme fatigue, anything at all.”  Sam nodded.  “And remember that you’re meeting with MacKenzie tomorrow morning after your checkup.” 

“I know, Janet.  I’ll be here.”  Sam smiled.  “Can I get to work now?”

“Go on.  I’ll see you tonight.”  Janet turned to answer the phone ringing on the wall and then called out to Sam.  Sam paused while Janet put the phone down.  “That was the colonel.  He’d like you to meet him back at your quarters.” 

The doctor’s pointedly questioning look was met with a bewildered shrug from Sam. 

As she approached her quarters, she saw the colonel standing there with his arms full of stuff.  Drawing closer, she realized that the stuff was mostly comprised of posters and photos.

“Sir?” she said questioningly.

“Open the door Carter, I can only do this so long before I drop everything.”  She opened the door and gestured him into her quarters, where he carefully dumped the whole pile on her bed.  “I was thinking that since you’re stuck here for a few more days, you might appreciate something more... colorful to look at than sheets.” 

She picked up a framed photograph of the four of them and blinked away the tears that were springing up.  “Sir, this is yours.”  She wasn’t sure if she was more touched by the fact that he had brought all this for her, or the fact that he had known just what was behind the midnight decoration craze.

He shrugged.  “You can give it back to me when you get some of your own stuff in here.”  He looked at the pile.  “I probably got more than you technically could fit in here, at least with good taste, but I wasn’t sure exactly what you’d like.  So, just take whatever you want.  I won’t be offended.”

She smiled.  “Probably no landscapes in there, huh?”

“Absolutely not.”

She went to one of the sheets and yanked.  “I guess I can be a little late to the lab today.  Care to help?”

Together, they set about sticking up posters and hanging picture frames.  Sam gave the framed team photo a place of honor on her bedside table. When they were finished, she looked around with a huge smile on her face.  Jack stuck his hands in his pockets as he realized her smile was yet another thing that he had almost lost for good. 

She stopped and quickly traded her excited smile for her Aha! smile.  “I know that look,” he commented.

“Colonel, I think I figured out what to do with that device!”

Jack nodded.  “I knew you would, Major.”

“I’ve got to get down there, maybe get Siler and Blaine to help out.”

“Blaine?” Jack questioned.

“Lt. Sarah Blaine.  She just started here, right before...”

“Right.” Jack vaguely remembered Sam introducing him to some earnest new science geek.

She shrugged.  “I am technically her boss.  I should probably see what she can do in the lab.  This should be a good task to start on.”  She looked around the room again.  “I really can’t thank you enough, Sir.  But I kind of really want to get started.”  She nodded toward the door.

“What?  Oh yeah, don’t let me keep you, Carter.  Go, work your miracles.”

She smiled and breezed past him, out the door and down the hall.  It wasn’t until she was riding the elevator to the lab level that she realized the lights were just a bit too bright and felt the pain creeping through her skull again.  She walked down the corridor to her lab, scolding herself for trying to do too much with the decorating, and entered the blessedly dim room.  Taking a deep breath, she got to work.

~SG1~

Jack had watched her disappear down the hall before a glance at his watch told him he had to hightail it to the briefing room.  Hammond had called him that morning and asked to meet with him, Teal’c, and Daniel.  Slipping into his seat at 1000 on the dot, he waited for the general to speak.

“As you know, I believe that it is time for SG-1 to resume their place in the mission rotation.  I was hoping to give you a few more days lead time, but we’ve had a couple of things come up and I need you to take a recon mission scheduled to depart tonight at 1800.”  He indicated the files placed in front of each of them.  “All pertinent information is in there.  You should be able to complete your surveys and return here within 18 hours.  Any questions?”

Jack checked with his team members before shaking his head.  “No questions, General.”

“Good.  See you this evening.”  The general withdrew to his office, leaving the three men looking at each other.

“Well, this feels wrong,” Daniel commented. 

They looked at him.  “In what way?” Teal’c inquired.

“Well, you know, the three of us going offworld and Sam staying here.  How do you think she’s going to react to that?” 

Jack cleared his throat.  “She’ll understand.”  He waited for agreement but none was forthcoming.  “Right?”

“Right,” said Daniel slowly.

“Indeed,” contributed Teal’c. 

None of them looked particularly convinced. 

“Perhaps one of us should inform her of our imminent departure,” Teal’c said, looking pointedly at Jack.

“Oh, you mean me?” he asked, feigning surprise.  “Yeah, I’ll go talk to her in a bit. Maybe convince her to take a break for lunch while I’m at it.”

~SG1~

Jack finished the reading the briefing materials and sat back in his chair.  He looked at the clock and figured that he had time to grab Carter for a late lunch before prepping for the mission.  He headed for the elevator, smiling to himself as he remembered their morning.  It had been amazing to see a glimpse of the old Carter, smiling and excited and, of course, rushing off to her lab. 

He exited the elevator on the lab floor and immediately heard an explosive thump.  He rounded the corner and saw smoke wafting out of Sam’s lab, could hear raised voices, and then the alarms sounding around him.  He started to run down the corridor. 

A young brunette exited the lab coughing and leaned against the far wall; he assumed that was the Lt. Blaine Carter had mentioned.  Then he could hear Carter shouting, “Just forget it, Siler!”

“Major, wait!” came Siler’s voice as he followed into Jack’s view.  She passed the colonel in the doorway, unaware of who she was pushing out of the way, throwing her arms up to ward off any intervention then stalked angrily down the corridor. 

Jack carefully peeked into the lab.  There was no sign of flames but through the smoke, he could make out the device they had brought back from Ugallu’s base.  Siler was trying to decide whether to go after her.  “Siler, is Major Carter injured?”

He shook his head.  “Not that I could see, Sir.”

“Then let’s let her walk it off for a bit.  What about you two?”  He indicated Siler and Blaine. 

“I’m fine, Sir,” Siler answered.

Blaine took shallow breath, trying to control the coughing, and said, “I took a lung-full of the smoke, but other than that I’m okay, Colonel.”

“What happened here?”  The general arrived with Daniel and Teal’c in time to see Sam turn the corner out of sight, obviously agitated.

“There was an... accident.  The device from Ugallu’s base is fried,” Siler offered.

“God, poor Sam,” Daniel murmured.  “That was our only lead.”

Hammond looked at Siler, who seemed uncomfortable and unusually subdued.  “How did this happen, Master Sergeant?”

Siler cleared his throat, looking at anyone other than Colonel O’Neill.  “Major Carter, she... well, she connected the power incorrectly.  It’s what caused the explosion.”

They all looked at each other, perplexed.  Teal’c commented, “Major Carter does not make mistakes.”

Jack looked at the still smoking remains of the Goa'uld device on her tabletop and blew out a sigh.  “I guess there’s a first time for everything.”

Hammond was perturbed.  He was concerned about Major Carter as well as the continuing possible threat that Ugallu presented. Another round of coughing interrupted his train of thought.  “Lt. Blaine, I want you to get yourself down to the infirmary, get checked out.  You too, Siler.  Then I want the two of you to move this device into one of the other labs and find out if there’s anything salvageable.”

After their acknowledgement of his order, he turned and strode back the way he came.  Jack looked at Daniel and Teal’c.  “I’m going to go find Carter.  If I know her, she’s kicking herself right now.  Maybe I can help prevent permanent damage.”

It took him some time to find her.  She wasn’t in her on-base quarters, in the infirmary, or the control room.  Finally, he found her in the cafeteria, digging into a full tray, with a vaguely unfocused expression on her face.  He eased into a chair opposite her, slightly worried when there was no reaction.

“Carter,” he said.    
  


She jumped slightly as her eyes refocused to see her CO sitting there.  “Sir, I’m sorry...  were you saying something?”

He shook his head briefly.  “Not yet.  Just came by to see how you’re doing.”

She shrugged ruefully.  “I was just thinking, Sir.  I don’t know how I managed to do that.” 

“Ah, Carter, so you made a mistake.”

She looked sharply at him.  “The device is destroyed, isn’t it?”

“Well, it looked pretty toasty to me, but Blaine and Siler are going to have another crack at it later.  I know you wanted the information in there; maybe we can still get something.”  He could see her jaw set as she bit back her unhappiness with not being on the repair team.  He sat back.  “What happened, Carter?”

She looked bewildered.  “I don’t know, Sir.  I... thought everything was fine.  By the time I saw that the wires were cross-connected, it was too late.”

Jack thought about it.  Teal’c was right.  It was unusual for her to make a mistake.  Maybe they were rushing things getting her back into work.  He leaned forward, lowering his voice, even though the cafeteria was mostly empty at this time of the afternoon.  “Do you need some more time?  Maybe when Fraiser gives you the okay, you could take some leave, go visit Mark and the kids.”

  
He knew the instant the words were out of his mouth that they were a mistake.  She sat up straighter and her blue eyes became steely.  “Are you saying that I’m not up to doing my job, Sir?”

“No, no, no, no.  Not at all.  I’m just offering you the option, in case you hadn’t thought about it.”

She pushed back from the table and stood up.  “Understood, Sir.”  Without looking back at him, she turned and left the cafeteria. 

Jack watched her walk away, shaking his head and sighed.  “I shoulda sent Daniel,” he mumbled.

Sam headed directly for her on-base quarters, fury still pulsing through her.  She was a little taken aback at the level of hostility she had felt for the colonel and was just praying to make it to her room without running into anyone else.  She tried taking some deep breaths, willing her heart to stop racing.  She reviewed their conversation.  Of course he was worried.  It was his job.  And he hadn’t said anything out of line or that even hinted at placing blame.

But after that spectacular blunder, she didn’t think his concern about her fitness came anywhere close to hers. Of course, he didn’t have all the facts.  She reached the door to her room and slipped inside, quickly locking it behind her.  Leaning back against the door, she tried again to remember connecting the power leads to the device but it was just a big blank void. 

She knew that trauma could manifest itself in a variety of ways and that she should report this, but it was just so embarrassing.  The whole experience had been humiliating: being captured, unable to escape, not to mention what she had suffered at Ugallu’s hands.  Now she was back it was still no better: confined to base, the dreams, and now she couldn’t even do her job.  She just wanted it to be over. 

She felt the heat of tears building behind her eyelids and pushed off the door.  Feeling lost and helpless, she fell onto the bed sobbing as she fell into a fitful sleep. 

_She sat on the small dock, trailing her feet through the calm water below.  Vibrations in the wood beneath her announced his approach and a smile crept across her face.  She felt him ease down behind her, then his lips against her neck, gently skimming her skin, his breath warm in the cool dawn.  Her breathing quickened and she tried to turn into him, but he held her shoulders firm.  She watched the light play on the water through half-closed eyes as his hands moved from her shoulders, down her bare arms, meeting as they moved across her belly before diverging again.  One hand moved to her breast, the other tracing the lines of her bikini before dipping beneath the cloth.  All the while, his lips and tongue traced intricate patterns along her neck and shoulders.  Her eyes closed as she gave herself over to the feeling._

_The tension built inside her and her breathing turned to panting gasps.  “God, Jack,” she groaned, tilting her head back to rest on his shoulder.  His fingers moved slowly and deliberately, teasing but never quite fulfilling her desire.  “Please,” she whispered.  She opened her eyes to look up at him.  The wrong eyes, the wrong face looked back down at her, a cruel grin, a flash in the eyes..._

Sam’s eyes flew open, her body on the edge of orgasm even as her mind processed the dream a second behind.  Throwing herself from the bed, she only just managed to reach the small lavatory before vomiting.  The waves of nausea kept coming until well after her stomach was emptied.  Shaking violently, she lay on the floor relishing the feeling of the cold seeping into her bones. 

~SG1~

Jack and Teal’c were undergoing their pre-mission physicals in the infirmary when Jack realized that he hadn’t gotten around to letting Carter know that they were leaving.  She had made it pretty obvious that she didn’t want to see him right now and it was getting close to gate-time. 

“Doc, can you do me a favor?”

“Sure, Colonel.  What do you need?”

“I didn’t get a chance to let Major Carter know that we’d be offworld.  Can you mention it to her when she stops by this evening?  Just let her know that we’ll be back sometime tomorrow.”

Any idea where Dr. Jackson is?”

The missing archaeologist rushed into the infirmary a second later.  “Sorry I’m late.”  He slipped his jacket off, so Fraiser could attach the blood pressure cuff.  “Jack, did you hear?”

“Hear what, Daniel?”

“Siler said they actually were able to download some data before that thing blew up.  It looks like some sort of navigational chart.  He’s thinking they might be able to come up with some theories where we could look for Ugallu.”

Jack blinked.  When did their luck ever go like that?  “Cool,” he said. 

“Major Carter must be relieved that they were able to obtain some useful data.”

Fraiser nodded to Daniel that he was finished and he shrugged back into his jacket.  “Actually, Sam wasn’t there.  Siler thinks she’s been in her quarters all afternoon.”  He glanced at Jack, aware that he had already taken too much responsibility for their disastrous lunchtime conversation and hoping he wouldn’t add this right into it.

Jack looked at his watch, hoping that maybe time had stopped and he could find five minutes to go apologize to her.  No such luck.  Sighing, he said, “Okay, let’s head out.  We’ll go, we’ll survey, and Carter’ll have this all figured out by the time we get back.”

Janet watched them leave, hearing the bravado in the colonel’s voice masking his deeper fear that today wasn’t the anomaly they all hoped.

~SG1~

Janet saw the next shift of infirmary staff report for duty, made rounds with the night duty doctor bringing him up to speed on their patients, and still Sam hadn’t shown up.  She wondered if she was avoiding her after the earlier incident.  Recalling that Daniel had heard that Sam was holed up in her quarters, Janet said her goodbyes and made her way to Sam’s room. 

Knocking briskly on the door, Janet waited a minute.  She didn’t hear anything, but that didn’t necessarily indicate that Sam wasn’t there; the doors were thick and and hid sound from inside quite well.  She knocked again and waited.  With a sigh, she ran her ID badge through the scanner by the doorway and punched in the medical override code.  While this may not technically be an emergency, Sam had missed a mandated medical checkup. 

She stepped into the darkness of the room and knew immediately that something was wrong.  “Sam,” she called, keeping the door behind her open until she turned on a lamp.  Closing the door, she surveyed the room.  The bed had been slept in, but left in disarray.  The door to the bathroom was open and she walked over to see Sam laying nearly facedown on the floor, not moving. 

“Sam,” she said louder as she dropped to her knees next to her friend.  Turning Sam over and finding a pulse let her relax at least somewhat.  Her face was pale, except for dark circles under her eyes.  There was a distinct smell of sick in the room and on Sam.  Janet got up, turned on the light, and grabbed a small towel from the wall hook.  Wetting the towel, she sat next to the major and gently wiped her face.  She kept talking softly, trying to get her to wake up. 

After a minute, Sam started to move.  “Janet?” she questioned as she pushed herself to a sitting position.  She felt chilled and stiff and all the muscles in her abdomen were screaming at her. 

“There you are,” Janet said.

“What happened?” Sam asked, looking around. 

“Well, I was going to ask you the same thing.  I came looking for you when you missed your appointment tonight.”

“I missed... Wait, what time is it?”  Sam’s face clouded as she tried to figure out how she had lost the whole afternoon.  Then memories of her earlier dream flooded through her conscious mind.  She paled, shaking.  “Oh my god.”

Janet rewet the towel and held the cool fabric against the back of Sam’s neck.  “Deep breaths, Sam.  Just try to relax.”

She reached up to wet another cloth for Sam’s forehead, keeping a close eye on her friend.  Sam was keeping a close eye on the toilet, but trying to breathe deep, slow, and regular.  The feeling of nausea passed and she leaned back against the wall.  “I think I’m okay now.”

Janet helped her up and into the other room, seating them side by side on the bed.  She twisted to look at Sam.  “You feel up to talking about it?”

Sam swallowed.  She didn’t even think she felt up to thinking about it, much less saying it out loud.  “Dreams,” she said shortly.

“Memories?” Janet probed.

Sam shook her head.  Her voice was shaky as she pled, “Janet, I just can’t... not right now.”

Janet would accept that.  Sam had MacKenzie to act as her therapist which freed Janet up to be her friend.  “Okay.  You hungry?  We could go get some dinner.”

She had serious doubts as to whether she could keep anything down, but she was also desperately hungry at this point.  She nodded and stood up alongside Janet.  As they approached the door, she stopped.  “Is Colonel O’Neill still on base?”

Misunderstanding her reason for asking, Janet rubbed her arm sympathetically.  “No, Sam.  I’m sorry.  One of the reasons I wanted to see you was to let you know that he, Daniel, and Teal’c had to go offworld.  The colonel asked me to let you know that they will be back sometime tomorrow.”  The doctor was perplexed when she saw something resembling relief in Sam’s eyes.  “Let’s get dinner and then I think I’m going to stay here tonight.  Not as your doctor, as your friend,” she emphasized as she saw Sam’s ‘I’m not an invalid’ attitude start to surface.

Sam actually managed to eat a little bit of dinner and then the two women returned to her quarters.  They sat talking about anything not related to Sam’s current condition: how Cassie was doing, movies, books.  Janet even let Sam go on for half an hour about the errors in a recently published text on string theory.  Eventually, Sam started to nod off and lay down in her bed, Janet making herself fairly comfortable on the cot they had had brought in for the night.  Janet continued to talk in a low voice until she was sure Sam was asleep, then closed her eyes herself. 

Several times during the night, Janet woke to Sam crying out, but nothing on the scale of what she had seen earlier.  At these points, she would sit on the bed next to Sam, gently rubbing her back and calming her back to a restful sleep. 

Morning was announced by Sam’s alarm clock.  She awoke feeling fairly refreshed for the second day in a row.  Janet excused herself to go freshen up.  “I’ll see you in the infirmary in half an hour, Sam.  And don’t forget you’re meeting with Dr. MacKenzie afterward.”

Sam nodded her assent, wondering if there was any way she could get out of discussing the dreams with the shrink.  Probably not.  Janet may be her friend, but as her doctor and CMO of the base, she would be obligated to share indications of mental distress with the psychiatrist.

~SG1~

She sat facing MacKenzie as he prepared his recorder.  Ready, he asked, “So, Major Carter, how are you doing today?”

“I feel okay right now,” she answered honestly. 

“Right now?” he clarified.

“I’m still having dreams.  Or, really nightmares I guess.”

“I see.  And do these nightmares continue to be reflections of your memories of your captivity?  Or have they changed in some way?”

“I guess they’ve changed.  I mean, a lot of it still has to do with what happened, but there are some differences.”

“Describe the differences, please.”

There was silence in the room for a few minutes before Sam could bring herself to actually say anything.  “Sometimes, the people involved are different.”  MacKenzie just continued to wait without saying anything. 

“Sometimes, instead of Ugallu and his goons, it’s my team.”  She couldn’t bring herself to say their names in connection with the dreams.  She kept her eyes firmly focused on her lap until MacKenzie spoke.

“So why are you angry at them?”

Filled with disbelief and anger, she coldly snapped, “I’m not.”

“Your dreams would seem to indicate otherwise.”

She rolled her eyes.  “God, you just really never get it, do you?  I trust these men with my life.”

“So where were they when your life was being taken from you repeatedly?”

“What the hell?”  She was shaking now.  “They did everything they could.  To imply otherwise...”

“Major, please calm down.  I agree that everyone here did everything they could.  I know that you know that.  But knowing that intellectually doesn’t change the fact that you may still _feel_ anger at the situation.  Feelings aren’t objective, they aren’t rational.  It’s okay, necessary even, to feel and acknowledge them.”

“There are no feelings, okay?  No anger.  They’re just dreams.”  The tension in her voice seemed to belie her statements and MacKenzie decided to push just a little farther.  There was something going on with her but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. 

“You said yourself that you trust them with your life.  You were captured, tortured, raped, killed.  It seems reasonable that at some point, you would have questioned that trust.”

She sat quietly for a minute.  She had never lost faith in their intentions, but had to admit to herself that she had despaired of ever being rescued.  She shook her head.  “It doesn’t work like that.  You trust that they will try.  But we all know that sometimes trying just isn’t going to be enough.  I took the risk willingly and I will not hold them accountable.”

MacKenzie sighed.  Her defense of her team seemed genuine.  “It just seems to me that for some reason, some part of you is perceiving them as the enemy.”

She took a deep breath.  What the hell did this guy know about enemies?  “Let’s just move on, okay?  I’m sorry I brought it up.”

MacKenzie did move on to other subjects but found Sam to be sullen and recalcitrant for the remainder of the session.  Finally, he turned off the recorder and stood up.  “I will see you again in a few days, Major.”

She didn’t say anything as she walked out of the room.  Still so rattled by what the _stupid, idiotic, head-up-his-ass shrink_ had brought up, she was at her lab before she remembered the disaster from yesterday and so was pleasantly surprised to see that it had been cleaned up sometime in the intervening hours.  She also found Lt. Blaine hard at work analyzing data on a laptop.  She listened while Blaine excitedly shared the news of the snippets of data recorded and together, they started spitballing ideas on how to make these fragments make sense.  If Lt. Blaine noticed how often her new boss would bring her hand to her temple, or shield her eyes from the overhead lights, she didn’t say anything.


	9. Chapter 9

Hammond met SG-1 as they returned through the gate.  They stopped at the bottom of the ramp and Jack reported, “Successful mission, General.  We went, we saw, we brought home souvenirs.” 

The general nodded.  “How was the planet, Colonel?”

“Whole lotta nothing, if you ask me.”  He pointed to the box Daniel was handing off to the waiting science team.  “Although the geology department might be over the moon about the rocks we brought back.  Who can tell with those guys?”

Hammond suppressed a smile.  He had known that Jack would find this survey mission to be incredibly boring, but he had thought it best to ease them back into the mission schedule to give them some time to acclimate to functioning with Major Carter.  “All right, everyone.  Go get cleaned up and checked out.  Written reports will suffice for this one.”

He watched them head out for the locker room, concerned at the lack of chatter and joking that would normally be bouncing between them after a milk-run mission like this one.  He shook his head as he walked back up to his office  Their making the adjustment to working with Carter had become even more important than he had originally thought.  He grimaced as he recalled his conversation with Dr. MacKenzie earlier that morning informing him that her recovery could take longer than any of them had considered.

_“General, I am fairly certain that she is holding back.  Until she begins to participate fully in the therapy, I can’t even begin to guess how long this process may last.  And if she recovers enough to be reassigned to active duty,” MacKenzie began._

_“If?” the general interrupted sharply._

_MacKenzie took a breath and nodded.  “Yes, General. If she is able to return to active duty, I would recommend that she not be placed with her original team.”_

_Hammond’s surprise was betrayed only by his widened eyes.  Somehow the idea of the major serving on another team was almost harder to picture than pulling her from active duty permanently.  “Are you sure, Doctor?  I have found that more than most, members of SG-1 tend to draw both strength and comfort from their own team.”_

_MacKenzie was unwilling to divulge specifics based on one session and nodded.  “Well, it’s still very early, General.  We will know more as we progress.”_

~SG1~

As they entered the locker room, Jack finally spoke.  “Man, I miss Carter on missions like these.”

  
Daniel looked over from his locker where he was pulling out his shower kit.  “Yeah, it’s not the same without her.”

Feeling ornery, Jack snapped at him. “No, I just meant that I can order her to wade out into the river to get a water sample, whereas you, Daniel, have to be cajoled and bribed.  And we still had to listen to you complain for hours.”

“Well, I had water in my ears.  Do you know how annoying that is?”  Daniel closed his locker with more force than necessary.

“If you had paid more attention to what you were doing, you wouldn’t have dunked yourself.”

“Whatever, Jack.  I am going to take a hot, hot shower and go to bed.”  Daniel shouldered past him and headed for the showers.

Jack called snidely after him.  “Watch out in there, Daniel!  You might get wet!”

Teal’c watched Daniel stalk off muttering in what sounded like several different languages.  He silently reflected that truly, he missed Major Carter most of all.  She provided pleasant distraction during Daniel and O’Neill’s more childish interactions, such as the one that had just occurred.

Jack looked at the showers but decided it wasn’t worth the effort right now.  He would either get into another fight with Daniel, or they would ignore each other.  It felt like most of the last twenty hours had been spent in silence, the three of them only speaking when absolutely necessary.  Jack figured that was probably his fault; as team lead he set the tone for the mission.  Leaving after that argument with Carter had put him on edge and he had a feeling that he’d been taking it out on his team.  With a shrug and a nod to Teal’c, he headed back out in the corridor.

Daniel stood under the hot spray and tried to relax.  Why the hell was he giving Jack a hard time?  Maybe because they’d spent the better part of the mission trying to pretend everything was normal when Sam’s absence was practically screaming at them every time they turned around.  It was like trying to function without a limb.  First they couldn’t get the readouts on the MALP to work right.  Then they had to try to decode the scientists’ requests by themselves.  Sam always made it look so easy: at x coordinates we obtain samples of y; at z coordinates, we need samples of n.  How the hell she got that from the scribbled notes they’d had to work with, he could not fathom. 

Leaning into the water, he felt the tension start to ebb.  He really had been an ass.  Jack had too, of course.  But Daniel realized that, while Jack would try to deny it, not having Sam there was bound to be harder on him than pretty much anyone else, with the exception of Sam herself. 

~SG1~

After a quick checkup in the infirmary, Jack headed to Sam’s lab to see how angry she still was about the day before.  He walked briskly down the corridor, mentally trying out different opening lines to break the ice.  As he rounded the doorway, raising his hand to knock, he froze, all senses on alert.

Carter and the new lieutenant were standing facing each other in the middle of the room.  Blaine’s voice was surprisingly steady in the face of Carter’s glare as she said, “Major, you’re miscalculating the vector coefficient.  It would skew the whole result.”

“Oh really,” Sam replied coldly.  If Jack was honest, it even sounded vaguely threatening.

The lieutenant paled slightly but stood her ground.  “Yes, ma’am.  If we look at the equation this way...”

Sam took a few steps toward the young woman.  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Jack was disturbed by what he was seeing.  There was an edge to her voice, a sense of barely suppressed violence in her movement.  This wasn’t an impassioned Sam Carter emotionally defending an hypothesis.  This was either a calculated attempt to intimidate or his 2IC was about to lose it.  Either way, he had to get her out of there.

Jack cleared his throat and said firmly, “Major, time to take a break.  Let’s go.” 

He watched her take one more step toward her assistant.  Just as he decided to physically intervene, she stopped and turned a puzzled expression toward him.

Sam heard his voice, heard the no-nonsense command tone and looked toward the doorway.  When the hell had he shown up?  And for that matter, why did Lt. Blaine look so unsettled?

“Carter,” Jack echoed more gently from the door.

She thought for a second.  He wanted her to take a break.  “Yes, Sir.”  She nodded toward Blaine.  “I’ll be back in a little bit.  Just... just do whatever you think needs to be done.”  She walked out of the room and started down the corridor without waiting for the colonel.

After she left the room, Jack looked at the vaguely shell-shocked young woman.  “Lt. Blaine, meet me in my office in an hour.”

Blaine watched the older officer leave, putting her hands over her face as she heard him join Carter down the corridor.  Great, not only had she been damn near insubordinate to a superior officer and one of the best-known members of the SGC, she had done it in front of one of the most-feared members of the SGC.  _I am so screwed,_ she thought.

~SG1~

They ended up in the commissary.  Jack wasn’t hungry, but Carter seemed to have a decent appetite for which he was grateful.  She was still painfully thin and had gained almost no weight since being released from the infirmary.

He waited while she started to eat to see if she would say anything.  After five minutes of silence, he finally broke down.  “What the hell was that back there?” he asked

She put down her fork as she shook her head, still confused by his apparent uneasiness and the nearly angry look on his face back in the lab.  “What do you mean?”

“You looked like you were ready to beat the crap out of Lt. Blaine.“

She chuckled.  “I think you’re misreading the situation, Sir.  We were just having a difference of opinion.” 

Jack stared at her.  What he had witnessed left no room for interpretation.  But nothing about the woman sitting in front of him was consistent with being only minutes away from a nearly murderous rage.  He toyed with the idea that she could still be feeling the effects of withdrawal from the sarcophagus.

“Well, was she right?”

She bristled a bit.  “I don’t think so, Sir.  Can I ask why you’re so interested in how I handle my staff?  You’ve never gotten involved before.”

 _Because he doesn’t trust you anymore_ , a voice whispered in her head. 

“I’ve never seen a need to before.  But that situation just had bad written all over it.” 

“Yes, Sir.”  She looked away from him trying to control her reaction.  MacKenzie’s voice echoed in her head, “...some part of you is perceiving them as the enemy.”  Her eyes focused on the table in between them and fragments of her dream hit her when she saw his hands.  Swallowing against the sudden wave of nausea, she pushed her half-full tray away.  “Sir, I need...  I’d like some time alone.”

He saw the look of panic and frustration in her eyes and nodded.  “Go on, Carter.”  He leaned back in his chair watching her rush from the room.

~SG1~

Jack was seated at his desk when Lt. Blaine entered.  She stood silent and still waiting for the colonel to acknowledge her.  She had spent the past hour thinking of all the arguments and defenses she could present but didn’t know if she’d even have the chance.  Colonel O’Neill was notoriously protective of his team.  That, coupled with Major Carter’s seniority and the fact that she’d saved this and other worlds multiple times, did not give her much hope that the colonel would give her side much more than a cursory hearing.

It felt like forever before he looked directly at her and said, “At ease, Lieutenant.”  She relaxed infinitesimally.  At least he hadn’t started out yelling.  “Why don’t you tell me what it was I walked in on earlier?”

She took a deep breath.  “We were working on analyzing the fragmentary data recovered from Ugallu’s device, Colonel.  There are several remnants of navigational log data and Major Carter theorized that we could extrapolate a possible heading or maybe even location that he favors.”

“But you disagree?”

“No, Sir.  The theory is sound, although I’m not sure we have enough extant data to really narrow it down.”

“So what was the argument about?” he asked, keeping his voice calm and quiet.  Blaine looked terrified and the last thing Jack wanted to do was make her clam up.  His conversation with Carter had gotten exactly nowhere and he needed to know what was happening. 

“I disputed some of the major’s calculations, Colonel.”

Jack’s couldn't entirely suppress the dumbfounded look that crossed his face.  A hint of amusement colored his voice as he replied, “Not many people have successfully challenged Major Carter on her math skills, Lieutenant.”

“But she was wrong, Sir.”  Blaine’s eyes snapped front as she realized that she was being more aggressive in her stance than she had meant to be.  However, Jack barely noticed.  Years of working with Carter and Daniel had accustomed him to this brand of stubborn scientist. 

“How can you be sure?  The major’s been doing this a lot longer than you.”

The lieutenant gave him a nearly-Carterian look.  “Do you really want me to explain it to you?”

He thought for moment and decided he didn’t need a math headache on top of the one already building.  He shook his head briefly.

“Ok then.  Basically, she’s ignoring a constant that she herself defined.”

He looked at the lieutenant.  Her nerves had given way now that she was in an area where she was confident.  Of course, confident didn’t necessarily mean right.  But he was satisfied that she had no hidden agenda and was honestly trying to do the right thing.

“What would be the upshot of this mistake?”

“We’ll be looking in entirely the wrong area for Ugallu.  And Sir...” she trailed off.

“Lieutenant?” he prompted.

“Permission to speak freely, Sir?”

There was no way he was going to like this but there was no way he could ignore it.  “Granted.”

“I only met Major Carter a couple of times before she went missing.  But I’ve read everything she’s ever written, at least that’s available to my security level, and I don’t see how it’s possible that she is making this type of mistake.”

He looked closely at the younger woman.  “What are you saying?”

She stuttered for a moment before her courage reasserted itself.  “Is it possible she’s doing this deliberately?  I mean, she’s making assumptions that have no basis in fact, ignoring contradictory formulae.  At first, I assumed it was just that she was making intuitive leaps that I wasn’t following.  She’s certainly well-known for that, but this is... It’s different.”

Jack took a deep breath, giving himself a moment to control the wave of anger at her implication.  He couldn’t just dismiss her concerns though.  Mistakes were one thing; willful rejection of facts was something different, something that just wasn’t Carter. 

Jack thought for a moment and then issued his order.  _Carter is going to hate me for this._   “Lieutenant, I want to compile a report of your own, independent of Major Carter’s.  You will deliver it to me personally.  No one else is to know about this.”

She nodded.  “Yes Sir.” 

“Dismissed, Lieutenant.”

She left his office and he sat for a long time thinking.  A phrase from an old James Bond novel kept dancing through his head: Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action.  The anomalies were piling up. 

He considered reporting this incident to Hammond or Fraiser, but all he really had were a workplace dispute and a lieutenant’s gut feelings.  Memories of MacKenzie railroading Daniel into a ‘mental health facility’ when he was actually suffering the effects of Machello’s nanites made Jack reticent to make this official.  So it was up to him, for now.  He picked up the phone and dialed Teal’c, asking to meet him in Daniel’s office.

Daniel and Teal’c both noted Jack’s agitation the minute he walked into the room, closing the door behind him.  They exchanged a concerned look at the heaviness of his step, the slight stoop to his shoulders. 

“Jack,” ventured Daniel cautiously.  “What’s happened?”  
  


He leaned against Daniel’s desk.  “Have you guys noticed anything weird with Carter lately?”  He sighed to himself.  The whole situation for the past two months was beyond weird.  He tried to clarify.  “Beyond what we would expect given everything she’s been through.”

Teal’c looked thoughtful but shook his head briefly.  Daniel looked apologetic.  “I haven’t really had much of a chance to see her in the last few days.  I was planning on dropping in on her this evening.  But you’ve seen her and obviously  something is worrying you.  What is it?”

“I walked in on her laying into her new lab assistant earlier.  Carter can’t give me a coherent explanation of what led up to it, but Blaine gives a fairly convincing account that put Carter in the wrong.”

“And you believe her?” Teal’c inquired.

Jack screwed his face up.  “Let’s just say that I believe it enough that I think we should maybe keep an eye on her for the time being but not quite enough to officially report it.  I’d like you two to try to just pop in on her throughout the day and just give me a heads up if something seems off.”

“Well, sure, we can do that,” Daniel answered for the both of them.  “But why just us?  What are you going to be doing?”

“The same, more or less.”  Maybe a little less than he wanted Daniel knowing right now; he just couldn’t handle the inevitable argument.  As her CO, he was already stretching protocol in not reporting this afternoon’s events.  By allowing Teal’c and Daniel to take point, he could maintain a little bit of distance and try to preserve his objectivity should further action be warranted.

Silence fell for a while before Daniel asked, “Jack, we obviously don’t know the whole story, what happened to her,” he gestured as he spoke, indicating himself and Teal’c.  “But you do?”

Jack nodded.

“Is it, was it that bad?  Are we going to lose her?”

Jack tried to assume a reassuring face.  “Jeez, Daniel, this is Carter.  Of course...”  His throat closed around the blatant lie.  He had no idea if she was going to come back from this.  “I don’t know.”  Daniel thought he had only seen Jack look this forlorn once before. 

“How bad are we talking?  She’s off the team, out of the program?  What could happen?”

A muscle in Jack’s jaw twitched.  “Any of the above.  I’m sure someone, somewhere is already talking about it.”

The three sat in silence again trying and failing to find words of comfort.

~SG1~

By the time Daniel came around, Sam had been back in her office for a couple of hours.  She had reviewed her notes from earlier time and time again trying to find the problem in her math.  She knew that something in the calculation was wrong, but couldn’t identify it.  Blaine had even told her what it was but the memory just danced on the edge of her consciousness, refusing to enlighten her. 

Once the numbers, formalae, and math had been part of a complex and beautiful language that had delighted her.  They sang to her from the page, the white board, any surface handy to scribble an equation.  This evening, the more she looked at the notebook in front of her, the more dull and deadened they looked.  Her brain felt numb, her intellect muffled.  For a quick instant, she thought she saw the problem, but then it hid itself once more.

Daniel stood for a moment observing her.  She looked broken, there was no other word for it.  The spark that he always associated with Sam was missing entirely.  She idly traced her fingers along the lines of the notebook in front of her, but showed no signs of taking any of the information, or indeed any outside stimulus, in.

Daniel’s knock on the door caused her to almost jump out of her skin.  He smiled sheepishly.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

She tried to compose herself, closing the notebook and attempting a smile.  “No, Daniel.  I was just concentrating.  What can I do for you?”

“Nothing, Sam.  Haven’t seen you in a few days, just thought I’d drop by.  Are you okay?  Do you want to talk or something.”

 _Yes_.  She opened her mouth and all she could force out was, “I...  I can’t.”

Daniel looked at her sympathetically.  “That’s okay.  It’ll come in time.  You want to grab something to eat?”

She shook her head.  “I’m not really hungry.”

He thought.  “Chess?  Gin rummy?  Chutes and Ladders?  I’m pretty easy here.  I’d just like to spend some time with you if that’s okay.”

A ghost of a smile crossed her face and the fog in her head lightened just a bit.  “My quarters?” she suggested.

He nodded and waited for her to close up.  Back in her room, they sat on the bed together, eventually shifting so that he was leaning against the headboard and she laid down with her head pillowed on his thigh.  He gently stroked her hair as they spent the next couple of hours alternating short chats with a semi-companionable silence.  He told her about their latest survey mission, including his unintentional swim and picked her brain for shortcuts to reading the science request forms.  He saw her eyes begin to grow heavy and allowed the silence to stretch out as she slowly fell asleep.

He sat quietly reading (or attempting to read) the astrophysics journal on her night table, wanting to give her enough time for sleep to really take hold before he tried to slide out from underneath her.  Just when he thought it would be safe, he felt her twitch and heard her breath catch in her throat.  Looking down, he saw her eyes moving behind her lids, tears beginning to fall down her face. 

He leaned over to try to gently wake her when she cried out so abruptly that he drew back immediately.  Listening to her sleep-addled words he could make out, “No, stop.”

He murmured her name softly, trying to wake her without shocking her, running his hand down her arm but froze at her next words.  “Jack, please stop.”  Then the words stopped and an awful painful keening hit his ears. 

Gentleness be damned.  He stood up, crouching next to the bed and pulled her sitting upright.  “Sam, wake up.  You’re dreaming.  You’re safe.” 

She started awake, Daniel’s intense expression inches from her face, his hands tightly locked around her arms, the insanity of her dream still ringing through her senses.  She pushed out against him and scrambled back across the bed.  A litany of “no, no, no, no” continued as she shook, pressed against the headboard, trying to make herself as small as possible.

Daniel sat up from where he’d sprawled backward on the floor.  He waited until she quieted, rocking back and forth, knees drawn up and secured within her arms.  Keeping his voice low, he said, “Sam, it’s just me.  You were having a dream, a nightmare.”

She looked at him and he was relieved to see the inexplicable fury had receded. Licking her lips, she replied, “Yeah, a nightmare.”

“I think I know the answer to this, but do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head, her lips pressed together tightly. 

“Do you want me to stay?”

She shook her head again, even more vehemently. 

“You want me to go?”

He tried to reconcile the look of pain in her eyes with her deliberate affirmative nod.  Slowly, he stood, keeping his posture neutral, his hands in plain sight and moved toward the door.  Before he opened it, he turned back.  “I’m going to be staying here tonight.  So, if you change your mind, or if you need something, just call me.  Okay?”

“Thank you, Daniel.”  She surprised him by actually speaking but he took it as a sign that she was recovering from the dream.  “Good night.”

“Good night, Sam.”  The door closed behind him and she couldn’t suppress a slight sigh of relief.  She reached over and grabbed the team picture off the night table, not looking at it as she slid it facedown into the drawer.  Then she curled up tightly on the bed and willed herself not to fall asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Daniel had already been in his office for several hours before Jack dropped by after breakfast.  He had returned to his quarters but been unable to sleep, haunted by Sam’s nightmare.  He had tossed and turned, debating whether to share it with Jack.  On the one hand, it seemed a gross violation of her privacy, but on the other, it intimately affected Jack and their working relationship.  He was trying to lose himself in a translation project when he heard Jack walk in.

“Man, Daniel, you look like shit.”  Daniel looked up and Jack realized that he looked even worse face-on than from an angle.  It wasn’t unusual for Daniel to work through the night, but there was an aura of anguish about him that lent a particular pall to his exhaustion.  “Did you sleep at all?”

“No.”  Daniel grabbed his coffee cup and only noticed it was empty after he brought it to his lips.  Sighing, he stood up and walked over to the coffee-maker he kept in a corner of his office.  Emptying the lukewarm liquid into his mug, he set about brewing a fresh pot.  He talked as he went though the motions.

“I spent some time with Sam last night.”

“Did something happen?” Jack asked quickly. 

“She fell asleep.”  Daniel felt like a coward having this conversation with his back to Jack, so he slid the pot below the drip and reluctantly turned around.  “She had a nightmare while I was there.”

Jack nodded slowly.  Surely Daniel wasn’t surprised by that.  “I think that’s to be expected.  She was even having them in the infirmary.  You know that.”

Daniel shook his head.  “Not like this.  She started talking, or yelling really.”  He paused, his face taut in consternation.  Jack waited.  “She was begging you to stop.”

Jack stilled, swallowed hard, and tried to find his voice.  “Me?” he questioned. 

Daniel nodded, his face a mask of misery.  “She said, ‘Jack, please stop.’”

“Stop what?”

“I don’t know for sure.  But when I woke her, she was physically defending herself.  She wouldn’t tell me what it was about; pretty much she just asked me to leave.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that scared, Jack.  And I just thought you should know, in case she acts...” he trailed off. 

Jack sat still, processing the information.  He felt sick.  He would endure endless torture himself before willingly letting one of his team be hurt.  The fact that he hadn't been able to prevent it happening to Carter had been crushing.  That she was reliving it every night was nearly unbearable.  The fact that apparently he was now imparting the pain struck to his very core.

He looked at Daniel who was watching him closely, obviously shaken himself, and waiting for his reaction.  Impatience got the better of him as Jack continued to say nothing.  “Jack?”

“What do you want me to say Daniel?  That she’s been through hell and apparently hell doesn’t want to give her back?  That her brain is inventing new and twisted ways to torment her and we can’t do anything about it?”

Daniel grabbed the fresh pot and poured coffee into a clean mug.  Handing it to Jack, he commented, “Anything you want to say, really.”

Jack’s voice was hard as he answered.  “Don’t do that, Daniel.  Not now.  I’m not the one who needs it.”

“I think we all might need a little help these days.” 

Jack looked up at Daniel and saw his eyes reflecting a little of the helplessness Jack felt.  They stared at each other for a minute.  Christ, didn’t Daniel understand that it was impossible for Jack to break down right now?  Maybe later, when this whole thing wrapped up, maybe then Jack would go out for a drink with Daniel, or they’d wind up at his place and the whole night would end up some bizarre parody of a therapeutic bitch session.  But now, he had to put that away because he couldn’t do her any good like that.

Teal’c entered and observed the silent battle of wills between his two teammates.  After a moment, Jack broke eye contact and turned to Teal’c.  “Hey T, how’s it going?”

Teal’c looked between O’Neill and Daniel Jackson trying to make sure that they had finished whatever dispute he had walked in on.  Daniel looked unhappy but resigned and O’Neill was resolved.  Teal’c decided it was safe to intrude.

“I am well, thank you.  I checked in on Major Carter this morning as you asked.”

Both heads swiveled to look at him.  “How is she?” Daniel asked hesitantly.

“She looked extremely tired.  She declined to join me for breakfast, citing a lack of appetite.”

“My ass,” Jack grumbled, then shook it off.  There wasn’t much he could do right now short of strong-arming Carter to the mess.  “Well, we still have to eat and then I want to fill you guys in on our next offworld mission.  It’s not for another week, but I want to see if we can’t work some of the kinks out beforehand this time.”

~SG1~

Sam showed up for her morning check-in at the infirmary and dutifully let Janet poke, prod, and draw more blood. 

“Can I go home, Janet?”  Sam’s voice was pleading as she looked at her friend.

Janet sighed.  “Well, your electrolyte levels and organ function indicators are continuing to remain steady.  But I am still worried about your weight; you’ve actually lost a few pounds since I released you.”

“And you think that keeping me here is going to help me gain weight?”  Janet had to smile at the petulant look on Sam’s face. 

“No, I can see where commissary food might not be the most appealing diet.”  Sam felt a glimmer of hope as she watched Janet consider the facts.  The fact that she hadn’t outright said no yet was encouraging.

Janet’s concern about Sam’s weight was only part of the equation, as far as the doctor was concerned.  She was also worried about potential behavior problems and the continuing nightmares (evidenced by Sam’s drawn appearance this morning) when her nearest friend was, at best, 15 minutes away.

“You really think you’re ready to be on your own?”

“I think,” Sam paused.  “I just really need to get out of here.  Please?”

“Tomorrow.  If nothing changes, you can go home tomorrow night.”  Sam jumped off the bed where she was sitting and hugged the smaller woman tightly.

“Thank you, thank you.”  Relief radiated from the blonde.

“But you are still under the same restrictions.  Light duty, check in and out with me or someone else here every day, and don’t overdo it at home.”

“I got it, Janet.  You’re the best!” 

She left the infirmary for her lab and smiled as she settled at her work desk.  Picking up the notes for her report on the data analysis from Ugallu’s device, she glanced at it briefly then put it aside in favor of reviewing MALP and UAV analyses of several planets being considered for future missions.

~SG1~

Jack was on hyper-alert all day, waiting for something to happen with Sam. Although his sixth sense was usually spot on in these matters, nothing happened. After what Daniel had told him about her dream, he felt reluctant to visit her in person, instead shooting her an email late morning asking about lunch. She declined. Apparently, she also declined Daniel and Teal'c's in person invitations, but they were able to confirm that she was working in her lab, alone, but seemingly in good spirits. He had seen the update from Fraiser and figured he would make sure to see her before she left the mountain tomorrow.

~SG1~

The following morning found Jack meeting with Hammond to go over upcoming mission assignments.  Not particularly fond of the administrative minutia, Jack was relieved when he heard the knock on the door and Harriman’s tentative request for entry.  His relief was short-lived when the door opened and he saw the look on the gate tech’s face.

Walter kept his eyes on the general as he spoke.  “Excuse me, Sirs.  There’s a data breach in progress.”

Jack swore.  “Those bastards at NID again?”

Walter shook his head, still not looking at the colonel.  “No, Sir.  It’s coming from inside the mountain.  I, uh... well, I identified the source as Major Carter’s laptop.”

 _And there’s the third_ , Jack thought as he slowly stood up, his face impassive despite the emotions churning in his gut.  

The general noted Jack’s lack of surprise as he also headed to the door.  “You two, come with me.”  In the elevator, Jack brought the general up to speed on Lt. Blaine’s concerns about Carter.  The three of them entered Sam’s lab to find her busily tapping away at her laptop, oblivious to everything else.

“Major,” the general spoke when she showed no signs of acknowledging their presence.

“Sir?”  She looked up, her smile faltering when she saw the somber expressions on their faces.

“Please step away from your computer.”  Her eyes widened in confusion, but she did as he asked.  Harriman slipped past her to take her seat.

“What’s going on?” she asked the colonel.  She can’t quite read her CO’s face, but something is definitely wrong.  He remained silent, clenched fists jammed in his pockets.  The general responded with his own question.

“What have you been working on, Major?”

She glanced over to where Harriman was now working on her computer and back to the general, confused.  “I was reviewing the specs for the cold dialing program, Sir.”

The general looked past her to where Harriman was shaking his head.  “Let’s see it,” Hammond instructed.  The tech turned the laptop to face the others and Sam leaned down to look at the activity history now displayed on the screen.  She read bits of it aloud as her puzzlement grew.  “Iris codes...  active offworld... removable memory.”  Her hands reached for the keys as she said louder, “Sir, this isn’t possible.”

“Please don’t touch that computer, Major,” the general said firmly.

She stood quickly, pulling her hands back.  “Of course not, Sir.”  She turned to face the two superior officers.

Harriman spoke up, very reluctantly.  He had always admired Major Carter and was finding it hard to believe what he was seeing.  “It looks like she was trying to download the codes and the locations of our offworld teams.”  He turned the laptop around again and tapped some keys.  “She was also looking at the files on the Alpha Site.”

“Would you like to revise your earlier statement, Major Carter?”

“No, Sir.  I was...” she trailed off as she tried to envision the cold dialing program code up on the screen, but there was just that hazy void again.  “I can’t remember,” she whispered, a sliver of pain jolting her even as the pieces started to click into place.  The headaches, unusual behavior, lapses in memory.  Her eyes locked with the colonel’s and she could see the same recognition in them.  “Oh god.” 

Jack spared her one look of compassion and sympathy before his eyes shuttered.

Hammond stood quietly, no less aware of the obvious conclusion than his people.  Sam Carter was no longer in control.  He stood back for as long as he could to allow them to come to terms with what would have to happen now. 

He turned to the gate tech who looked stricken as he stared disbelievingly at the laptop screen.  Hammond spoke quietly.  “Sergeant, I want a full listing of everything the major has looked at or downloaded since her return.  I want to know if there’s even the slightest hint that any of it made it past our security.  Major.”  He raised his voice as he turned to where Carter was silently processing the emerging reality under Jack’s watchful gaze.  Trying to keep his tone sympathetic but firm, he said, “Colonel O’Neill will escort you to the infirmary.  I want every test run that Dr. Fraiser can think of.  We will all reconvene once we have the results.”

Their muted “Yes Sir”s carried them from the room and they began a silent trek to the infirmary.  Sam’s thoughts were a mass of questions and self-recrimination.  Why hadn’t she seen what was happening?  She had rationalized not telling Janet about key symptoms, the headaches, the memory loss.  She had refused to even admit the extent of her symptoms to herself.  It made no sense, unless her suspicions were right and she really was no longer in the driver’s seat of her own body. 

She could feel him and she drew some small comfort from his presence even as she could feel him closing himself from her by the minute.  Physically, he had already increased the normal distance between them.  She could feel him conspicuously not watching her, at the same time she knew he was aware of every move she made, ready to counter any attempt to make a break for it.  A nearly hysterical chuckle broke forth as she contemplated reassuring him that she had no intention of running; that she wanted answers as much as he did.  But though he may want to believe her, he couldn’t afford to.  For that matter, neither could she.

They entered the quiet infirmary.  Janet stood and greeted them with smile as she walked toward them, always happy to see members of SG-1 entering on their own two feet.  Her smile dropped as she neared them.  The colonel’s expression was purposefully blank and Sam was pale and shaking ever so slightly.  “What’s happened?” the doctor asked.

Jack replied in a matter-of-fact voice.  “We need you to run some tests on Carter.”  
  
Janet’s lips quirked uncertainly as she looked back and forth between the two of them.  “We’ve run just about every test I know of on Sam since she got back.  What exactly are you looking for?”

“Goa’uld devices, anything those snaky bastards have tried to get past us before or anything that you’ve ever thought they might try.”

“We’ve done all those tests, Colonel.  I...”

Sam’s tightly controlled voice cut her off.  “Janet, please.  Just run the tests.”

Janet looked at her, reading the stress and edginess in her friend.  “Okay.  You know the drill.  Go grab a gown and get changed.”  Sam retreated to the end of the infirmary, pulling a curtain shut to give herself some privacy.

Addressing the colonel, Janet asked, “What exactly am I looking for Sir?  What happened?”

“Anything that may be controlling Carter’s behavior.”  He thought for a moment.  “Better call MacKenzie in on this too.  It might not be physical.”

“But something did happen?  Sam’s done something already?”

He nodded. 

“What if, what if we don’t find anything, Colonel?”

“We have to, Doctor.”  He wasn’t willing to accept that Carter was doing these things voluntarily.  “Keep looking till you find it.”

~SG1~

It was hours later that they sat around the briefing table.  Jack took his place next to the general, gratefully noticing that Daniel and Teal’c maneuvered a still withdrawn Sam into the chair between them.  She had been mostly silent through the afternoon, answering Janet’s questions in brief, one or two word answers.  MacKenzie had insisted on conducting his session with her in private.

Janet’s face indicated what she was about to report before she even spoke.  “None of the tests show anything unusual.  I’ve gone back and reviewed all test results since Sam came back, I’ve compared today’s tests to historical data on file, and I’ve found nothing physically anomalous.”  The tension level in the room ratcheted up slightly before she continued.  “But Dr. MacKenzie believes he may be able to shed some light on what’s happening.”

All eyes except Sam’s turned to the psychiatrist.  “I am fairly confident that we are dealing with some type of psychological mind control, possibly post-hypnotic suggestion or some form of operant conditioning.”  He looked at Sam.  “Major, would you please share with everyone what you told us earlier?”

Sam tensed a bit as everyone’s focus shifted to her.  She wanted to look to the colonel for reassurance, for that gentle understanding look of support, but didn’t for fear that it wouldn’t be there.  He had left the infirmary once the SFs assigned to shadow her had showed up.  She knew that he would do everything in his power to make sure she was treated fairly, but that his priority had to be the good of the base, of the planet.  He would lock his emotions away until they found an answer for this.  She expected nothing less from her CO.

“I’ve been having headaches.  At first I thought they were just part of my recovery, but looking back...”  She winced a bit as the constant dull ache started to sharpen and throb.  “It seems that they would get worse at times when I would talk about what happened, or when I tried to use the object Ferretti’s team brought back.  After it was destroyed, I felt better, normal.”  The pain in her head was continuing to build.  She tried to focus on breathing through the pain. 

“There’ve also been memory issues.  I don’t have any concrete recollection of connecting the power leads to that device.” Her voice was shaking with the stress of controlling her pain response.  “I don’t remember doing anything in my lab this morning either.  I... My brain tells me that I was looking at the cold-dialing program, but I can’t see it.  I can’t see the iris codes either, for that...”

She dimly heard the colonel’s “What the hell?” as the pain morphed into agony and her vision blurred.  She slumped forward in her chair, pressing her hands into her skull.  She could feel Daniel’s hand on her back as he called her name, Teal’c kneeling at her other side.

Janet was rounding the table immediately, pulling a syringe from her pocket and uncapping it as she went.  After she had administered the medication, they could all hear the major’s stuttered breathing start to even out.

“What did you just give her, Doctor?” Hammond asked.

“A concentrated form of a migraine medicine, General, to help blunt the pain.”  She shot a scathing look at MacKenzie as she said pointedly, “It worked earlier.”

Before Jack could say a word as the doctor’s implication set in, the general followed up.  “Dr. MacKenzie, you knew this would happen?”

MacKenzie stammered a bit, possibly thrown by the coldly murderous look on Jack’s face.  “Well, this was quite a bit worse than what happened earlier, but I felt that a practical demonstration of the type of conditioned response Major Carter is experiencing would be...  You have to understand that this was significantly more extreme than her reaction when she told us this earlier.”

By this point, Sam had regained an upright position and was breathing fairly normally.  When Janet said ‘blunt the pain’ that was accurate, but unfortunately that was all it did.  Instead of sharp talons tearing at her skull, she now felt as if a balloon were being inflated inexorably from the center of her brain, pushing and compressing everything in its way. 

The general looked at her.  “Major, are you all right?”

She nodded slowly.  “Yes, Sir.”

“Very well.  In light of Dr. MacKenzie’s ill-advised, but very illuminating, demonstration, I recognize that your actions were dictated by forces outside your control.  However, I know that you understand as well as I do that there is a very real security concern here.”  She nodded again.  “Major Carter, you will be restricted to base for the time being and your security clearance within this facility will be deactivated.  I will not restrict you to your quarters.  You may have full access to any non-classified area such as the commissary, the gym, the infirmary, but you must be accompanied at all times outside your quarters.  I give you my word, Major, that we will do everything in our power to find a way to make this right.”

“Thank you, General.”

Daniel’s eyes swung between Sam and the general with a look of disbelief.  He looked toward Jack, who was sitting stony-faced, then at the others around the table.  No one seemed to have a problem with this.  He spoke up, “I’m sorry, General.  It sounds to me like she’s under arrest.” 

“Daniel, it’s okay.”  She smiled weakly at him.

“Dr. Jackson, you cannot be suggesting that we allow Major Carter to continue to access sensitive information while under the control of an alien influence?”

“Well, no.  But why not just let her go home?” he continued to press, trying to fight for his friend and teammate.

Sam jumped in before Hammond could answer.  She knew how that Daniel wouldn’t give up easily and wanted to put him at ease; she didn’t want to cause any more problems than she already had.  “Daniel, if I’m compromised, then I represent a threat to Earth.  They can’t just let me walk around.  General Hammond is already being very generous in allowing me so much freedom within the complex.”  He looked unsure.  She pushed the pain away for a minute, trying to project her sincerity and gratitude to her teammate.  “It’s for the best, Daniel.  I’m okay with it.”

Reluctantly, he acquiesced.  Privately, he reserved the right to revisit this conversation with Jack or Hammond later.  For now, he would allow Sam the dignity of not having to publicly convince him that her punishment was fair.  Hammond dismissed Sam and she left quietly, followed by the SFs.

“Now people, I want to know how this was done and how we fix it.”  Hammond’s tone was icy.

MacKenzie shook his head.  “I should have suspected this.”

“Why Doctor?”  
  


“Major Carter told me the other day that she has been inserting the members of her team into her dream memories of her captivity.  I assumed that it was just a manifestation of latent resentment at the amount of time it took to rescue her.  Given what we know now, I can see that it is because we really are her enemies.”

“Not Carter’s.”  Jack’s voice was hard, carrying a not-so-subtle warning edge, as he spoke for the first time.

“Colonel?”

“ _We_ are not Carter’s enemies.  We are the enemies of whatever that sadistic son-of-a-bitch put in her head.”

MacKenzie blanched and put a hand out in a conciliatory gesture.  “An important distinction Colonel.  I apologize.”

“Don’t forget it.”  He glared at the shrink for a moment more before continuing.  “The only thing that seems obvious to me is that however this brainwashing was done, it was done badly.”  They all looked at him.  “Think about it, she keeps getting caught.  She’s way too conspicuous about it.”

“I disagree, O’Neill.”

Jack’s eyes swung down to Teal’c.  “Uh, Teal’c, none of us would be sitting here right now having this conversation if she hadn’t gotten caught.”

“I do not believe that to be a weakness of the conditioning, but rather a sign of Major Carter’s attempt to fight it.”  Teal’c saw the mostly blank stares from around the table and continued.  “Major Carter is very strong, but obviously cannot defeat the conditioned responses.  However, I do believe that it is possible that she may have channeled her actions to alert us to the situation.”

“Like a cry for help,” Daniel suggested.  Teal’c nodded.  Daniel looked at Jack’s doubtful stare and said, “Come on.  Like Sam doesn’t know five ways to get around the computer security system.  Did she even try?” he asked the general.

Hammond shook his head, thoughtful.  “No.  I had Sgt. Harriman go over all of Major Carter’s activity.  She simply went straight in to copy the files.”

Daniel smiled.  “She’s fighting it.  That’s a good thing, right?”

Janet smiled supportively.  “It is a good thing, Daniel.  But you saw what fighting it does to her.  We still need to find some way to reverse its effects.”

The silence at the table indicated that no one had any ideas to offer.  Hammond stood.  “I will inform Jacob of this development.  Possibly the Tok’ra have some idea what we’re looking at.  Doctors Fraiser and MacKenzie, you will continue to monitor the major’s condition.  SG-1, I need you to maintain your mission schedule, but all other long-term projects can be put on hold until we get this figured out.  Dismissed.”

Everyone filed out until only Jack and the general were left.  “Colonel?”

Jack cleared his throat.  “I was just wondering if there’s any possible way we could keep this out of the official reports, Sir?”

Hammond sighed.  “I’m sorry, Colonel.  I can’t do that.”

Jack’s face tightened.  “General, if the NID gets wind of this, who knows what they’ll do to her.  You know what they’re capable of.”

“Colonel, I will do everything in my power to keep that from happening, but I cannot withhold this information.  Major Carter has intimate knowledge of almost every system on this base as well as almost every mission that is currently slated.  She has been compromised.  The President has to know.”


	11. Chapter 11

_He walked slowly around her, a quivering mass huddled in on herself. Her skin was marred by numerous lacerations, some old, some new and still bleeding. She had long since screamed herself hoarse, but her eyes told him she still refused to submit. He looked to the side, examining the array of instruments waiting for him. He reached for a blade and felt its weight in his palm. He knelt by the woman, tilting her chin up to look into her blue eyes as he raised the knife to hover in her vision._

_"Just answer me and this will all be over." His voice sounded foreign to his own ears as it echoed back to him._

_Her face set stubbornly, she jerked her chin from his fingers as she shook her head, bracing for the next cut._

_He lowered the knife to her skin._

Summoning all his will, Jack woke himself from the dream with a strangled yell. Chest heaving, he took in his surroundings immediately, relaxing when he realized he had fallen asleep sitting on the couch in his own living room. Leaning his head back against the cushions, he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, trying to block the image of a tortured Carter, trying to forget the feel of the knife in his hand.

He reached for his half-drunk beer sitting precariously on the end table. Feeling the now-warm bottle, he grimaced and left it where it was. It was a wonder that he hadn't had this dream last night after Daniel's revelation about Sam's nightmare. He supposed that MacKenzie's confirmation was the final straw his subconscious needed to create this scenario. Every word of Carter's report was burned into his brain. Mix that with his own memories and you got a fairly vivid nightmare, apparently.

He pushed off the couch, trying to walk off some of the adrenaline surge. He passed the empty spot where his photo of SG-1 had been until a few days ago. He could still see it: Carter's brilliant smile, her head slightly turned toward Daniel who had continued talking despite Fraiser's exasperated pleas to smile for the camera, Teal'c and Jack on either side of them. Teal'c wore a tolerant, slightly amused expression. The camera had caught Jack in the split second before he rolled his eyes at whatever Daniel was saying. It was one of Jack's favorites, capturing so much of what he loved about his team.

He wandered back to stand next to the couch, absentmindedly picking up the beer and swallowing the warm liquid. He held the bottle loosely in his fingers, tapping it against his thigh, staring through the windows into the dark night. Over the past couple of years, the nagging certainty had grown that eventually their luck would run out and they would lose someone. They had cheated fate a couple too many times already. But if he was honest, he had always assumed it would be him. He'd wanted it to be him. He would willingly die for any of them and the fact that he hadn't had the opportunity to even try to save her when it counted burned in his soul.

And now, she was still lost to him. And again, there was nothing he could do. He gulped the remainder of his beer with a grimace, left the empty bottle, and headed to bed.

~SG1~

Sam woke to the dried tracks of tears on her cheeks and the taste of blood in her mouth from her lip trapped between her teeth. She turned over to look at the clock on her bedside table and was appalled to see that it was 1000. She supposed that having two massive migraines the day before could be to blame for this unprecedented sleep-in. Or maybe she was just hiding, trying to avoid what was waiting for her on the other side of her door.

Sam had returned to her quarters immediately after leaving the briefing room the afternoon before. Daniel and Teal'c had both called after the meeting had ended to offer their company. They had both politely accepted her patently obvious lie that she was tired and just wanted to sleep.

She had had no real desire to sleep but couldn't bring herself to face them, not yet. She wanted some time to get used to her new self-identity as she tried on different names: traitor, pawn, sleeper agent, patsy. She had sat on her bed and tried to review every moment since she returned. Had she done other things to put the base at risk? When had the disconnect within herself begun? That line of thought was fairly quickly aborted as the circlets of pain around her skull contracted every time she thought too deeply about her recent actions.

Looking for distraction, she had then occupied herself trying to devise a formula to determine exactly how long it would take for the entire base to learn of her situation. Rumors spread like wildfire, particularly when they involved members of SG-1. She estimated that it would take less than a day for all active duty personnel to hear about it and another week for word to filter out through the alpha site, airmen on leave, and teams on long-term missions. Of course, she had to figure it all out long-hand because they had taken her computer away.

She stayed in her room as long as she could stand it. Around lunchtime, she gave up and headed out the door. She stopped by the infirmary where Janet was blessedly ultra-professional and efficient in her check-up and then went on to the commissary. As she walked through the corridors, it became apparent that the rumor mill was running at full capacity, confirmed every minute she was followed by her SF tail.

There seemed to be a range of reaction from the people she passed. There were some sympathetic looks, but most people just appeared uncomfortable, as if they didn't know how to react. People knew how to congratulate SG-1 on their victories and how to sympathize with their injuries and losses. This didn't seem to fit cleanly into those parameters. However, it was the few blatantly hostile stares that she felt the most keenly. Grateful for the years of practice, she maintained her impassive expression as she passed a former teammate of Major Boarman, whose eyes were cold and unfriendly as they followed her progress into the mess.

Her appetite fading by the minute, she moved quickly through the line, grabbing whatever looked mildly palatable, and took a seat at an empty table. Every eye was on her but she refused to look around, to take count of common curiosity versus hostility. She wondered if this was how Teal'c had felt when he had first come to Earth. She hoped to god it wasn't anything he might still feel now.

She picked at her lunch, wishing she had not chosen to eat here in public, but refusing to give in to the temptation to turn tail and run. Even though she kept her eyes focused on her tray, she was aware when someone slid into the empty seat across from her. Expecting the colonel or Daniel, her brow creased in confusion when she looked up to see Sarah Blaine.

"Lieutenant?"

"I hope you don't mind, Ma'am. This seat was open." The younger woman smiled at her and began arranging her tray.

Sam looked around at any number of tables with one or more open seats and then back at her table-mate. "You know, Lieutenant, I'm technically not your boss anymore. You don't really have to..."

"Suck up?" Sarah offered. "I'm not. Just wanted lunch and maybe some conversation."

Sam let out a short, humorless laugh. "Well, conversation with me could land you in the doghouse, Lieutenant. Thank you for the gesture but I won't be offended if you want to sit somewhere else."

Sarah just shrugged and finished chewing. "So, you remember the other day when I was telling Sgt. Siler about that complete bimbo my brother is dating?" Sam halfway nodded in a daze. "Well, you won't believe what they've gone and done now." And with that, Sarah was off and running on a conversational medley. She would touch on a different topic every few minutes, innocuous things like family stories, celebrities, and non-SGC-related science. If Sam failed to respond to a topic, she would wander to the next, until she found something that engaged the major for a few minutes.

Sarah's tray was empty before Sam was able to finish her lunch, but she just sat back and continued talking enthusiastically. When Sam finished, they walked together to the tray return and toward the exit, practically running into Jack as they entered the corridor.

Jack and the lieutenant exchanged formal pleasantries and then she excused herself to return to work. Sam waited, hoping he would just continue in to lunch, but instead he leaned up against the wall, looking at her.

"So, Carter, how you doing?"

She shrugged. "Well, I don't think I've sold us out to the Goa'uld this morning, so... great!" Seeing his wince, she felt a little sheepish for snapping and asked, "Too soon?"

He looked at her, trying to read the truth behind the public face. It was unlike her to be so flippant about a situation this serious. And he had to stop looking at every little behavioral anomaly as if it was a sign of her losing control. Except he had to. That was his job. And at times like this, his job sucked.

"How's the headache?" he followed up.

"Under control." She watched as a group of new trainees skirted past her, practically hugging the opposite wall. Jack frowned, as unhappy with them treating her as a pariah as her seeming acceptance of it.

He nodded toward the the retreating airmen. "That happening a lot?"

She took a deep breath. "Well, Sir, everyone knows. It's a little weird."

"Any potential problems or is it just 'Ewww, cooties' like that?"

She paused just a split second longer than honesty required. "No, just silly stuff like that."

"Major?"

Her eyes met his. "No problems, Colonel," she said firmly, her eyes pleading to leave this alone, to not do this here in public, in front of an impersonal guard.

He nodded. "You let me know if that changes, okay?"

"Yes, Sir."

He shifted his weight, looking into the commissary. "I'm going to go get some food. I'll see you around, Carter."

She watched him walk away, feeling like the conversation was strangely unfinished. It felt like she had something she was supposed to tell him but couldn't remember. She was tempted to call him back and see if it sparked anything. Wincing at the increasing pressure in her head, she decided it wasn't worth it to subject him to another incredibly awkward attempt at conversation and headed back to her quarters.

~SG1~

The next few days passed slowly for Sam, developing into a dull routine. Despite the mixed reactions she had seen that first day, there were some friendly faces. Daniel and Teal'c, obviously, but also Sarah, Walter, Siler, and Graham Simmons would share meals with her when she occasionally ventured out of her room. It made it a little easier to endure the uncomfortable and suspicious looks.

She hadn't seen Jack since their difficult conversation outside the mess. She understood his absence, or she tried to. By staying away, he could maintain credible objectivity in decisions regarding her situation; he could protect her better from an administrative vantage at this stage. She was sure that he was monitoring the daily reports from Janet and MacKenzie as well as getting updates from Daniel and Teal'c. She did her best to ignore the little voice echoing in her brain that he had deserted her again; that he was just protecting himself.

She spent most of her time holed up in her room, reading. Daniel had apparently bought out a bookstore and was delivering books by the armful to her: historical analyses, mysteries, trashy romances, even books of crossword puzzles. They were mildly distracting, but nothing like the thrill of trying to solve the puzzles of the universe.

Afternoons were spent in frustrating 'therapy' sessions with Dr. MacKenzie that struck Sam as much closer to interrogations. No matter what angle he seemed to take, they made no progress as to what Ugallu had done, what Sam was expected to do or how she was expected to get the information back to the goa'uld. The more she tried to focus on the events from her captivity, the worse the headache, sometimes leaving her shaking and nearly blind with pain. Janet had put her on a daily preventative dose of migraine medication, trying to alleviate the worst of the symptoms.

She wasn't allowed a computer in any form but still felt the need to get some of her thoughts and ideas down, even though anything she suggested for the SGC program would be suspect. She took to writing longhand. She began to see the reason Daniel had held on to it for so long. It was pleasantly focusing and almost sensuous, the paper, the pen, the slight scratching sound and the way the muscles in her hand would move. She took to writing before trying to sleep, hoping to focus her thoughts and avoid the inevitable nightmares.

~SG1~

Daniel had let her know that SG-1 was heading offworld, although he was careful not to mention where or why. Daniel was such a talker that it was obvious he was avoiding those particular details, but Sam thought it was sweet of him to try to include her as much as possible. Her extended network of base friends helped to fill in their absence; somehow at least one of them was always available when she ventured out to common areas. Conversation with them dried up after a couple of days. Sam had little new to say and they didn't have enough shared history outside of the cement walls of the SGC. But Sam still appreciated their efforts and they provided a sort of a buffer between her and the rest of the personnel.

It was four days before SG-1 returned from their successful first contact mission. They went through the customary post-mission processes with something close to their usual chatter and interjections, Hammond was pleased to note. As they were heading away from the debrief, Daniel checked his watch and smiled. "Hey, it's just about dinner time. Why don't we go grab some food from that Chinese place Sam likes and bring it back? We can surprise her."

Teal'c nodded. "I will gladly accompany you in this endeavor."

They looked at Jack. He wanted to go see her, had in fact thought of her to an unhealthy degree over the past few days. He needed to make sure she was doing okay and to reassure her that they would find the answers. But he couldn't. Not this time. He couldn't be her friend and 2IC of the SGC. He shook his head, suppressing a sigh. "I've got a ton of paperwork waiting for me, Daniel. You guys go on. Tell her I said hi."

With that he turned and walked away, leaving Daniel stunned. He turned to Teal'c. "Is that the same Jack O'Neill that was talking about Sam almost nonstop for the last four days?" Teal'c didn't respond, merely watched O'Neill's retreating form thoughtfully. "I mean it. I tallied it up one day. He couldn't go more than an hour without mentioning her. I don't even think he knew he was doing it."

"It is his decision, Daniel Jackson. For now, we must go procure spicy shrimp and mixed vegetables."

Still half wanting to go after Jack and trying to force him to change his mind, Daniel finally shrugged and they headed for the elevator.

~SG1~

When Sam opened her door to see her two friends standing there holding aromatic bags of food, she smiled widely, the first genuine smile to cross her face since they had figured out what was going on with her. They all sat together around her small table and shared the meal. While they ate, Daniel looked at her. He was shocked at how much worse she looked even just after four days. She was thinner and paler, the dark circles under her eyes much more exaggerated. When she knew they were looking at her, she seemed to be close to normal, but in unguarded moments, when Daniel and Teal'c were talking to each other, he could see from the corner of his eye that her shoulders sagged ever so slightly and her hands shook as she lifted the food to her mouth. The instant he turned his gaze directly on her, though, she pulled it back together.

They chatted while eating, mostly trivial topics, but as they were finishing up, she asked, "So, how's the colonel doing?"

Daniel's face fell. He had been hoping that maybe Jack had just wanted to see her alone and had dropped by while they were picking up the food. "He didn't come by?"

"No. I haven't really seen him since the day after I was, um, diagnosed."

Anger welled up in Daniel. "I can't believe he would be so..." He looked to Teal'c for support but merely received an impassive glance in return. He looked between the two of them. "What? Why does everyone seem so ready to accept that he's not here. He's our friend. He should be here!"

"Daniel," Sam said softly, leaning forward with a sympathetic look. And boy, did he feel like crap when he realized she was comforting him. "His position on this base doesn't allow for him to be personally involved in a situation like this. I'm not sure that I would even want him to take the chance." She hoped that the last bit came out sincere as she was certain that she wanted, maybe even needed, him to come provide that personal support that she had come to rely on. But she couldn't have his team turning against him. Even if she wasn't officially his second anymore, she would present the united front and support his decision.

Daniel was confused. "But you see me... and Teal'c. And you have lunch with Walter and, and everybody."

She shook off the now familiar buildup of tension whenever she focused on her condition. "Daniel, you're not the one that's going to be involved in the decision making when it comes down to it. Plus, I make sure that I never see any of you alone. Daniel you have to understand the danger I present..." She choked off, groaning, half at the pain suddenly flaring through her head and half in frustration as her ability to communicate seemed to shut down.

Daniel and Teal'c were immediately at her side, gently lifting her and guiding her to the bed. They could feel the shaking tension in her muscles and her breathing shallow and strained as the pain built. They helped her lay down and then sat carefully on the edges of the bed, occasionally stroking her forehead or arms.

She felt lost inside her own head, aware that they were right there but unable to reach out to them. How long could she continue this way, ideas and images half formed in her mind that fled before she could see the details; thoughts that she couldn't put into words even inside her own head, much less share out loud with those who might be able to help her. Eventually, she knew it would drive her into a wholly mental world of half-formed memories, voices, and constant pain.

Daniel froze as he saw the look of desperation in her wide eyes. "Sam, you gotta hang in there. We're going to find this guy, we're going to find out what he did to you and we're going to fix it."

"Should we call Dr. Fraiser?" Teal'c asked.

Daniel nodded and the Jaffa got up to place the call before returning to Sam's side. By the time Janet arrived, Sam was beginning to return to normal. "What happened?" the doctor asked as she began taking Sam's vitals.

Daniel answered quietly. "She was telling us why... She was talking about the threat she might pose. And then, she was just in so much pain." He bit his lip, feeling guilty that it had been his insistent questioning that led to this. He could still see a haunted look in Sam's eyes as she sat quietly on the bed.

Janet finished up her exam. "Well, your pulse and blood pressure are still a bit high. Are you still taking the medication I gave you?" Sam nodded. "Okay, then. I don't think there's anything more I can do for you right now, unless you feel like you need to stay in the infirmary overnight."

She smiled as Sam shook her head as vehemently as possible given the remnants of the headache. "All right, then. But I want you to try to get some rest soon."

She left and the guys hung around for another twenty minutes just to make sure that Sam was really doing okay. Finally they too said good night and left her to fall into an exhausted sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

"General, I have to repeat: I do not think this is a good idea," Janet's voice was resolute as she looked around the briefing table at the others: General Hammond, Colonel O'Neill, and Dr. MacKenzie. "Sam's reactive episodes have been getting steadily worse. Daniel and Teal'c called me in a panic the other night when a casual conversation resulted in a massive reaction. To try to deliberately steer her toward the triggering memories could have dire consequences."

MacKenzie leaned forward. "I believe that hypnosis will provide a safe environment to explore those memories. And even if she does become uncomfortable, we stand a good chance that she will be fine when we back her out of the hypnotic state."

Jack just barely refrained from rolling his eyes. He wished someone would look at MacKenzie's insane desire to treat everything as business as usual when dealing with the bizarre and alien situations at the SGC.

The general caught Jack's silent derision and turned to him. "Colonel?"

"I just don't see how this could be a good idea. I don't think we have any yardstick to predict what will happen."

The general nodded in agreement, but continued talking. "Unfortunately, I think that drastic steps may be necessary. NID has gotten wind of Major Carter's situation. They have submitted an official request for her to be remanded to their custody." Jack sat up straighter. "I will, of course, give the request its due, rather lengthy, consideration before I reject it. They will, of course, proceed up the ladder but I think I can say with some assurance that the next couple of rungs will be similarly disposed. But it will eventually get to the President's desk. While he is sympathetic to us, unless we can give him some concrete reason that she should stay where she is, he will have no choice but to grant their request."

The room was silent. After giving them all some time to digest the news, he continued, "Does that impact your opinion at all, Doctor Fraiser?"

"Medically, no. It still seems like an awfully big risk. But, given this new information, possibly the risk is worth it. I don't know that I'm the person who should make that call."

The general nodded to the airman standing against the wall, who disappeared into the hallway.

"I agree. Which is why I've asked Major Carter to join us. If no one can provide me with a definitive rationale to either proceed or not, I think the choice should be hers."

Jack turned to watch as the airman led Sam into the room. She carried herself straight and tall as usual, habit and pride would allow nothing else, but her movements were just slightly slower than normal, more deliberate as if she had to think about each step. He had been reading Fraiser's reports. He knew that she was losing weight and understood that the doc was worried about the impact her constant pain was having on her overall health. But he realized something was getting lost in the translation, because he had no idea it was this bad.

He tried to hide his reaction, but she was watching him as intently as he was watching her. Her eyes never left his face as she approached the table. She felt the push of conflicting feelings both driving her toward him and warning her away. There was an almost physical pull to be near him, a welcome calm that settled over her as soon as their eyes met. But it was almost immediately countered by a surge of the quiet, subliminal resentment that she could only pray was coming from the part of her brain usurped by Ugallu.

She took the open seat next to him, which he felt a rueful sense of relief about. He didn't know if he could stomach her sitting across from him, wasted away, in imminent danger of being taken away yet again as he could do nothing but sit by. As she settled, Hammond began.

"Major Carter, we have a decision to make today. Dr. MacKenzie believes that there may be merit to attempting hypnosis in order to ascertain what Ugallu sent you back here to find and how you would relay this information back to him. Possibly we could even uncover how he planted these instructions in your mind and begin to find a way to neutralize them. However, Dr. Fraiser has some concerns." He drew a breath, ready to turn the presentation over to the two doctors when Sam answered.

"I'll do it."

Jack turned toward her. "Carter?" he said, his tone half-question, half-caution.

"I have to know, Colonel. I can't go on like this forever." She looked at him intently. He saw a fatalism in her expression that he had never seen before and knew that she wasn't just speaking metaphorically. She really thought that she wasn't going to survive this. And she wanted answers before it took her down. She silently begged him not to make it harder for her.

He slowly sat back, uttering a resigned, "Yeah," giving her the only thing he could: his support.

Hammond looked back and forth between the two. They had obviously come to some understanding, and if Jack was satisfied, then that was good enough for him, at least personally. Professionally, he needed to assure that she was aware of what was at stake.

"Very well, Major. We can set something up for this afternoon, but before that, I would like you to take a little time to talk to Dr. Fraiser about her concerns. If you want to postpone the session or cancel it altogether, everyone here will understand."

Sam nodded, knowing that nothing Janet could say would make her change her mind.

~SG1~

Daniel entered the observation room where Jack was watching them prep Sam for the hypnosis session below. His face was still buried in the report he was reading as he walked. "Jack?" he questioned. "Siler said you were down here. I need to ask you something." He looked through the window and stopped, seeing Janet applying electrodes to Sam's temples, MacKenzie standing to the side. He looked up at Jack. "What's going on?" he asked.

"MacKenzie's going to try to hypnotize Carter. See if that gives us some clearer memories."

Daniel's brow knit together. "Are we sure that's even..."

"No," Jack brusquely cut him off.

He nodded. "Okay." He played with the edges of the paper as they watched Fraiser checking the display on the nearby monitor. "Has anyone considered just giving her some time? Maybe if we just stopped inundating her with questions."

"We can't wait. NID found out what happened," was Jack's terse reply.

Daniel knew he was missing something. "So?" he drew out the word.

"So they've submitted an official request that she be transferred to their custody."

"What difference does it makes whose custody she's in? If she could tell us anything, she would."

Jack just looked at him, his expression dark. Daniel could see the anxiety and anger underneath. "What would they do to her?"

Jack turned away from the window to look at straight at Daniel. "Well, they'd get her out of the country, away from US jurisdiction. I guess we should be glad that at least they can't get her off the planet. And then they will try anything and everything to get her to talk."

Daniel shook his head. It was impossible to contemplate. "They can't. I mean, Jack, it's Sam. I can understand when they're dealing with aliens. I mean, I still think it's abhorrent and represents a total breakdown of everything that's good about being human, but I see how they can justify it to themselves. But Sam, she's, she's not just from Earth, she's an American citizen, a Major in the Air Force. Her father's a general for god's sake! How can they think they can get away with this?"

"They will. They always do."

"But you can stop this, right?" Daniel seemed almost childlike in his certainty that Jack held the answer.

Jack sighed. "I don't know, Daniel. Hammond's doing everything he can, but I think it's pretty much a done deal. Maybe if we can get something today, it'll be enough to justify keeping her here." He turned back to the now dimly lit room to find it empty of everyone other than Fraiser, MacKenzie, and Carter. It had been decided to keep the audience to a minimum to protect Sam's privacy. Hammond would have been here as well, but he was dealing with a team unexpectedly returning early. He turned the speakers up a bit as he heard MacKenzie's calm voice start the relaxation process designed to put Carter under. Daniel was tense and silent beside him.

Jack's jaw twitched as he thought of the myriad half-formed escape ideas that had been flying through his brain since that morning. Separate her from the SF guarding her, get her through the gate, take her somewhere deserted, somewhere safe from the NID, safe from Ugallu. He would do it too, without regrets; he would leave behind his career, his friends, and his planet if he thought it would help her.

But she would still have whatever mess in her brain that goa'uld had left. She would still be trying to complete whatever task had been set out for her and presumably to return to him. The idea of Carter at Ugallu's mercy again was unthinkable. She still had more knowledge of how to break through their security than anybody else in the galaxy. Either she would continue to refuse to submit to him, earning her more torture and death and slow insanity or she would break, and torture herself into insanity if he allowed her to live that long.

Jack sighed. It was obvious that even if he could get her out of there, she would still have to be watched constantly to keep her out of Ugallu's clutches. She would still be a prisoner, and with only Jack to guard her, the likelihood of her slipping away was too high.

They heard MacKenzie begin directed questioning as Sam sat relaxed against an inclined bed. "I want you to focus your thoughts on the time when you were held by Ugallu." Immediately her muscles tensed and her breathing quickened, her face drawn in fear or pain, but MacKenzie reacted just as quickly. "Major, you are safe. These are only memories; they can't hurt you. You are simply an observer in your thoughts right now." She relaxed slightly.

"He asked you to do something for him. I want you to picture that in your mind and tell us."

She spoke in a dull monotone. "'Get on your hands and knees. I want to hear you scream.'"

In the observation room, Daniel dropped into a chair, closing his eyes against images of situations in which those commands would have come up. Jack kept his eyes pinned on Carter, assessing the tension in her jaw and around her eyes, the way her hands were pulled into fists, and he prayed that MacKenzie was right and that she would leave this behind her when he pulled her out of the hypnotic state.

"Major, I want you to move on from that. Try to think of a time when he asked you to obtain information that you didn't yet have. He wanted you to collect intelligence and report back to him."

She nodded slowly. "Yes." Janet kept an eye on the monitor next to Sam. They had turned the sound off to not interfere, but she saw the numbers start to climb.

"Tell us about that memory."

There was silence. Everyone was holding their breath, hoping that maybe they would miraculously get the answers they needed in the next few minutes. Sam opened her mouth. "I... He..." Her words were forced and choppy.

Jack couldn't read the monitor from his distance, but he could see the minute the displays started going haywire, blinking red lights appearing in several sections. He could see Fraiser moving quickly to Carter's side, speaking to MacKenzie but he had no idea what she was saying because all that was coming through the speakers were Carter's agonized screams. The two doctors were struggling to keep her from throwing herself off the bed as her entire body went through multiple convulsions. Jack and Daniel were on their feet and out of the room like a shot.

As they entered the isolation lab, they could hear MacKenzie's voice counting down, trying to bring Carter out of the hypnotic state. As he hit one, her eyes flew open, but there was no silence, no relaxation. They could now make out halting words through the noise. "God, stop, please make it stop."

Janet looked at Jack and Daniel as they approached. "Help me keep her still. I need to give her a shot." They held her as still as possible as Janet quickly grabbed the prepared hypodermic needle sitting to the side and administered it. Thirty seconds later, the screams had subsided to whimpers then silence as the tension ebbed from her body and she slumped back against the bed.

Neither Jack or Daniel seemed inclined to stop touching her as Janet pressed the button to recline the bed, so that Sam was laying down instead of sitting. She looked at the two men, hovering over their teammate and then at MacKenzie, standing a few feet away, looking shaken. "I gave her a fairly potent mix of pain reliever and tranquilizer. She's going to be out for a few hours." The unspoken 'I told you so,' hung heavily in the air.

The psychiatrist shook his head, sincerely regretful. "I am sorry. I really thought we could avoid this." He gave a last look at Sam laying still and pale on the bed and walked out of the room.

Jack became aware of Sam's skin under his hand and realized he was still gripping her arm. He relaxed his hand and slowly pulled his arm back. On the monitor, the flashing red lights were quiet. He nodded at Fraiser. "Thanks for your help, Doc. Keep me apprised of the situation." He took a deep breath and turned for the door.

Daniel watched him leave, feeling the edge of his building anger begin to cut through his self-restraint. He silently followed Jack out into the corridor, the acid in his voice making the older man stop and turn around. "Well, that went well, don't you think?"

"You want to say something, Daniel?"

No, he didn't want to say something. He wanted everything to go back to normal, he wanted Sam to be safe and whole and part of the team again. And he was pretty sure that Jack didn't deserve his anger, that this disastrous episode hadn't been his call. The final decision had probably rested with Fraiser or Hammond, or maybe even Sam, but Jack was standing right there. Jack, his actions defended by Sam even as she was falling apart, walking away from her again. And while some part of his mind knew that she was right, his fear and helplessness needed something to vent against. And he was standing right there.

"We just proved their case, Jack," he said bitterly.

Jack huffed. He didn't feel like playing these games with Daniel today. "What the hell do you mean?"

"You just proved to the NID that there is something there for them to find, that maybe if they push hard enough, they'll get it; that Sam's the enemy! You did the exact opposite of what you wanted to do." His voice had gradually increased in both volume and hysteria as he spoke. Jack looked up and down the corridor, glad to see it empty with the exception of Sam's guard. He grabbed Daniel by the arm and pulled him into an empty lab.

"You think I wanted this, Daniel?" he asked roughly. The archaeologist didn't answer, the flare of his anger already dying out, leaving him tired and drained. "Dammit, no one wanted this. But there are no good solutions here and we're just trying to find the best one in a big pile of shit." Jack sighed, running his hands through his hair. "I'm not giving up, Daniel. I want her safe too."

They stood there looking at each other for a few minutes, uncharacteristically quiet. Daniel could see in Jack's eyes that he would fight to the ends of the galaxy, but he didn't even have a plan A this time. Daniel knew that he and Teal'c didn't have a clue what to do. And their ace in the hole who always pulled out the last second saves was currently drugged to the gills to save her from excruciating pain. Finally Daniel nodded. "Yeah, Jack. I know. I just feel so damn helpless."

"Yeah," Jack seconded, before heading back down to update Hammond on the results of the hypnosis. As Daniel watched him go, it occurred to him that maybe there wasn't going to be a last-minute miracle.

~SG1~

Janet was updating some files in her office when she received a call from the nurse staying with Sam informing her that their patient was beginning to show signs of waking. Janet checked her watch as she headed back to the iso lab; it had only been an hour and a half since she'd administered the medication. Sam should have been out for several more hours.

She could hear Sam's weary groans as soon as she entered the lab. The nurse was waiting to update her. "She's only just now opening her eyes. BP is slightly elevated but stable. All other vitals are in the normal range."

"Thank you. Could you find Dr. Jackson and let him know that she's waking up?" Janet hurried over to Sam's bedside. She had assured Daniel just an hour ago that it was safe for him to go ahead and take a break because Sam wouldn't wake for hours. She smiled brightly at Sam as she opened her eyes with a wince, even in the dimmed lights of the lab.

"Janet?" Sam asked groggily. "God, I hurt." Every part of her ached and throbbed.

Janet looked at her critically. The pain should only be residual aches from the muscle tension earlier. She worried that triggering such an extreme reaction may have raised Sam's baseline pain level. "I'm sorry, I can't give you any more pain medication just yet. You had a very large dose not too long ago. If you can hang in there just a bit longer, maybe another hour or so, we can give you some more when we move you back to your room."

Sam swallowed a whimper at the idea of waiting. She knew that Janet wouldn't prolong her pain unless it was absolutely necessary. She took a slow deep breath and forced a small smile as she nodded.

"It didn't work, did it?"

"No. I think you remembered something, but you weren't able to tell us anything." Sam started to tense up again as she tried to remember what had occurred in her mind. "Don't think about it right now. Just try to relax."

Sam laid back on the pillow, trying not to laugh at the idea of relaxing through this pain. Her eyes wandered around the lab and lit on the window from the observation room. She had seen the colonel up there earlier. His back had been to her as he talked to Daniel, but he had been there, so close. She had been willing him to turn around and look at her, but before he did, MacKenzie had been ready to begin.

Daniel arrived and spent the next hour talking quietly to her, trying to distract her from the pain until Janet okayed the next dose of medication. Afterwards, he and Janet accompanied her back to her quarters and got her settled in bed. Daniel said, "We'll try to make sure someone's here when you wake up, okay, Sam?"

She nodded and mumbled, "Need... to talk." The medication was already kicking in and it was getting harder to form the words she wanted to say, but she was pretty sure that she hadn't gotten her point across. "Have to tell him..." Daniel leaned closer, trying to hear what she was saying. Her eyes fluttered closed. Daniel sat for a minute, then left, satisfied that she was asleep. He contemplated her words, wondering if she was trying to tell them something, or if it was just the medication talking.

~SG1~

_She was breathing shallowly, pretty sure that he had cracked a rib or two in that last barrage. Trying to muster her strength while he was conferring with the Jaffa who had interrupted. Too soon it seemed, he returned to her. Steeling her resolve, readying for more physical attacks, her stomach fell when she saw him lift the hand device._

_Agony spread through her whole body, her blood felt like it was on fire, all her muscles contracting at once, every nerve ending screaming. Dimly she heard him talking, but she couldn't make out the words. Then suddenly, it was over._

She opened her eyes slowly, feeling a strange disconnect as she saw the walls of her quarters with his words still ringing in her ears. Still feeling hazy from the medication, she let the sounds run through her mind over and over trying to parse out the words in the pattern.

" _Your friends are near... little time... our advantage... you must do this for me..." Images of glyphs dancing through her brain._

She struggled to a sitting position and stumbled to her feet, hurrying to her desk. Her body was slow in reacting, still depressed by the narcotics. Pain coursed through her as she grabbed a pen and quickly scratched seven symbols onto a legal pad. Her breathing was labored and the marks on the paper were dancing in front of her eyes. Above it she saw she had scribbled 'Ugallu'. The pen fell from her shaking hand. She tore the sheet off the pad and held it momentarily, fighting the urge to rip it into pieces. Mustering all her will, she folded it and slipped it into her pocket. Staggering back from the desk, her breath coming in gasps, she fell to the floor, moaning, unable to push the pain away anymore.


	13. Chapter 13

Teal'c nodded to the SFs outside Sam's door as he knocked. When he received no answer, he looked back to the guards. "Please open the door." They looked at each other, uncertain of the protocol. "Dr. Fraiser has asked me to check on Major Carter's condition. Open the door now," he insisted. He was stretching the truth a bit, but it was assumed that he and Daniel Jackson were to keep tabs on their distressed teammate.

With a shrug, one of the men swiped his badge and keyed the security override code. SG-1 always held to their own rules, why should this be any different?

Teal'c nodded his appreciation and stepped into Sam's room. Almost immediately, he yelled back for them to alert Dr. Fraiser as he knelt by Sam's side where she lay on the floor. A quick check of her pulse assured him that she was still alive. By the time Janet arrived, he had covered her with a light blanket from the bed and was sitting next to her on the floor, talking and trying to rouse her.

The first thing she noticed as she gradually came back to consciousness was the hard floor beneath her. She opened her eyes and saw Teal'c's worried face. Then Janet's face came into view. "Sam, what happened?"

Sam sat up slowly, leaning on Teal'c and rubbing her head where it must have hit the floor. "I don't know. I was sleeping. I guess I got up too quickly. I just got dizzy." But the memory was muddled in her head. She found herself mentally trying to retrace her steps.

Janet did not look satisfied with Sam's explanation, but didn't push the issue. "All the same, I'd like you to come down to the infirmary for a complete checkup."

Sam suddenly remembered the gate address tucked into her pocket. "Janet," she burst out but couldn't seem to make herself say anything further.

"No arguments, Sam. You've had a lot of meds in the last few hours, not to mention the physical and emotional tolls today has taken on you."

Sam could feel the headache beginning to build again as she struggled to tell her friends about the new memory. All of a sudden, it just seemed easier to ignore it. With a soft sigh, she acquiesced. "Sure, Janet. Whatever you say."

Janet exchanged a quizzical look with Teal'c. Something was definitely off with Sam, but she couldn't tell if it was a new something or just after-effects from the hypnosis. She looked around the room as Teal'c helped Sam to standing. Nothing seemed amiss, other than a pen that had rolled onto the floor. Janet stooped to pick it up and placed it on the desk before following Sam and Teal'c out the door.

Sam submitted patiently to Janet's tests while Teal'c kept her company. She tried to talk to them about her dream from earlier, wanting to share it before it got lost in the haze that seemed to permeate her brain now. But each time, the pain would ramp up just a little more and the words would get lost in her throat. Halfway through the exam, she had already lost hold of what exactly she wanted to tell them.

Janet concluded the exam, noting that Sam's blood pressure had still not returned to normal, as well as an elevated body temperature, and decreased muscle elasticity. She and Teal'c both tried to follow up on the first few aborted attempts Sam made to talk to them, but it only seemed to cause greater distress. Feeling helpless, she allowed Teal'c to escort Sam back to her quarters.

The next couple of days passed by in a blurry fog for Sam. The folded paper was carefully kept hidden, forgotten for long periods of time. When it did surface in her memory, she tried to tell whoever was near about it, but each attempt was choked off and resulted in the already agonizing pain circulating around her body becoming even more excruciating. Janet, Daniel, Teal'c, even her guards: she couldn't force herself to turn it over to any of them. She thought sometimes that maybe she could tell Jack, if only he were there. But she couldn't seem to ask for him any more than she could tell them about the secret memory. She began to sequester herself in her room, venturing out only for visits to MacKenzie or Janet, only allowing visits from members of SG-1.

~SG1~

It was several days later when Janet, Jack, and Hammond all met again. Despite the weight in his chest, General Hammond tried to keep his tone businesslike as he shared the information that had come across his desk overnight. "The NID has worked faster than I anticipated. I just received the final transfer orders for Major Carter."

Jack's mind kicked into tactical mode even as he heard Fraiser's startled gasp and protest. "Sir, even if I had no other problems with turning Sam over, I have to lodge a medical protest. She is not well enough to travel. She has essentially stopped eating. Her blood pressure is elevated and her heart rate is erratic. I was already considering restricting her to the infirmary, trying to..." Her voice broke and she paused.

"Doctor?" the general prompted gently.

Janet made an empty gesture with her hands, her eyes wide, trying not to allow the tears into existence. She very carefully avoiding looking at the colonel as she said, "She's dying, General. I don't know why, but something happened the day we tried the hypnosis, and she's been going downhill, very quickly. Daniel said she's not even trying to talk to him and Teal'c anymore. I think she's given up." She swallowed. "The best I can do at this point is to try and make her comfortable."

Jack mentally shook his head. That wasn't possible. She hadn't given up when Ugallu had her physically, she wouldn't give up now. She was biding her time, waiting for something. Sam Carter didn't go down without a fight. He felt himself relax just a bit as he made his final decision.

Janet continued. "Transferring her now will only hasten her decline."

Hammond nodded. "Put it in writing, Doctor. I will get it to the President, but I really think it will only buy us a few hours at most."

She sighed. "Yes, Sir. I'd better get back to the infirmary. Sam's due for a checkup soon. I'll let her know."

Jack spoke up. "No, I'll tell her."

Hammond looked at his 2IC. "You don't have to do that, Jack. We can take care of it."

"No, Sir. I should be the one to tell her."

~SG1~

As Jack walked slowly to Carter's quarters, hoping to catch her before she saw Fraiser, the various contingency plans he had developed ran through his head. There was no way he would turn her over to the NID if she didn't want to go. Entrusting her to their custody had always been risky, but given her current condition, it was as good as a death sentence. Even being a virtual prisoner on a strange planet was preferable to what they would do to her; although if Fraiser was right, it wasn't going to be long either way.

He strode forward on autopilot, selecting the favorable plan given the timeline he now had. He had worked out how to cause the least amount of damage to SGC personnel, and their careers, while getting her through the gate. Then he'd have to procure a ship, fly them to a non-gate planet, disable the ship, and voila, no chance of her getting to Ugallu. He cursed himself for not having assembled supplies yet, but would be able to take a couple of hours to get what he could. Based on Fraiser's latest update, he added morphine to his mental list.

Now he just had to figure out how to propose it to her without the guards picking up on it. From what everyone had told him, she was distracted at best, already well on the way to incapacitated at worst. He wasn't sure that she would pick up subtle hints. He'd have to talk to her in private then, in her room.

He rounded the final corner and cursed to himself as he saw her already walking down the corridor with her escort , probably on her way to the infirmary. He called out for her to wait.

~SG1~

It seemed to take longer each morning for Sam to prepare herself to face the day. She no longer slept; instead she entered a state of consciousness where the nightmares were more vivid, less distinguishable from reality. It encroached upon her waking time more and more each day. When she was awake, every step, every breath was now tinged with pain.

She knew she was fading, and she almost welcomed the end. Maybe then her secrets would reveal themselves. She had one more gambit to try, if given the chance. As she braced herself against her door, willing herself to stop shaking before opening it to go see Janet, she realized that the chance may not materialize in time.

She had been taking advantage of the half-dreamlike state before she fell in her nightmares at night. At those points, her mind could wander where it would and she suffered little punishment. It had occurred to her the night before that it was in a similar state that she had been able to write the secret down: waking from a heavily drugged sleep, before she was fully aware of her actions. Perhaps distracting her conscious mind was the key. She sighed, opening the door. She doubted that Janet would give her another mega-dose of meds, so she needed to find another way to tell her secret. 'Her secret.' She scoffed internally; she even had to use euphemisms inside her own head now.

She nodded to the SFs waiting for her and started down the hallway, her fingers running nervously over the paper in her pocket. She pulled it out and was folding and unfolding it as they started walking slowly as she mentally ran through possible 'distractions' she could engineer. Pain probably wasn't going to work, given her current condition. Sleep obviously worked, but without being able to overtly ask anyone to stay with her, it would take sheer dumb luck for someone to be there when she was waking up.

Then she heard his voice from behind and felt a brief flare of hope as she stopped and turned. She could tell him; she had to tell him. This was what she had been waiting for. She suddenly realized that he had already drawn near and was talking to her, the words getting lost in a buzzing in her ears. She interrupted.

"I need to talk to you, Sir."

Her tone and the look in her eyes were so serious, so desperate, that he stopped talking immediately. When she didn't continue, he replied gently, "What is it, Carter?" She was nearly swaying on her feet and he moved a hand to support her.

She heard the warmth in his voice and took a deep breath. She closed her fingers tightly around her secret. "I have to give you..." she said in a rush, as the first shooting pain lanced through her brain. Jack saw the pain reflected in her eyes. "I... know..." She couldn't talk through the pain, she couldn't even lift arm to hold the secret out to him.

She had to do this, had to end this one way or another. Looking back up into his warm brown eyes, patient and worried and kind, she did the only thing she could think of. Distraction. With a quick step, she closed the distance between them and snaked a hand behind his neck, tilting his face slightly downward as she brought her lips to his.

At first, Jack was so stunned that he didn't react, but quickly became aware of the feelings overwhelming him underneath the very real confusion. For just a second or two, he allowed himself to enjoy the sensations of her pressed against him, of the heat between them. One of her hands was playing with his hair, the other tangling with his fingers at their side as she endeavored to deepen the kiss.

Jack suddenly came to his senses and pulled back abruptly, breathing heavily and willing himself under control. His thoughts were racing in circles. "Carter, that was unbelievably..." _Wonderful, amazing, bizarre, over the line._ "What the hell was that?"

She looked at him, dazed by both the kiss and the sudden abatement of her pain. The only thought she was conscious of was that the kiss had been so much better than she had ever imagined. She couldn't quite remember yet why she had done it.

As her hand slipped out of his, he became aware that he was holding something. He looked down to see the paper Carter had been playing with earlier in his hand. She must have passed it to him, while their hands had tangled together. Her eyes followed his and as she saw the paper, her expression changed from bewildered contentment to animalistic fury in an instant.

She swiped at the paper. "Give that to me," she snarled.

Jack took a step back, automatically thrusting the page into a pocket. She lunged toward him, scrabbling at his clothes. "Give it back, give it back," she kept saying, each repetition sounding less savage and more desperate. The pain began in the center of her brain and was rapidly expanding throughout her body. She sank to the corridor floor at his feet, no longer able to stand, curling into a ball as though she could protect herself from the onslaught of painful sensations.

Jack was on his knees immediately. "Carter?" he questioned as he tried to assess her condition.

"Sir," she whispered weakly. "Please, just make it stop."

He looked up at the SFs who were watching the situation uncertainly. "Get Fraiser and Hammond down here now!" He gathered Sam as close to him as he could, holding her tight against his chest, as she alternately quivered and went rigid with pain, trying not to voice the whimpers and moans.

It was just like in her memory, heat suffusing her body, every pain receptor in her brain on overload. As the pain continued increasing, she couldn't hold it in anymore and let out an agonizing scream that seemed to Jack to go on forever. He rocked her slowly back and forth, stroking her hair and face. "I'm here, Sam. I'm here." He looked at her eyes, glassy and unfocussed, and knew that she wasn't seeing him anymore.

It seemed an eternity before Janet was running down the hall with a medical team, followed a moment later by the general.

Janet immediately began examining Sam while questioning Jack. "When did this start?"

"Uh, right after she kissed me," he answered.

The general looked at him sharply. "Excuse me, Colonel?"

"No," he corrected himself, remembering the bizarre chain of events. "It was when she realized she had given me this." He pulled the paper out of his pocket.

Janet shook her head, unhappy with the responses she was getting from Sam. "I've got to get her to the infirmary now, Sirs. Let me know if that's anything I need to know about." The corpsmen lifted Sam onto a gurney and they headed quickly down the hall.

Jack tried to ignore the hint of panic he'd heard in the doctor's voice, as he slowly unfolded the paper and looked at it. Hammond waited a moment and then asked, "What is it, Colonel?"

He handed the paper over. "It's a gate address, General. I think she's trying to tell us where to find Ugallu."

Hammond looked at the note then back at Jack. "Go check on Major Carter. I will ask Teal'c and Dr. Jackson to meet us in the briefing room in twenty minutes."

~SG1~

The infirmary was quiet enough when Jack stepped in that he could hear Carter's muffled cries even before he saw her, eyes closed, pale and sweating, her body jerking occasionally as in a nightmare. Janet was standing by her bedside, injecting something into an IV. She looked up when she heard his footsteps and nodded to him. She finished up and walked away, motioning for him to follow her.

She looked smaller than normal, her jaw set firmly against the tears that seemed to be sitting in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "What did she give you? What triggered this?"

"A gate address. I think it might be where she was supposed to meet Ugallu."

Janet nodded, a small smile playing at her lips then quickly disappearing. "If anyone could do it, Sam could."

Jack looked over at Carter. "How bad is it, doc?"

Janet bit her lip and shook her head. "She hasn't been lucid since we brought her in. Obviously, she is in a great amount of pain. I'm trying the same mix of pain killers and sedatives that worked the other day, but so far I haven't seen a positive response."

Jack waited for the rest of the prognosis, the part where she laid out the possible solutions that she would be trying, but she was silent, looking at Sam. He shook his head, not wanting to admit he heard what she wasn't saying.

"Colonel, I suggest that we ask her father to come back. Soon."

"Right, Doc. Jacob." He looked at his watch. "I have to go meet with the general anyway. I'll make sure that we get a message to the Tok'ra."

She nodded. "I have to grab something from my office, Colonel. If you could stay with her for just a minute, I'll make sure that she's not alone after that." She squeezed his arm lightly and then retreated to her office, closing the door behind her.

He looked around, realizing that for once the infirmary was empty. The SFs were outside, the nurses were who knows where, and there were no other patients. _Subtle, Doc,_ he thought as he walked over to stand next to Sam. She was still twitching, her eyes and forehead tight, and he reached out to soothe the tension away. As he rested his hand on her cheek, she stilled slightly.

"You did good, Sam," he whispered. "Hang in there, please. We'll find something, we'll make him fix this."

Another wave of pain must have hit her and she jerked away from him, crying out loudly. He stood there until Janet appeared, then left without another word.


	14. Chapter 14

Jack walked into the briefing room to find the general, Daniel and Teal'c already seated, looks of concern apparent on his team's faces. Carter's note was laying on the center of the table. He took his seat next to Hammond.

The general addressed him. "I've brought Dr. Jackson and Teal'c up to speed on what I know of what happened. But first things first: how is Major Carter?"

They all looked at Jack. He sighed. "Dr. Fraiser asked that we get Jacob here as soon as possible. It's bad."

"How bad?" Teal'c questioned.

He couldn't bring himself to say the words; he didn't even want to think them. He went with a more circumspect answer. "You guys should go see her when we're finished here. She wasn't really conscious when I saw her, but I think she knew I was there." He looked at the others to make sure they were comprehending his unspoken message, then continued. "In the meantime, I think we need to talk about this note."

"It's a gate address." Typically, Daniel started with the most obvious fact. Jack bit back an impatient retort. "And it's Sam's writing. I would guess that this is where she is supposed to meet Ugallu to turn over the information."

The general nodded. "That's one possibility."

Daniel looked perplexed. "What's another?" he questioned.

"It could be a trap, Daniel," Jack explained.

"Sam wouldn't do that to us," Daniel protested.

Hammond looked at him sympathetically. "Dr. Jackson, you know as well as I do that she is not operating entirely of her own volition. This could just be a way of trying to damage our forces or send him more prisoners."

"I disagree," Teal'c interjected. They all turned to look at him. "Major Carter is a very strong woman. She would do everything in her considerable power to see that no harm ever comes to the members of SG-1 or to Stargate Command, even to her detriment."

Daniel took up the argument. "That's right. And General, her reaction when she gave Jack the gate address only supports the fact that she wasn't supposed to give it to us, like she's being punished somehow. I think it's real."

"I agree with Daniel and Teal'c, General. I say we put together a team and go in hard and fast. This may be our only opportunity."

"You don't think we should wait for a recon report, Colonel?"

"No, Sir. Not only would we risk tipping him off that we know his location, but we don't know how long he's going to be there, if he's even still there. Who knows when Carter was supposed to meet him? Every minute we delay, there's a greater chance we lose him. Not to mention that if we want to have any hope of finding something to help Carter, time is a very real factor."

"Understood. And if it is a trap, Colonel?"

Jack's lips thinned but he didn't respond.

The general took a deep breath and looked at his most trusted team. "I will take your arguments under advisement. I'll have an answer for you in one hour."

Jack stood as the general left the room, then he motioned for the other two to follow him and led them back to the infirmary. Sam was quieter now, laying still, the only sounds the quiet beeps from the monitor. Janet met them near the doorway.

"She looks like she's doing better," Jack noted hopefully, questioning the doctor.

Janet shook her head. "I'm afraid not, Sir. Nothing was working, so I started her on morphine. But according to her EEG, there's very little change in the amount of pain she's experiencing." She looked at the three men who all looked a little bit lost as they watched Sam slowly breathe in and out. As one, they moved to her bedside and settled in to wait out the next hour.

~SG1~

They returned to the briefing room at the end of the hour. Sgt. Harriman was waiting at the table while Daniel and Teal'c took their places. General Hammond invited Jack into his office before beginning the meeting.

Closing the door behind him, the general turned to look at Jack. He was well aware of feelings between SG-1's commander and his 2IC that went beyond an officially sanctioned relationship. However, he trusted absolutely in their abilities to conduct themselves in an honorable manner and had not seen any reason to break up his most successful gate team. Now, he just needed one question answered. Choosing his words carefully, he began to speak.

"Colonel, recent events have placed great stress on you. As Major Carter's CO, and as her friend, you are understandably angry and concerned about what has happened to her. I need to know that this is not coloring your judgement. You are advocating we undertake a a no-intel mission into what could possibly be an ambush."

Jack tried to interject. "Sir."

Hammond held up a hand. "Is this simply about revenge for you, Colonel?"

Jack thought for a minute then shook his head. "No, Sir. As long Carter and Ugallu are both alive, he presents a serious threat to this facility and ultimately, this planet. We need to remove that threat." He paused for a minute, then added dryly, "The opportunity for revenge is just a bonus."

"Very well. Let's start the meeting." The two walked out and took their seats.

Hammond began. "Gentlemen, are you all still in agreement that this is a likely location for Ugallu?" SG-1 nodded. "Walter, what can you tell us?"

The gate tech was slightly flummoxed with everyone watching him, but spoke steadily. "This gate address corresponds to P6S-845 in our dialing computer. It is one of the addresses loaded from the Abydos cartouche. The planet was determined to be uninhabited and unlikely to provide significant natural resources."

Jack asked, "Were there boots on the ground or was it all remote telemetry?"

"Remote, Colonel," Walter responded. "A MALP was sent through two years ago and found no signs of habitation within its operational perimeter, Sir. Data was sent back regarding the soil and air composition and the scientists deemed it not worth pursuing."

Jack looked at the general. "So, no real way to know if Ugallu's been dug in there for a while or if this is a temporary base."

"Based on our most recent intel from the Tok'ra, it is unlikely that they have any operatives or ships near enough to 845 to do a quick recon of the planet," Walter offered.

The general sighed. "Well then, Colonel, you will have to address that ambiguity in your mission plan. Walter can give you the list of available teams for support. We will hold a full mission briefing at 1500. Thank you, gentlemen."

~SG1~

1500 hours found members of 5 SG teams and medical personnel crowded into the briefing room. Jack looked at each person in the room, their resolve evidenced on their faces and was assured that he had made the right choices. The general entered and they got down to business.

Jack detailed the plan he had developed. A MALP would be sent through the gate first to ensure environmental suitability and assess the immediate threat in the vicinity of the gate. Because of their lack of intel at the location, Jack had drawn up several contingency plans, each of which was discussed thoroughly, stressing the importance of identifying and securing any possible escape routes open to Ugallu.

"If all else fails," he said, "we go with Plan C."

One of the newer members of SG-3, who hadn't worked with him previously, asked, "What's Plan C?"

He smirked. "I'll let you know when I figure it out." Some of the veteran gate travellers nodded and smiled faintly as they recalled past situations where O'Neill's on-the-spot plans had pulled their butts from the fire.

"But regardless of the layout, we'll be following the same basic strategy. Teal'c and I will go in first with Ferretti's and Rogers' teams. Reynolds and Matthews, you bring your squad immediately after. Griff's team will come through with Daniel to clean up."

Daniel immediately protested. "Jack, no. I want to be there. I want to go in with you guys."

Jack shook his head. "I am not thinking that Ugallu is just going to tell us what we need to know to help Carter. Daniel, I need you looking for anything that could tell us what he did to her. To do that, you're going to need peace, quiet, and relative safety."

Daniel took a deep breath, realizing the practicality of Jack's directive, despite his desire to take a more active role. "Okay, I can do that."

They continued discussing possibilities and probabilities of the assault. Jack looked down into the gate room when an incoming wormhole was established to see Jacob come through. He was met by Sgt. Harriman and escorted to the infirmary. It was another couple of hours before Jack adjourned the meeting, setting an embarkation time of 0600.

He immediately headed down to the infirmary himself to find Jacob sitting next to Sam's bed holding her hand. He froze, the look on the older man's face hitting a little too close to home. Jack supposed that age didn't matter much; no parent should ever have to watch their child die. After he had steadied his emotions, he took a few steps closer to the pair.

"Any change?" Jack asked.

Jacob shook his head. "Not since I got here. Dr. Fraiser says it's probably the best we can hope for right now. When she gets worse, it's going to go quickly." He couldn't take his eyes from his daughter's face, so beautiful to him even nearly emaciated and drawn tight with pain. He could see their whole history every time he looked at her: the bright-eyed little girl looking through her first telescope, the determined teenager defending her very advanced science fair project as her own work to a panel of sceptical judges, the proud Academy graduate, and the brilliant, accomplished officer working to secure the safety of Earth in a dangerous galaxy. He found it hard to believe that her story might be coming to a close and gripped her hand a little tighter as if he could anchor her to him.

"Actually, Jack, it looks like it will be a long night for me here. You mind sitting with her while I go grab a quick bite to eat?"

Jacob excused himself and Jack took a seat, leaning his arms gently on the edge of the bed. "Come on, Sam. You've got to pull through this. Just hang in there a little while longer." He slipped his hand over hers, lifting it up to brush his lips across her knuckles before letting their hands rest on the bed. "Plus, you've got to wake up and tell me what the hell that kiss earlier was all about." He smiled gently as he remembered the way she had felt, selfishly glad that they had gotten to experience that one last time, if this was truly the end.

He lapsed into silence for a time before he heard footsteps from the doorway. Assuming it was Jacob returning, he was momentarily stunned when he looked up to see Colonel Frank Simmons standing a few feet away. He let go of Sam's hand, pushed the buzzer to alert the doctor, and rose to his feet to stand protectively between the smarmy NID officer and his 2IC. Behind Simmons, he saw Fraiser exit her office then pop back in when she saw their unwanted guest.

"What do you want, Simmons?" Jack began.

Simmons looked around the infirmary as if it were of great interest, finally resting his gaze on what he could see of Sam around O'Neill's still form. Dr. Fraiser appeared from behind him and stood next to O'Neill, staring defiantly. "Well, I was already on my way when the paperwork came through regarding Dr. Fraiser's medical protest of Major Carter's reassignment. Since I was out here anyway, I thought I'd drop by and make sure that everything was, shall we say, as represented?"

Janet stood up even straighter at the affront to her integrity but kept her voice level and calm. "I can assure you, Colonel Simmons, that there is no way to safely move Major Carter at this time."

"Perhaps I could talk to her?" he asked. "I've come all this way."

"She is not responsive at this point," Janet replied.

Simmons opened the folder he was carrying with him. "Yes, I see you have her on a rather significant regimen of morphine." Jack ground his teeth. He shouldn't be surprised that Simmons had the current medical file, but it still ate at him. "Maybe if you stopped doping her up, she might be a little more communicative."

"I'm sorry, but as her doctor, my responsibility is to her, not to whatever investigation you are purporting to conduct. To withdraw pain management at this time would likely lead to Major Carter going into severe shock resulting in death. I doubt even you could get any useful information in the few minutes you might have."

Jack felt an involuntary grin flash across his face as he saw General Hammond enter the room, nearly red with anger. "Colonel Simmons," the general nearly roared.

For his part, Simmons merely raised his eyebrows as he half turned to the acknowledge Hammond. "General Hammond, it's wonderful to see you again."

"You are aware, are you not, Colonel Simmons, that _all_ visiting personnel are required to check in with the base commander before pursuing any official business?"

"Ah, an oversight on my part, General."

Hammond looked back at the airmen he had brought with him. "Please escort the colonel out of the infirmary. The major needs her rest."

"General, I would like to request that I be allowed to stay in the VIP quarters here on base. I'd like to be around in case Dr. Fraiser pulls off another one of her medical miracles."

Hammond stared at him for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of getting into a pissing match with Simmons off at this point. He nodded at the airmen. "Very well, escort him to the VIP quarters. Make sure someone is nearby at all times in case the colonel needs anything." After Simmons and his escorts had exited, Hammond spoke to the SFs standing near the door 'guarding' Sam. "Your orders now include making sure that no one leaves this room with Major Carter without my express authorization. I don't even want her out of your sight unless she is with myself, Dr. Fraiser, her father, or members of SG-1. No exceptions." They nodded their understanding.

Hammond looked wearily back to his 2IC and CMO. "All right, people. We have a big day tomorrow. Let's get some rest."


	15. Chapter 15

Jack stood silently among the several dozen personnel geared up and milling around anxiously focusing on the MALP disappearing through the event horizon. As soon as it was out of sight, he shifted his gaze back and up to where Hammond was waiting to evaluate the incoming data.

After waiting an eternity in the space of a minute, he saw Hammond reach for the mike and his voice echoed out of the speakers. "Colonel, all data reads normal. There are two Jaffa visible in the immediate vicinity. You have a go. God speed."

Jack nodded his thanks to the general and then turned back to the gate. "Everyone ready?" he asked the team commanders standing near him, along with Teal'c and Daniel.

"Yes, Sir," came the immediate response.

He started up the ramp. "Then let's go."

~SG1~

Daniel paced restlessly in front of the gate, narrowly avoiding the equipment that the techs had set up to monitor activity in the atmosphere, looking for any sign that Ugallu or his Jaffa may be making a break for it. They had all come through the gate nearly two hours ago. The first teams through had made short work of the waiting Jaffa. Twenty minutes of scouting found the direction they wanted to head and Jack had led the combat teams off at a fast pace. About half an hour later, Ferretti had radioed a request for medical assistance and the medical team had followed. Since then, there had been no contact. Now, it was just Daniel, Griff's team, and the techs waiting.

"No news is good news." He kept muttering to himself as he walked back and forth. No news from the base meant Sam was still okay. He was less sanguine about no news from the other teams, but nobody had been rushed back through the gate for medical attention so far, so he walked and waited. He understood why Jack had held him back, but it was frustratingly nerve-wracking not to know what was going on.

Daniel froze mid-step the instant he heard Griff's radio spark to life. Reynolds was requesting that Griff move his team up to the encampment. They were all ready to go; a 20-minute hike and they could see the structure. Daniel's eyes swept the wounded being treated outside the temporary fortification and was relieved not to see Jack or Teal'c anywhere. A glance at the medic's faces confirmed that no one was in critical condition.

A few minutes after they arrived, Reynolds approached to update them. "You guys can go ahead and move in. We've got the fighting contained to the far northeast corner, but it's pretty much over."

"Is Ugallu here?" Daniel asked anxiously.

Reynolds nodded sharply. "Yeah, he's here. He's down to just a few loyal Jaffa. We'll get him."

Reynolds headed back in and Captain Griff turned to look at Daniel. "Well, it's pretty much your show now. Where should we look?"

Daniel sighed as he looked at the building. "Let's see if we can find his throne room."

Griff looked doubtful. The building was rather run-down by goa'uld standards. "A throne room?"

Daniel nodded. "Yeah, from what Sam told me, this guy is megalomaniacal enough that he would require one wherever he is. We'll probably find it somewhere near the center of the building." They started moving toward the entrance while Daniel spoke. "And keep an eye out for anything with writing: walls, parchment, anything."

Already entranced with the design motif on the doorway, Daniel was only vaguely aware of Griff adding his own instructions to the team. The captain rolled his eyes as Daniel rushed around a corner alone and he added, "And Colonel O'Neill will have my ass if anything happens to the good doctor, so please, keep him in sight at all times!"

Daniel's eyes scanned the walls and doorways, looking for anything to indicate significance or designate purpose. Fortunately, the complex was not overly large and it wasn't long before he led them into what must serve as the throne room. It was nearly completely empty, housing only a throne, a small scribe's desk and chair, and several ornate wall tapestries.

Daniel started examining the few furnishings. Nothing on the throne, no obvious significance to the tapestries, he focused on the desk. It was really more of a table, lacking drawers, but the ink stains indicating recent use gave him a flare of hope.

"See if there are any rooms off this one," he instructed. "Check under the tapestries, there may be a hidden doorway."

It didn't take long to discover a small, unfinished door leading into a separate room, containing a divan and several bookcases filled with volumes of various sizes. One book lay on the couch and Daniel picked it up, opening to a random page. It was handwritten in goa'uld. As he perused the content and saw Sam's name, he grew more excited. "This is it!"

His stomach churned as he continued skimming the page, as the connection between what he was reading and what had happened to Sam synched up in his mind. The sadistic bastard had written it all down; he was reading lurid accounts of the torture Ugallu had inflicted on her. He flipped back to the first page of the book; this volume started when Sam had already been his prisoner for some time apparently. They'd have to find the one that came before this. Looking at the hundreds of volumes to choose from, he winced. "We need to take all of these back to the SGC. And I need to talk to Jack as soon as possible."

"We just got the all clear. I can take you over there now," Griff answered.

As they headed through the hallways, Daniel began to notice the signs of battle: abandoned weapons, bloodstains on the floor and walls, and the occasional dead Jaffa. He heard Teal'c's voice and looked in a room as they passed. Teal'c was giving the Jaffa Rebellion recruitment speech to a number of disarmed Jaffa. _There's one safe,_ Daniel thought.

Finally, they rounded a corner. _And here's two_ , he thought as he saw Jack standing next to a tall, overdressed goa'uld, his hand tightened like a vice around the other's upper arm. Ugallu had been stripped of his hand device and pretty much everything else except his clothing and his hands were restrained behind his back.

Buoyed by relief that both his teammates had survived in one piece and anticipation that he might have the answers they needed in his hand, he called out, "Jack! I think this is it." He held up the book.

Beneath his hand, Jack could feel the Ugallu's tension increase. _Looks like Daniel might be on to something_ , he smirked inwardly. But the goa'uld's face when Jack looked back at him was shining with a malicious excitement.

"Jack," he repeated delightedly, his voice causing a chill along Jack's skin. He smiled widely as he eyed the colonel. "You are the colonel!"

Jack stood still for a moment, trying not to give any reaction. He tugged Ugallu's arm, trying to propel him onward, but the goa'uld seemed oblivious of Jack's intentions. Instead, he locked eyes with Jack as he spoke.

"She called for you, you know. When I had tortured her to near oblivion, when she was senseless with the pain. I would be surprised if she even remembered her own name then, but she would scream for you to come help her." He laughed lightly. "But you were a little late, weren't you?"

Jack swallowed back his retort, not wanting to give this snakehead the pleasure of knowing he was getting to him. From Carter's report, he knew that Ugallu found almost as much enjoyment in headgames as physical torture.

Ugallu continued to press. "There were some times when she didn't call for you, however. When I was on top of her, for instance." He assumed a thoughtful look. "I wonder what that could mean, Jack?"

Jack very slowly looked around the room. Everyone within earshot had found something very interesting catching their attention in another direction. _Selective deafness,_ he thought. _Smart move_. He stepped into Ugallu, backing him against the wall and spoke very softly.

"She already told me everything you did to her. You can't shock me, but you can piss me off, which will find you returning to Earth very, very damaged."

Ugallu smiled at the threat, unperturbed. "I'm sure she told everything... that she remembers." He took a deep breath as a look of remembered ecstasy crossed his face. "She is quite beautiful when she's unconscious, as I'm sure you know, Jack. If you're here, if she somehow managed to tell you where to find me, then she must be doing very poorly." He looked intently at Jack. "Unless she's already dead," he added with a grin.

Jack dragged the goa'uld away from the wall with a jerk and began striding from the room, pulling Ugallu with him. "Nope, not dead. She's just fine, actually. And now that we have you, we can put this whole little incident behind us."

Ugallu smiled as Jack's reaction confirmed his suspicions. The Tau'ri woman was dead or dying. It was a shame, he had hoped to have her back one day. There were so many games he had left to play with her. He was so wrapped up in his imagined torture, that he found himself yanked backward as tried to continue walking when Jack stopped abruptly in the hallway.

"Teal'c!" Jack called. Teal'c appeared in the doorway nearest them. "How's it going with the recruitment?"

"I am reasonably certain that most of these Jaffa will be most loyal assets to our cause."

"Good, great. Why don't you take a team and lead them to the gate? You can send them to Bra'tac and take this guy back to the SGC for me. I'll stay and supervise the cleanup."

Teal'c observed O'Neill's face, finding him to be on the edge of what he had heard termed 'a spectacular meltdown.' He nodded. "I will see you back on Earth, O'Neill." Taking Ugallu's arm roughly, he called to Ferretti who had followed Jack down the hallway. "Major, I require your assistance in transporting this captive."

~SG1~

Jack went back to find Daniel, wincing as the adrenaline in his system started to dissipate and the bumps and bruises of the battle started to make themselves known. He had been lucky enough not to take any weapons fire, but several hand-to-hand engagements had left him with several strained muscles and what felt a cracked rib, but if he was lucky, was just a bruise.

He entered the room, trying to shake off both the growing pain and the emotional guilt and turmoil that Ugallu's taunts had provoked. He stopped for a quick word with Reynolds to make sure that the final sweep of the place was proceeding, then turned to the archaeologist. He was leaning against the wall, flipping pages, rapidly scanning the text, and then flipping again. Jack thought he looked a little tense.

He slumped against the wall next to Daniel. "Well, I hope you really do have something there, because there's no way in hell that guy is going to do anything to help us."

Daniel closed the book with a sigh. Not quite looking at Jack, he answered, "If there's an answer, it's going to be in here, or the one before or after this one. Ugallu's personal diaries," he added for clarity.

Noticing the way Daniel was fidgeting and biting at his lip worried Jack. "So what's wrong, Daniel? Something's bugging you."

Daniel half-shrugged. "It's just... Sam hasn't really shared a lot of details with me about what happened. I mean, I could make some assumptions, but I never knew anything for sure. This," he gestured to the book he was holding, feeling sick as he tried to ignore the images already floating through his mind. "This is extremely detailed, graphic... and I just... God, what's Sam going to think when she finds out I've read this?"

"If it does the trick, she's going to think, 'Hey, I'm awake and alive.'" He waited until Daniel looked directly at him. He hated having to ask him to do this. "Daniel, she needs you to do this. I'm guessing that there aren't too many people back at the base who are going to be able to read this." Daniel nodded. "And really, do you want this read by someone else?"

"No," he answered, resigned to the fact that he would have to do this. Jack was right, it was better to keep the details of Sam's ordeal 'in the family' as it were.

Jack saw the reluctant acquiescence on Daniel's face. Something he had said a minute ago nagged at Jack. "Wait, where are the other two books you're talking about?"

"I assume they're in the library where I found this one. He was apparently re-reading this one, so it was already out," Daniel said with distaste. "But this one starts when she's already been with him for a while and she's still here at the end." He pulled a notebook from a pocket. Looking at the spine of the book he held, he quickly scribbled some symbols onto a sheet of paper and handed it to Jack. "The library's off the throne room. I asked Griff to have someone bring the books from there back to the SGC. But these are the two I really need. Go and look for books with these symbols on the bindings. They should be the ones immediately before and after this one in sequence. I'm going back to the SGC to start reading."

~SG1~

After Jack saw the last of the teams return to base, was satisfied by Fraiser that no one sustained life-threatening injuries, and had a quick verbal debrief with the general, he found his way down to Daniel's lab. Teal'c stood quietly inside the doorway, ensuring no unnecessary interruptions and providing a sounding board when Daniel needed one. Daniel was hunched over the three journals, the one he had found and the two Jack had tracked down and sent back through the gate earlier. He scribbled notes in a notebook as he read through the pages.

Jack nodded to Teal'c as he entered and closed the door behind him. "Anything?" he asked.

Daniel answered distractedly from his desk. "Nothing yet. And if I've done the date conversion correctly, I'm almost up to when we rescued her. Dammit," he sighed with discouragement and turned another page.

Jack blew out a breath. That just made some of his news seem even worse. "Well, I was just talking with General Hammond. The Tok'ra have submitted a formal request to take custody of Ugallu. They're sending Anise and some diplomats to hash out the details."

"What is opinion on the matter, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

"I think they're probably the best equipped to deal with him appropriately. I don't relish the idea of a goa'uld here on Earth for any reason." He looked over at Daniel who was nodding as he skimmed the pages. He had perfected the art of listening with one ear while working on his own projects. He would speak up if he had anything to say.

"Hammond also showed me the latest report from Dr. Fraiser. She estimates that Carter has less than a day before the physical strain becomes too much." He felt Daniel hesitate for a second before deciding not to say anything. "I'm not going to say something stupid like 'read faster' because I already know you're doing everything you can. I just thought you should know." He shrugged and headed back for the door. "I'm going to go sit in on the Tok'ra meeting. Maybe I can pick their brains about what's happening."

Jack hadn't gotten 100 feet down the hallway before he heard Daniel's shouting. "Jack! Come back."

Teal'c's deeper voice joined in as he stuck his head out the door. "O'Neill. Please return."

Jack veered around and ran back into the lab. Daniel was on his feet, but still bent over the journal. "This is it. He did it right before he left her there."

After waiting for a minute only to find Daniel re-reading the pages in question several times, Jack impatiently asked, "How do we reverse it?"

Daniel finally looked up. "I'm not sure."

"Not what I want to hear, Daniel."

"Get Jacob and Janet to come meet with us. I need their input. Hey, did you say Anise was here? Grab her too. I'll throw together a quick translation and meet you in the briefing room in half an hour."

~SG1~

Daniel had just finished summarizing the relevant passages describing how Ugallu had used the connection established by the hand device to plant subliminal conditioning suggestions in Sam's mind. Anise looked sceptical.

"I do not know that this is possible," she remarked.

"Well, I do," Daniel responded. "Sha're was able to talk to me while Amaunet was using the device. I have no doubt that this is how he brainwashed Sam. My question to you two is can you reverse it?" He addressed both Anise and Jacob.

Selmak replied. "The Tok'ra have never used any technique such as this. Any attempt we make would be untested and most likely fail."

Janet cleared her throat. "I'm sorry to say this, but this is Sam's last chance. I really don't think you can make it any worse. And there is absolutely nothing I can do for her, especially not when we know for sure that this is purely mental conditioning."

Anise still looked like she wanted to protest, but Selmak replied first, bowing to Jacbob's wishes. "Very well. Anise and I will discuss the best way to perform this procedure. We will let you know as soon as we are ready."


	16. Chapter 16

Sam had been moved back to the isolation lab. Janet and a medical team hovered nearby as Anise approached the bed. Over Jacob's protests, it had been determined that Anise was the best choice to attempt the de-conditioning, being less likely to be distracted by the pain it would likely cause Sam. Jacob and Jack stood just far enough from Sam's bed to be out of the way of both Anise and Janet.

Jack was quiet, as he had been most of the last couple of hours. Following their earlier meeting, he had gone to the infirmary to check on Carter. Janet had been happy to patch him up as he sat watching his 2IC. She diagnosed bruised ribs, several lacerations, and multiple muscle strains. She had recommended a long soak in the whirlpool, which she knew he had no intention of leaving to do, and given him pain pills which she knew he would not take until after the issue with Sam's condition was resolved. He had stayed in the infirmary, watching Sam in her own private hell, waiting for Jacob and Anise to come up with an answer.

During that time, Jack had tried to make his peace with the probable outcomes. He knew that the chances of this working were low, but he just couldn't seem to make himself say goodbye. He wouldn't give up on her, no matter how bleak the outlook.

Jacob looked around the isolation room and then up at the observation booth where Daniel and Teal'c both waited with Hammond. "That NID creep isn't here?" he questioned Jack, bringing him out of his reverie. "I would have expected him to be drooling over this whole thing."

Jack scoffed, not taking his eyes from Carter and Anise. "Nah, he's playing "Interrogator" with Ugly. Thinks he's going to get some information before we turn him over to you guys." They watched Anise slip the ribbon device onto her hand and begin adjusting it. "Just to be clear, we absolutely have to use that thing? We can't use the healing one?"

Jacob shook his head. "I wish we could, but we believe that the hand device creates a stronger neurological connection. Again, if we had time to test these theories, maybe we could..."

"I know," Jack replied.

Anise looked over at Janet. "I believe this will be more effective if you discontinue her medications. I may need her help once I've established a connection. It would be best if she were as alert as possible."

Janet looked up to the observation booth. The general nodded. She stopped the morphine drip. Almost instantly, Sam's heartbeat increased and her body contorted in minor spasms. "Whatever you're doing, Anise, you need to do it now," Janet said tersely.

Anise slowly raised her right hand, outfitted with the ribbon device. A look of distaste crossed her face as she closed her eyes. The stone glowed and a beam of light extended between her hand and Sam. The room was filled with a tense silence as the observers fought their instincts to rescue Sam when she reacted to the pain of the device.

Several minutes passed. Anise's face was taut with concentration, Sam's with pain. Finally, Anise stopped the device and lowered her hand. She looked at Jacob with pity. "There's nothing we can do. It won't work."

"What?" Jack exclaimed. "You can't just give up." He was mentally kicking himself for having trusted Anise with something this important.

Janet quickly moved back in to adjust Sam's medication levels but stopped when Jacob spoke. "No, we won't give up." He walked up to Anise and held out his hand. "Give it to me."

She sighed as she removed the apparatus and handed it over to Jacob, her thoughts that he was grasping at straws obvious to everyone. She stepped away from the center of the room, standing opposite Jack.

The room quieted again as Jacob turned control over to Selmak who engaged the ribbon device. Even at the low intensity they were using, the effects were painful, and Jack clenched his fists with the effort of not interfering as Carter weakly tried to turn her face away from the beam. Selmak had thankfully closed Jacob's eyes to minimize his reaction.

Jacob could feel the device's energy flowing but was uncertain of what to do next. He called out, "Sam? Samantha?" and had no idea whether it was just in his head or if he had spoken out loud. He thought he could hear her, as if from a distance, but it could have just been wishful thinking. Deciding that he was wasting time just standing around, he opted to try some of that new-age-y visualization crap Mark's wife was raving about on his last trip to San Diego. He had to access Sam's consciousness somehow... he imagined himself taking a step forward, then another.

As he did, it seemed that a bridge was unfolding before him in a grey mist. He followed it and was now certain it was Sam he was hearing, screams and cries that would have broken his heart if he hadn't been so focused on his mission. The 'bridge' disappeared and he realized that he must be on Sam's side of the connection; at least he hoped so. The mist slowly resolved itself into a soft grey ground, furrowed and pulsing. He raised his eyebrows. Was he in her brain? Shrugging, he decided that made sense, but he had no idea where to go from here.

He called out again. "Samantha, can you hear me?" He thought he heard a pause in the pained sounds surrounding him, and a feeling of confusion pulsed through the air. "Sam, it's Dad. We're here to help you. You've just got to hang on a bit longer, kiddo. And maybe point me in the right direction. You know I never thought too much about psychology."

This time there was a definite pause and he could swear he saw a brief light to his right. It was quickly extinguished as he heard her groan of pain escalate into a guttural scream. "Shit," he whispered. Of course, Ugallu's suggestions were still trying to protect themselves. "I'm coming. Just hang on."

He headed off toward where he had seen the spark of light, following imaginary neuronal pathways. After a while (it seemed his sense of time was completely fubared in this environment), he saw something running alongside him. As he focused on it, it became recognizable as a black vine, sharp with barbs and vibrating with some sort of energy. "That doesn't belong here," he muttered and reached out to try to pull it away, but the barbs snagged and pulled at the surrounding ground ( _Sam's brain_ , he reminded himself) and he let it lie for the time being.

Satisfied he was on the right track, and concerned at the amount of time he had already spent, he quickly followed the vine through the grey mass until suddenly he found himself facing a large, black mass. Nearly a dozen viny tendrils were emanating from it in all directions. He already knew he couldn't pull them back, but he had to find a way to get rid of them.

With a thought that he hoped no one ever found out he was doing this, he stuck with the visualization and found himself holding a bottle of weedkiller. He applied copious amounts to the vine he had followed to this spot and saw it immediately turn brittle and start to crumble. He followed the disintegration with his eyes as it ran down the length of the vine away from him. He quickly and carefully repeated the procedure with each of the other offshoots. He noticed that Sam's screams quieted a little more as each 'vine' died. As he came back around to the original spot, he could already see more sprouts trying to push out. He faced the mass and concentrated all of his and Selmak's wills on destroying the poisonous thoughts.

He was fighting extreme fatigue by the time he finally saw it crumple in on itself, folding over and over until it had completely disappeared. It was almost completely quiet now, soft whimpers echoing faintly in the air. Around him, he felt a wave of gratitude. He smiled.

"We did it, Sammy. You're safe now."

" _I love you, Dad."_ The words rang weakly in his ears as he felt Selmak pulling him back into his own consciousness. A wave of weakness overcame him as he opened his eyes, having poured all of their combined energy into dismantling Ugallu's conditioning. He stumbled back, stopping when his legs hit the edge of chair that a nurse was trying to guide him into.

Breathing heavily, he looked up at his daughter and paled. Janet was hovering over her, performing chest compressions. He felt someone next to him and looked over to see Jack.

"Did it work?" the colonel asked him.

Jacob shook his head wearily. "I thought so." He looked back over to the medical team scurrying around the gurney. "How long?"

Jack voice was dull as he responded slowly. "About 15 minutes that you were... doing your thing. Her heart stopped maybe a minute ago."

Together they watched as the medical staff went about their tasks. Each second Jack expected to hear Janet call it. Feeling his mask slipping more with each passing second, he dropped his head, studying the floor intently.

Then he heard it. Just one beep and it seemed that everyone in the room stopped. He lifted his head to see Janet frozen in place, her expression torn between disbelief and a desperate hopefulness. He switched his focus to the monitor where the small blip was already moving off the screen. Then a series of waves replaced the flat line, a not-quite-rhythmic beeping filling the room, eventually settling into a steady pattern.

Janet began a head-to-toe check of her patient. Jacob and Jack were practically buzzing with the tension of physically keeping themselves out of her way. Finally, a relieved Janet turned to face them and the observation booth.

"She's asleep. Just regular sleep." She held up a hand. "A state which I'd like her to maintain for as long as possible. She has a lot of recovering to do. I'm sure you all have some sort of debriefing to do and I know that some of you have some recuperation of your own to do." Her eyes pointedly rested on Jack. "I'll move Sam to the infirmary soon and you can sit with her, one at a time. General Hammond, I'll keep you apprised of her condition."

Jacob summoned enough energy to walk steadily to the gurney and brush a kiss across Sam's forehead before leaving. As much as Jack wanted to at least touch her, he didn't think it was a smart move in plain view of Hammond. Settling for a long look at her face, relaxed and peaceful, as he followed Jacob out of the room.

~SG1~

It was quiet. Sam could hear normal infirmary noises and slowly opened her eyes. The lights were dimmed. It must be night. She did a quick physical assessment, starting at her head and working down to her toes: no casts, no bandages, no acute pain. There was an IV set up and she ached all over. The curtains were pulled around her bed for privacy. She searched her memory, trying to figure out how she got here. There was something about her dad...

It wasn't the first time she had woken in the infirmary with no immediate memory of how she got there, so she just settled back and let her mind wander. Sure enough, her memory started filling in the last couple of months quickly enough, so that by the time Janet peeked her head through the curtains, Sam thought she had all of it except for how exactly she had ended up in here, and why she felt so different.

Janet's smile when she saw Sam awake let her know that it had been a pretty close call, whatever had happened.

Janet poured Sam a small cup of water as she spoke. "You are a sight for sore eyes. You really gave us a scare. How are you feeling?"

Sam sipped the water before trying to speak. "Just a little achy. A lot achy," she corrected herself. "Thanks for whatever you did. I'm a little fuzzy on the details still," she admitted.

She looked up as Janet shined a penlight in her eyes, then held her wrist to take her pulse. "You will be achy for a while. Your body went through some pretty rough stuff."

The nagging sensation that had been simmering under the slowly building memories suddenly coalesced into a piercing, urgent awareness.

"Janet," she gasped, looking down and realizing she was in the standard hospital gown and her clothes were nowhere in sight. "In my pocket, there was a gate address. You have to find it, get to the colonel or General Hammond. I think it's Ugallu's location." As the words spilled out, she began mentally bracing for the onslaught of pain that was sure to follow.

Janet put a gentle hand on her shoulder as she struggled to sit up. "Calm down, Sam. You already gave it to us. Yesterday morning, actually. They went through the gate this morning."

Sam bit her lip in a mixture of confusion and apprehension. "What happened? Is everyone okay?" She paused. "And why don't I feel any pain?"

Sam's nervous concern started slipping away as she took in the easy-going attitude of her friend as Janet pulled up a chair and sat down next to the bed. "You don't feel any pain because your father was able to reverse the conditioning Ugallu had subjected you to. Colonel O'Neill led several teams through to the address you provided. They apprehended Ugallu with minimal resistance, as I understand it. Daniel went in with a team behind them and found what we needed to figure out how to undo what the goa'uld had done to you.

"Everyone on our teams survived. In fact, most of them are safe in their own beds right now. There are two airmen and a marine staying here tonight, as well as," Janet smirked as she pulled the curtain behind toward the wall. There was Jack, apparently passed out, on the next bed.

Sam was having trouble making sense of what she was seeing. He was in BDUs, not a hospital gown, and Janet was obviously quite amused, but seeing him unconscious in the infirmary sent sparks of alarm all though her.

"What's wrong with him?"

Janet shook her head. "Bruised ribs," she replied, dryly. She had never thought she would see the day when Jack O'Neill voluntarily stayed in the infirmary in patient status. Sam still looked confused.

"I know. It's unprecedented. I gave him pain medication, which he pocketed until after we did your procedure. Afterwards, I wanted you to get some rest, so I said only one person could visit you at a time. Since your dad was here until just a little while ago, the colonel was spending a lot of time pacing in the hallway while your dad sat with you. I guess he got tired of it.

"So, he came stomping in, popped the pain pills, and insisted that he needed medical supervision while under the influence. Truthfully, I'm just happy he's finally getting some rest. The last couple of days have been really hard on him too."

All of a sudden the last pieces of her memory rushed in, hitting Sam like a ton of bricks. "Oh my god, I kissed him!" Her mind was filled with a cacophony of images and feelings: the feel of pressing up against the length of his body; the urgency of sharing the gate address; his lips and tongue, responding for the smallest moment to hers; the knowledge that these were her last moments. She couldn't even look at him.

Janet's eyes sparkled as she nodded seriously. "Yes, so I heard." Seeing the absolute mortification in her friend's face, she took pity. "Sam, most of what you did in the past few weeks, including the kiss, is being written up as alien-influenced behavior. You don't need to worry about any disciplinary action."

"Well, that's... good," Sam replied quietly. Of course, she was worried about that, but the question foremost in her mind was how the colonel would view it. They had worked so hard for so long to 'keep it in the room,' and even then, it felt like some days they were just barely coping. What would happen now?

She realized Janet was still talking, moving on to lighter topics, trying to put Sam at ease. Pulling herself back to the present, she chatted with Janet for a while.

Once Sam looked relatively relaxed again, Janet excused herself to update the general before she left for the night. With a smile and a gentle hug, she headed back to her office, leaving the curtain between Jack and Sam still open.

Sam looked at his still form, his chest moving slowly with each breath. She had realized a few minutes earlier that he was actually awake. After waiting a minute to see if he would stop the charade, she finally spoke. "You can open your eyes, Sir. She's gone."

His eyes stayed shut, but the ghost of a smile played at the corners of his mouth.

"Colonel!" she chided.

He cracked one eye open as his grin grew. His first glimpse of her, her head turned toward him on its pillow, her expression tired but amused, almost took his breath away. He'd always thought Carter was gorgeous. But after all that had happened, after being sure he had lost her, to see her looking at him with that familiar mix of fondness and exasperation... he had to take another second before he trusted himself enough to open both eyes and sit up to talk to her.

"How are you doing, Carter?" He rubbed the sleep from his face as he talked.

"A lot better, Sir. I hear you had a lot to do with that."

He waved a hand through the air. "Ah, I just did what I do. It was really Daniel and your dad who did the heavy lifting."

"Janet mentioned something like that. What exactly did Daniel find?" The scientist in her was excited by the idea of new knowledge, even though the rest of her wasn't quite sure she wanted to know.

Jack looked at her closely trying to gauge her emotional state. She looked good. Tired, of course, but that was to be expected. The bit of conversation he had overheard with Janet had been relaxed and easy-going. No reason he could see not to go ahead and answer her questions.

"Well, it turns out that Ugallu wrote everything down. Daniel found the journals."

"He wrote..." she began to repeat his words, but her mind was already spinning into itself. She felt frozen as the memories echoed: Ugallu's voice narrating his actions, each touch, each movement, as she waited helpless before him; his reaction to his own words only appearing to heighten his pleasure. Those days, he could work himself into such a state that her only escape was losing consciousness or hiding so deeply inside herself she feared she might never emerge. She could only imagine what he had written, what lurid words and provocative images he would have wanted to capture for his future enjoyment.

"Carter?" Jack said sharply.

She jumped slightly, but his voice gave her something around which to re-orient herself. She shook her head, trying to clear it. "Sorry, Sir. I was just thinking. Remembering. It all seems different now; more intense, fresher. Maybe all that stuff he left in my head, I don't know, muted it somehow." She smiled weakly. "I'm okay, I think."

Jack was unconvinced, but not willing to push it right now. He heartily believed in the value of some healthy denial, if for no other reason than it would let her choose the time and place to start to deal with everything.

When he stayed silent, she continued. "So Daniel found the answer," she prompted.

Jack nodded. "He reviewed the journals and found Ugly's description of how he did it. It was enough that your dad and Anise were able to figure out how to reverse it."

"I think I remember my dad talking to me, telling me that everything would be all right. I thought it was a dream."

"What about before that?" Jack asked, trying to maintain his casual demeanor. _God, don't let her remember the pain,_ he prayed.

His heart fell when she didn't answer, instead just giving him a look that went far beyond words.

He nodded once. _Should've known we wouldn't be that lucky._ "I'm sorry."

 _Speaking of before that..._ Sam started trying to find the words to broach the subject of her extremely inappropriate behavior, but before she could voice anything, the outer curtain was pulled back to reveal Colonel Frank Simmons. She stared at him, shocked, then shifted her eyes to Jack, who hopped off the bed to stand, glaring angrily at the intruder.

"Major!" Simmons cried delightedly. "We heard you were awake. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me."

"What do you want, Colonel?" Sam asked.

"Just to see if you wanted to go ahead and leave now. Fewer people around, potentially less embarrassment." He smiled nastily at her confusion. "Didn't they tell you, Major Carter? You're coming with me."

"I don't think so, Simmons. She's not going anywhere. Not now, not later. I will make sure of it." Jack's voice was defiant as he took a step toward the other man.

Simmons shifted his attention to Jack. "You should be careful, Colonel. It might start to look like you're taking some rather undue interest in one particular subordinate. That could raise some sticky questions." He looked at Sam. "We wouldn't want that, would we?"

Jack spoke before Sam could say anything. "Leave. Now."

"Very well." He shrugged. "But I will be back, with backup. Last chance, Major. Next time, I'm leading you out of here in cuffs in full view."

Sam mutely shook her head. She could only guess as to what was happening, so she had to take her cues from Jack. Besides, hell would freeze over before she'd ever go anywhere with Simmons voluntarily.

Simmons' faced darkened as he turned and left without a word. Sam couldn't entirely suppress the shiver at his expression.

Jack remained on high alert for another minute, as if he expected Simmons to come running back in and snatch Sam out of her bed. Finally, he turned back to her. "I'm sorry, Carter. I was actually on my way to tell you about the NID yesterday morning, but then there was kissing, if I recall correctly." He allowed a small smile to escape at that, but it disappeared quickly at the worried expression on her face.

"Colonel, I wanted to talk to you... about..." she stuttered, feeling even worse about her behavior in the light of Simmons' threats. She had not stopped to consider the implications for him, professionally or personally. Not that she'd had much time or brain-power to think with.

"Major, we will talk about that. I promise," he said softly. He looked around. "But not now, not here." She tried to interpret the look in his eyes, but he was standing too far away for her to get a good read.

He started pacing. "I can't believe that they are still turning you over to the NID. I thought that would go away now. Don't worry. I'll talk to Hammond."

The general's voice cut Jack off just before he and Jacob appeared. "I'm here, Colonel. What do you need?"

Jacob's eyes brightened when he saw Sam and he quickly re-took his place next to her bed, giving her a hug before sitting down.

"Simmons was just here, Sir. He wanted Carter to go with him now." Hammond was smiling, apparently very amused. "General?"

Hammond cleared his throat. "I just got off the phone with the President, Colonel. Based on Jacob's report on his success removing the conditioning triggers, he has rescinded NID's authority over Major Carter. Simmons will be escorted off our base within the hour."

"What will happen to me, Sir?" Sam asked the general.

"Well, Major, we will need to keep you here on base for observation for a couple of weeks, just to confirm that you really are back to normal. You will continue to see both Dr. MacKenzie and Dr. Fraiser on a regular basis. And the NID will be officially looped in on status reports concerning your recovery."

"And if everything is normal after two weeks?"

"I imagine you'll be allowed to go home, Major. We will work out the details before then."

She smiled tentatively at the idea of going home. She felt like she should be more excited by the idea, but was having a hard conceptualizing it. 'Home' seemed like another lifetime, another reality, that didn't quite fit her.

"Can you stay, Dad?" she asked.

Jacob looked regretful. "Sorry, kiddo. I'm leaving tomorrow." She tried to keep her disappointment from showing. "We're taking Ugallu back with us. I want to be part of the interrogation," he said coldly.

"So, the President agreed to turn him over to the Tok'ra, General?" Jack confirmed.

"Yes. We keep the library, they get the goa'uld. We all share any tactical information gained from either source."

Jack grimaced but kept his mouth shut. The Tok'ra were not great on the sharing, but he was just happy to have the snake as far away from Carter as possible. He glanced at her, holding her father's hand tightly, chewing on her lip. He understood why Jacob had to leave, but it was bad timing.

Dr. Warner suddenly appeared, Sam's chart in his hand. He looked surprised to see the three men around her bed. "Ah, Generals, Colonel. I just came to check on our patient before she sleeps," he said pointedly.

Hammond nodded. "I am very glad that you are doing better, Major Carter. Please let me know if there is anything you need." He said his goodbyes and left. Jacob was obviously settled in for the long haul, so Jack stood around while Warner did his thing.

After the third glare from the doctor, Jack sighed. "Okay, Carter, you get a good night's rest. I'll bring Teal'c and Daniel by to see you tomorrow." He patted her shoulder and smiled.

She smiled back at him. "Good night, Colonel."


	17. Chapter 17

Jack nearly bounced into the infirmary bright and early the next morning. He knew that Carter still had a long way to go in dealing with what had happened, but they were finally back on familiar ground and he was confident that they could do whatever needed to be done. He had gotten his first guilt-free night of sleep in his own bed for the first time in nearly two months. As he stepped in, his smile was replaced with confusion when he saw her empty bed.

"Doc?" he called out. "Are you missing a patient?"

"I'm here, Sir," came Carter's voice as she emerged from the changing area buttoning the last buttons on her shirt. She was still pale, still too thin, but she was standing on her own two feet and smiling at him. He didn't think he'd ever seen anything more beautiful. He swallowed roughly as he nodded hello to her.

"Good to see you up and about, Major."

She smiled back, a bit uncertain. In some ways, it felt like they had just rescued her and she was desperately trying to re-align her sense of self in light of her time with Ugallu. With the colonel standing here, staring so intently at her, she felt off-kilter. Not uncomfortable, exactly, just unknown.

Janet came up behind her, smiling at the colonel. "I'm releasing her, Sir. As she has pointed out several times over the last couple of hours, there's no reason to keep her here." She stood next to Sam and looked up at her. "Provided, of course, that your first stop is breakfast."

Sam nodded. "I'm starving."

Jack motioned for Sam to ahead of him to the door. "Sounds like a plan."

They walked the halls in a semi-companionable silence, their strides awkwardly mismatched at first until their natural synchronicity began to reassert itself. By the time they had loaded up their trays and chosen their seats, Sam was even comfortable making limited eye contact without her mind jumping to the kiss and what he say whenever they had 'the talk' he had promised.

She fell into her recently acquired habit of ignoring everyone at the other tables, but Jack hadn't eaten with her since Ugallu's plan had been revealed. He dismissed the curious stares as a hazard of being a member of SG-1. But he noted the each suspicious look that was thrown her way. He knew there wasn't much he could do about it, officially. Nevertheless, he met each glance with a look of his own, and sure enough, the airman in question suddenly found that he or she was urgently needed somewhere outside of the commissary.

She glanced at her watch as she finished her meal, then looked at Jack reproachfully. "Sir, you really need to get to work."

He leaned back in his chair and stretched his legs out under the table, just a hair from touching hers. "Not a busy morning, Major. I'm in no rush."

"Sir, I'll be fine," she answered, jumping to the heart of his procrastination. He looked at her skeptically. "Really, Colonel."

He sighed, reluctant to leave her on her own. "What are you going to be doing while the rest of us are off working?"

"Thinking," she said. "I've got a lot of thinking to do; a lot to process." As she spoke, she remembered her nightmares from the night before. They were garden-variety compared to what she had experienced recently, but waking up in a panic several times throughout the night was enough to convince her that she had a lot of work ahead of her. She almost mentioned the dreams to the colonel, but he looked worried enough as it was. "And I'm going to see MacKenzie this afternoon. Maybe we can make a real start at trying to work through this."

Despite his reluctance to let her out of his sight, he had to appreciate her desire to resume some measure of independence. He straightened up in the chair. "Okay. You know where I am if you want me. To talk to," he clarified quickly.

"Yes, Sir," she replied, biting back a smile at his juvenile sense of humor.

"And how about we have a little team night this evening in your quarters? I'll bring the food. If you think you're up to it."

She smiled openly now. "That sounds great, Colonel."

~SG1~

Daniel tapped nervously on Sam's door. Jack had mentioned the team night/dinner to him earlier in the afternoon and his stomach had been tied in knots ever since. He finally gave in and closed up his office early in the hopes of getting some time to talk to Sam before the other two got there. If she wasn't going to be comfortable with him there, he would make his excuses and let her have her space.

His first thought when she opened the door was how tired she looked. "Daniel," she said, surprised. "I wasn't expecting you guys this early." She stepped back to let him in.

"It's just me. I was thinking we could talk for a bit," he said as he stepped into the room, stopping when he saw the unmade bed. "I'm sorry, Sam. You were sleeping."

She shrugged. "More like, not sleeping." She sighed as she bent to straighten the covers. "It was a kind of rough session with MacKenzie this afternoon. I thought some rest might help, but it's going to be a while before I get to that point, I think."

Finished, she turned around to see Daniel sitting at the small table, huddled in on himself. Alarmed she took a seat next to him. "Daniel, what's wrong?"

"I, I know that Jack talked to you about how we determined what Ugallu did to you." She nodded. "I just need to know that we're okay, you and me."

"Oh!" Sam sat back. "Of course we are, Daniel."

He looked at her. "Don't blow me off, Sam. There were reasons you didn't tell us everything before, things that you wanted to keep private, and now..." He kicked himself mentally to stop talking.

She paled slightly and her voice shook a little when she answered. "Look, Daniel, you did what you had to do. Would I rather that you didn't know every detail of what happened? Maybe, for now. I don't have any doubt that I would have talked to you about it eventually. Am I creeped out that you had to read it from his perspective? Yeah, a bit. I don't even want to know what he wrote. And I can't imagine how it was for you to read it.

"But you can believe me when I say that we are okay. I'm not going to let him take you away from me on top of everything else." Her voice was strong and defiant, making him smile as he saw a shade of the Sam he knew.

He leaned forward to hug her. "Never." He chuckled as he pulled away. "I don't think you're supposed to be the one consoling me, however."

She waved a hand. "We're a team, right? Besides, this whole damsel in distress thing gets old after a while," she said, rolling her eyes. She was relieved to see Daniel relax a bit.

A firmer knock on the door announced the arrival of Jack and Teal'c with pizza, sodas, and movies. They all grabbed a slice and Teal'c put the movie in. To try to avoid triggering any flashbacks for Sam, they had selected several slapstick comedies. First up was _Fletch_. He set the second film on top of the television.

Sam settled on the couch between Teal'c and Daniel. Jack sprawled in the armchair. He was pleased to see that Sam was genuinely laughing at Chevy Chase's antics onscreen. By the time they had switched the movies, watched all the previews, and started watching _Airplane!_ , Sam's eyes were drooping. Teal'c felt her head resting against his shoulder soon after and gently moved his arm, allowing her to lean against his chest, replacing his arm around her shoulder, holding her firmly as she slept.

Jack couldn't deny a twinge of jealousy as he watched them, envying the fact that Teal'c could enjoy that level of physical closeness with her without constant worrying about regulations, perceptions, or crossing an invisible and ever-moving line. He was watching them almost as much as the movie, so he noticed pretty much immediately when she grew agitated.

Teal'c looked down when he felt Sam's head jerk. She was uttering small sounds of pain, her lower lip trapped between her teeth so tightly, he was afraid she would draw blood. She kicked her foot out against Daniel's leg. He looked over to see Teal'c softly stroking her arm, speaking in a soft, comforting whisper. Daniel rested his own hand on her ankle and looked over at Jack, watching them intently. He nodded to let Jack know they had it under control, even as he felt the tension in her leg easing.

Surrounded by gentle touches and a familiar voice, Sam's nightmare slowly receded and she once again snuggled back into Teal'c. All three men relaxed enough to enjoy the rest of the movie, but stayed alert to her every movement. When the movie ended, Jack quietly suggested that they should call it a night. Sam woke as Daniel and Teal'c moved, blinking sleepily as she slowly remembered where she was.

"Hey guys," she smiled as she pushed herself to sitting, shaking her head to clear the sleep fog. "Sorry for falling asleep."

"It was not a problem, Major Carter," Teal'c responded as he helped Daniel gather together the remains of their dinner.

Jack stood up and offered a hand to help Sam to her feet as well. "We're going to get out of your hair and let you get some real rest." She did her best to hide her discomfort at the thought of being alone, but he caught the brief flash in her eyes. He squeezed her hand. "We're just a phone call away."

She held on to his hand for an extra moment, taking comfort in his touch. Reluctantly, disengaging from her, he stepped back to let Teal'c and Daniel say their goodbyes, hug her, and leave. When they were alone, he leaned against the table and stated, "You had a nightmare earlier."

She nodded. The memory was a little hazy; their quick reaction had provided enough comfort to chase away the distress before it had really impacted her.

"Was it like before? Were we in it?" She hesitated. "You don't have to answer. I just want to know if our being here is making things worse."

She was torn between laughing and crying. "No, Sir. You all make it seem bearable. The nightmares are horrible, but it's not..." She swallowed down the memory of those horrible hybrid dreams. "They're just memories now."

"Good. That's good." He stood up again and was heading toward the door when her voice stopped him.

"Colonel, do they stop?"

"Major?"

"The dreams, Sir." She hated the fear that even these relatively more innocuous dreams instilled in her.

Looking in her eyes, he saw the fatigue and the fear hiding behind the brave military front that had been drilled into her, into them, over years. He walked back to her and pulled her into his arms. He could feel her resist at first, but she quickly gave in, dropping her cheek against his shoulder and he felt her hands on his back as she hugged him as well.

He spoke softly. "It'll get better, I promise. I know that you will get through this." He held her for another minute, one hand stroking her hair, wishing he had more to offer her.

She nodded, letting his strength buoy her flagging spirits. All too soon, however, he was pulling away. The reluctance she saw on his face mirrored her own feelings.

"Thank you, Sir."

"Anytime, Carter." He smiled. "Try to get some sleep, okay?"

"Yes, Sir." She closed the door behind him, took a deep breath and readied herself for bed.

~SG1~

The next two weeks passed in a similar manner, each day giving more credence to the validity of Sam's recovery, and General Hammond was more than happy to provide the final approval that would lift her restriction to the base. Her physical recovery was progressing and Sam had added a daily trip to the gym to her routine by the second week, working on rebuilding her strength and agility. She also found the physical workouts to be helpful in focusing and relaxing her mind.

She was leaving the locker room two days before her base restriction was to be lifted when she saw Daniel. She was surprised to see him in full gear as he anxiously waited for her.

"Hey, Sam."

"Daniel," she answered. "You going somewhere?"

"Yeah," he answered, looking at his watch. "In about 15 minutes."

"Cutting it a little close, aren't you?" she asked, herding Daniel toward the elevator. She knew how cranky the colonel got when someone was late to the gateroom.

"We had an unexpected... thing... come up. Uh, technically, I'm not supposed to be able to tell you about it."

She nodded her understanding. It had to be a little weird for Daniel and the others, not being able to talk to her about missions. Her security access wouldn't be restored until she returned to active duty, which was dependent on the pace of her recovery. At this point, it looked like MacKenzie and Janet were leaning toward mandating a six-month medical leave with recommended intensive therapy.

He smiled apologetically. "I know you're going home day after tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know that we're scheduled to be back before then."

She smiled at his concern, as much as the fact that he knew her well enough to be concerned. She had to admit that it the idea of leaving the base after all this time was a little daunting; it would be easier if she had her friends with her. She swiped her card to call the elevator. "Thanks for letting me know, Daniel." The elevator doors opened and she let him step past her to enter.

"See you soon!" he called as the doors closed. She sighed, trying to dislodge the irrational feeling of panic that lodged in her chest at the idea of none of them being around and headed to the commissary for lunch.

~SG1~

She wasn't surprised to not see them at all the next day, but when she hadn't seen or heard from them by lunchtime of the day she was supposed to go home, she started to get a little worried. So when she returned to her quarters after her daily visit with MacKenzie to find General Hammond waiting for her, she felt her heartbeat stutter in her chest as she forced herself to walk the last few steps to stand in front of him. Her eyes searched his face and she breathed a little easier as she noted concern but not distress in his expression.

"Major Carter, I wanted to let you know that SG-1's return has been delayed," he said quickly, wanting to assuage the worst of her apprehension.

"Is everything okay, Sir?"

She caught his slight hesitation before he answered. "I have every confidence that they will be back soon."

"Yes, Sir." She wanted to push for more information but she realized that the general had already stretched protocol by telling her as much as he had. She didn't miss the fact that he hadn't mentioned their condition or a timeline for their return. Obviously, they were off-plan at this point. And she wasn't there with them, for them.

"Thank you, General, for letting me know."

"I know that they were planning on escorting you home tonight, Major; I understand that Colonel O'Neill moved your car back to your house some time ago. I assume you still want to leave?" he questioned.

She considered it. The thought of returning alone to an empty house was disheartening but still more attractive than the thought of spending even one more night on base when she didn't have to. She nodded. "I do."

Hammond smiled. "I'll have an airman ready to drive you home at 1700 hours. You can take the weekend; when you return Monday morning, we'll discuss how to proceed from this point. Now I really should get back. If I don't see you before you leave, have a good weekend, Major."

~SG1~

No news came that afternoon. Sam made her way to the infirmary for her final checkup before leaving. From this point on, she would be only be required to check-in with the doctor once a week. She loved Janet dearly, but was more than happy to cut back on their professional interactions. She waited until the doctor had given her the all-clear before she asked about her team.

"Janet, have you heard anything?"

"Sam," she sighed, her reluctance quickly overcome at the sight of the pensive look on the blonde's face. She kept her voice low. "All right. All I know is that there's some kind of technical problem keeping them from getting near the gate. We've been able to contact them via radio when we've dialed in, but until they get past whatever it is, they can't get home."

"Is anyone hurt?" Sam asked.

"I have been told to expect casualties when they return, but I haven't been told about anything serious at this point," she hastened to try to comfort Sam.

Sam tried to breathe normally, tried not to let her mind run to the worst-case scenarios. She had asked, after all. "Okay, Janet. Thanks."

She hopped off the table and started for the door, but Janet's hand on her arm stopped her. She turned back.

"Do you want me to drive you home, Sam? Maybe have dinner?" Janet offered.

Sam shook her head decisively. "No, Janet. I want you here. For them."

Janet nodded. "Remember, you can call me any time for anything, okay?"

Sam smiled and hugged the smaller woman. "Thanks," she said and then hurried out.

She barely remembered to stop by the locker room to grab her house keys before leaving. She stood in front of her open locker, keys in her hand, staring at them as if she had never seen them before. How long had it been since she'd put them in there? She tried to remember what it felt like to turn the key in her front lock, to step into her own home, but it seemed so far away. She sat down suddenly, feeling overwhelmed and alone.

Alone. Her mind wandered to her team trapped offworld. Were they alone? Were there other teams there? Enemies? She felt like she should go barging into the control room, find some miracle way to get her team back, but she couldn't. Not only was she not allowed, but she found that the very thought filled her with terror. What if everyone was wrong and she was still a liability? She would make things worse; they could end up permanently stranded... or dead. How the hell was she supposed to make the right choice when she couldn't trust herself?

Taking a deep breath, she wiped the few tears that had spilled down her cheeks away and stood up. There was no choice to make right now. She wouldn't be able to get near the control room anyway. She grabbed her jacket and slipped it on, dropping her keys in the pocket.

She signed out once she reached the surface, looking over her shoulder, waiting for someone to come tell her she wasn't allowed to leave. Graham Simmons walked up to her. "Major Carter, General Hammond asked me to drive you home. Um, if you're ready." Even after all this time, the young man still was quite enamored of Sam; apparently, the recent questions about her loyalty had done nothing to dampen his admiration.

Sam looked back toward the elevator, wishing someone would come running out to tell her they were back and everything was fine. She bit her lip and turned back to Graham. "Let's go, Lieutenant."


	18. Chapter 18

Sam let her mind wander on the trip home, losing herself in the colors playing across the sky as the sun sank toward the horizon. She was slightly surprised when a slight cough from Graham alerted her to the fact that they were stopped at the curb in front of her house. She stared at the small one-story house for a minute. It had always seemed so welcoming before, but now it just looked cold and lonely. She thanked the lieutenant and declined his offer to accompany her inside.

As she walked up the path, she took in the neatly trimmed grass and orderly flowerbeds with a smile. She had no idea when they had found the time, but she was sure that one or more of her team had been here to get everything in order for her return; maybe they'd even been keeping it up the whole time she was restricted to base.

She turned as she unlocked the door, waving to the young lieutenant who was waiting to make sure she got inside safely, and stepped into the quiet house. A quick glance confirmed that the guys had kept up inside as well. No dust, her plants were in fairly good shape, and the house had definitely been aired out recently, which she appreciated greatly after having breathed recycled air for weeks on end.

She fixed herself a small salad, loading it with chickpeas, feta, and black olives. Daniel had obviously been responsible for restocking her kitchen, which now offered a number of options reflecting his own childhood favorites. After eating, she wandered restlessly around the house. It was a bit overwhelming that she was free to do whatever she wanted to. True, the past couple of weeks she'd been 'free' in the sense that she wasn't under guard the whole time, but with limited security and being unable to leave the base, her options had remained extremely limited.

A bath! A shiver of delighted anticipation ran through her as she headed to the bathroom. She undressed while the tub filled with hot water and slipped in, laying her head back on a folded towel. She closed her eyes as she felt the moist heat surrounding her and soothing the tension from her body. A small smile appeared as she remembered the last time she had done this, the bath leading the way to some more intimate stress relief. Candles and bath salts had filled the air with seductive fragrances as her mind had spun fantasies of how Jack would touch her, his hands and lips meeting her skin, in a world somehow devoid of war. It was a guilty pleasure she only rarely allowed herself to indulge.

She became aware that her hands were moving lazily over her skin as she reminisced. Giving a mental shrug, she went with it, reacquainting herself with her own body. One hand idly traced figure eights on her abdomen, moving lower toward her thighs, while she brought the other one up between the hollow of her breasts, dripping water across her collarbone and shoulder. As her fingers slid down her arm, her eyes flew open and she sat up abruptly, unaware of the water splashing over the side of the tub. Pulling her legs up to her chest, she sat still, trying to breathe through the nausea that had risen with her memories.

_His hands on her; his breath hot on her face, her neck; the futile struggles; his weight pinning her down, the physical pain dull beneath the emotional agony._

As she sat there, shaking with remembered fear, three words kept repeating in her head. _I was raped._ She had experienced it, she had included it in her mission report, but until now it had felt safely removed from her, as if the woman it had happened to had been left behind in that cell. Her skin was icy cold even in the warm water. She angrily pushed up to her feet and stepped out of the tub, drying quickly, roughing the towel over her skin. She splashed some cold water from the sink onto her face and looked up into the mirror.

There was no remaining trace of the injuries she had sustained in the days prior to her rescue. She looked at her unblemished skin, her bright eyes; she was the picture of health. He had been obsessed with that perfection, waiting anxiously for her to be returned to her cell every time she was revived by the sarcophagus. He would extol her physical virtues as he forced her to her knees or pushed himself inside of her.

After the third time, she had begun to look forward to the physical torture. She knew by then that once he started marking up her skin, whether by fist or knife or fire, she would be spared any more advances until she was restored to perfection again. She trembled as she looked at her reflection in the mirror with more disgust and hatred than she ever remembered feeling before.

She felt her hand curl tightly around something and vaguely realized she was pulling her arm back to smash the mirror, to destroy her reflection and ravage that sickening perfection. She looked at the heavy incense bowl poised to hit the mirror dead center;Teal'c had given it to her years ago when she had expressed an interest in meditation. And just as suddenly, she put the bowl down and stepped back from the sink, her breath coming in shallow gasps. She leaned heavily against the wall, trying to rein in her emotions.

She remembered earlier in the week when MacKenzie had told her that she would need to rebuild her identity just as surely as her strength and stamina. _"You've been a prisoner, both of the enemy and of your own command. You've endured torture. You've died and been revived. I don't want you to dwell on these unduly, but you will have to absorb all these things into your self-image."_

Rape. It wasn't that she had thought she was immune to the threat. She was under no illusions as to what would have happened in Turghan's camp had her team not shown up before nightfall on that early mission. But the threat, the close calls, still hadn't prepared her for the reality and she had no idea how to reconcile what had happened to her with who she was or who she wanted to be.

 _Well,_ she thought wryly. _I'll definitely have something to talk to MacKenzie about on Monday._

Not wanting to push her tenuous control any further, she retreated to her bedroom where she pulled on some old sweats. She did a quick sweep through the house to make sure the doors and windows were locked and then slid under the covers on her bed. She rested against a pile of pillows and picked up the book sitting on her bedside table. Opening to the bookmarked page, she realized that she had no real memory of what it was even about, so she turned back to the first page and began again.

The random noises of the house and the neighborhood had her jumping every few minutes, making it impossible to pay attention to what she was reading. Her hand hovered over the phone as she debated calling Janet. She pulled her hand back, steeling her resolve and telling herself that she could get through one night on her own. She did however pull her personal weapon from the nightstand drawer and load it. She placed the loaded gun on top of the table and turned off the light.

When she woke for the third time that night due to nightmares, she pulled herself to sitting and looked at the clock. 5AM. No point in going back to sleep. Mackenzie had warned her to expect the dreams to worsen with the change of environment. But these weren't just the post-traumatic dreams she had expected. In this last one, she had watched guiltily as her team fell one by one, stranded light years from Earth, under fire, and desperate for rescue. Without her.

She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to clear the images. There was nothing she could do for them right now. She had to trust Hammond and the rest of the SGC to bring them home.

By the time she had grabbed a quick shower and some breakfast, the sky was turning rosy. Determined to keep busy, as well as to return to her old schedule, she decided to go for a run. Although her stamina wasn't quite back to normal, causing her to scale back the intensity, she still found a measure of comfort in the brisk dawn air, the repetitive movement, and the rush of endorphins. As she walked back down her block, she saw her next door neighbor walking out to pick up the morning paper.

"Samantha! I thought I saw you back last night." Susan Jones smiled brightly at Sam. Being retired, Susan had appointed herself as the neighborhood watch; she always knew the comings and goings of nearby residents. Sam knew that her unusual schedule and frequent unannounced trips were of intense interest to Susan, but typically just smiled and changed the subject.

"You were gone so long this time, I just knew something truly terrible must have happened. Thank god you're back, safe and sound."

"Thank you," Sam acknowledged the heartfelt sentiment, while ignoring the unstated questions of where she had been and why she had been gone so long. "How have you been, Susan?"

The older woman laughed. "Oh, I've been just fine. Especially when those handsome men would come around to look after your place and take care of the yard." Sam bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing at the slightly lascivious look on her neighbor's face. "Now which one is your young man?"

Sam's eyes widened. "Oh, none of them. Really, we're just teammates."

"Oh, that's a shame. They're such nice-looking young men." Sam chuckled to herself at Susan's characterization of them. Daniel, she supposed, could be considered a young man, although with everything they'd been through in the last few years, she was pretty sure he didn't feel young anymore. The colonel may act like a kid at times but he had definitely left 'young' behind a while ago. And Teal'c had a good thirty years on Susan, at least.

Susan shook her head. "Well, don't let me keep you. I'm sure you must have tons to do now that you're back." Her hopeful look as she threw out one last feeler quickly turned to disappointment as Sam smiled and said goodbye.

Back in her house, Sam tried to ignore her answering machine stubbornly not indicating a new message as she gulped down some water and freshened up. She then spent the rest of the morning in her office, sorting through the piles of mail. All of her bills had been sorted and, according to the handwritten notes on them, paid as well. The notes were written by both Jack and Daniel, so she carefully added up each man's share and wrote out checks to repay them.

The quiet of her house combined with her worry about her team was too much. When she had finished lunch and still had no word from the SGC, she finally broke down and called Janet.

"Anything?" she asked as soon as Janet answered the phone.

There was a pause on the other end of the line and then Janet's reassuring doctor voice answered, "They're not back yet, but I spoke with Colonel O'Neill myself just an hour ago."

That piqued Sam's interest. It wasn't standard procedure for the CMO to speak directly with offworld teams, unless there was a problem. "Janet?" she asked, not too certain that she wanted to know the answer.

"He's fine, Sam. There are some injuries and I'm monitoring them from here. He was just giving me the latest updates on their conditions."

"Goa'uld?" Sam asked tersely.

"No, just some pretty angry natives. As I understand it, their weaponry mostly consists of bows and arrows."

Sam half-smiled. "The colonel hates arrows."

"He mentioned that. Several times," Janet emphasized, rolling her eyes. The man could take gunshots or staff blasts and keep on going, but a little arrow in the shoulder and it's the end of the world. She just hoped the goa'uld never found out about that little foible.

"Anyway, I was going to call you this afternoon," the doctor continued, anxious to distract Sam from speculating about the injuries. "SG-8 came back with some sort of virus and it looks like I'm going to be for a while."

"Lockdown?"

"Probably not. They reported their symptoms before returning, so we were already taking precautions. But I do need to stay and observe them for a bit. I was wondering if you would mind swinging by to see Cassie. I feel better if I know she has adult contact at least once a day."

Sam's mood brightened at the idea. "I'd love to!"

Janet thanked her with a decided air of relief and hung up. Sam grabbed her keys and headed to her car. She experienced another moment of disorientation as she slipped behind the wheel. These actions, buckling up, starting the ignition, checking the mirrors, should be so familiar, yet they felt so strange, every one reinforcing how very different she was now.

~SG1~

Sam knocked on the door and found her arms full of squealing teenage girl as soon as the door opened. For several minutes, they just stood there as Cassie held her tightly. When she finally let go and stepped back to allow Sam into the house, there were tears on her cheeks but a giant smile across her face.

They spent the afternoon sitting on Janet's back porch sipping iced tea. Sam was more than happy to let Cassie take the lead in the conversation, as most teen girls love to do. She smiled at Cassie's not-so-subtle hints that there may be a certain someone who had caught her eye at school, but the teen would not divulge any further details, no matter how much Sam prodded.

They ordered pizza for dinner and Sam brought up college plans, encouraging Cassie to think ahead even if it was 'years' away. They had moved on to what Cassie wanted for her upcoming birthday by the time Janet wearily walked through the door, a couple of hours after sunset.

The doctor hugged her daughter and her friend, shaking her head mutely at Sam's questioning eyes. Sam swallowed down the fear and worry and simply nodded. After chatting for a few minutes, she excused herself for the night. Janet walked her to the door, putting a comforting hand on her arm.

"I'm sure they'll be home soon, Sam."

Sam dredged up a smile from somewhere. "I know, Janet. I'm just not used to being on this side of the mission." She shook her head. "I honestly don't know how you do it."

Janet pulled her into a tight hug. "Friends and family, Sam. Just remember that we're here for you."

~SG1~

She skipped the bath that night, just washing her face and brushing her teeth before bed. She settled back into the pillows with her book and was surprised when she was actually able to read a few pages in a row before being distracted. Another last minute circuit of the house and she settled to sleep. And again, dreams of her own trauma gave way by dawn to dreams of her team.

She spent the morning working on her motorcycle. Not much needed to be done as it was pretty much in running condition; neither Daniel nor Teal'c rode, so she was pretty sure that the colonel had been caring for it recently. Once she had verified that everything was in good working order, she changed into riding clothes and hit the road. She chose her favorite ride, heading north up the highway and returning through Pike National Forest. It was a long one, but she reveled in the freedom of the open road, the feel of the wind flowing around her, the greenery, and the sun. For a few hours at least, she left the tension and worry behind.

As she was finishing a late lunch back at home, the phone rang. She felt a pang of alarm as she picked up the handset.

Janet wasted no time once Sam picked up. "We've got them all back. They're safe."

Sam couldn't hold back her sigh of relief. "They're okay?" she questioned.

"Some injuries, nothing to worry about." Sam could hear the activity level increase as Janet was speaking. "I've got to go, Sam. They're coming in now. I just wanted to make sure you knew."

"Thanks, Jan." She hung the phone up and leaned against the counter, feeling almost giddy. She smiled as she set about the rest of her day.

~SG1~

Jack literally growled at the poor nurse trying to confirm that he had his home-care orders straight. It was 2300 and he had been trying to get off base for the last six hours. He had gotten his men checked out, helped settle Daniel into an infirmary bed, debriefed Hammond, helped to re-sort upcoming mission rotations with two teams now on downtime for the next week, and now this little twig of a nurse was reciting information that Fraiser had given him three hours ago.

Taking the sheet of instructions and sling from her hand, he forced a polite thank you, which did nothing to make up for his previous behavior if her frightened face was any indication. He did his very best not to run for the elevator and tapped his foot the whole ride to the surface. All he had been able to think about once they'd stepped back through the gate was Carter. If he was brutally honest, he'd spent more time on the mission thinking about her than he should have as well.

She'd had to go home without them. While he wasn't arrogant enough to think that she didn't have anyone else to function as a support network, they were her team. It felt nearly unforgivable to him, even as he knew it was unavoidable.

So, now he had ended up parked in front of her house at nearly midnight on a Sunday. All the windows were dark and he wondered what he was doing here. He should go home, pop a pain pill, and sleep for the rest of the week. But instead, he was sitting, watching the dark house and waiting; for what, he didn't know.

A few minutes later, he could see a shaft of light filter through one of the windows. He sat there for a while and then the living room light came on and he could see her silhouette through the lightweight curtains. He watched as she walked through the house, checking each room in turn and came back to the living room, where she stood at the window for a minute before moving away. Jack leaned his head tiredly against the cool glass of the car window as he debated whether to go knock on her door.

He jumped when his cell phone rang on the seat beside him. The caller id displayed CARTER.

"O'Neill," he answered per his deeply ingrained habit.

"Sir, I have very nosy neighbors. Perhaps you'd like to come inside before they decide you're stalking me and call the cops?" He closed his eyes and just let her voice wash over him.

Taking a deep breath, trying not to sound as emotional as he felt, he simply replied, "I'll be right in."

Sam watched with some concern from her now open front door as he slowly walked up the path. She stood back to let him through the door and locked it behind them. Turning back into the house, she stopped when she saw that he was just staring at her. His face was drawn and his eyes betrayed his fatigue, but there was also a measure of happiness as he looked at her.

"Welcome home, Colonel," she said with a smile.

He pulled her in for a too-brief hug. "I should be saying that to you. Carter, I am so sorry that none of us were here when you were released."

She waved him off. "I understand, Sir. Why don't we go sit down? Can I get you anything?"

"Nah," he answered as he made his way into the living room and took his jacket off before gratefully settling onto the couch. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine," she answered automatically, ignoring his dubious look. She sat down in an overstuffed armchair near the couch. She had seen the stiffness in his movement as he took off his jacket and could now see a bulky mass, bandages she would guess, around his left shoulder underneath his shirt. "Sir, they let you drive?" she questioned.

"Ah well, they might not have understood that I was going to drive myself. It's nothing, really. Just a flesh wound." He winced as he gestured.

"You probably shouldn't be moving it like that, Sir. Didn't Janet give you anything to immobilize it?"

"There might be a sling in the truck," he admitted. At her look, he protested. "I couldn't very well wear it while driving!"

She shook her head, smiling. "I'll be right back, Sir." She dug in his pocket for his keys and was out the door before he could protest. As he heard the door close behind her, he grimaced. He had come over to make sure she was all right, and now she was taking care of him.

She returned and handed him the sling. He slipped it on as she repocketed his keys. Then she gently sat down on the couch next to him.

She had still been shaking off the latest nightmare when she had seen him sitting out on the street. She had hesitated to call him, concerned that this would The Talk that he had alluded to after she woken up. But looking at the fatigue emanating from him, she felt pretty confident that it wouldn't be tonight. It filled her with both a sense of relief and of disappointment.

"So, rough mission?" she ventured, searching for something to fill the silence.

He shrugged with his good shoulder. "Nothing to write home about." He looked at her carefully. Being out the Mountain definitely agreed with her, although she showed signs of stress, avoiding his eyes and chewing on her lip. "How's it going for you? You getting settled in all right?"

She was quiet for a minute. She wanted so badly to share everything circling around in her head, but he was tired and injured and she should really just suck it up and send him home. Then she looked up at him and the concern and compassion in his eyes was her undoing. Her own eyes filled with tears and then he was holding her with his good arm, rubbing his hand along her shoulder, and murmuring soothing noises until she got control of herself again.

She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder for a moment longer and then pulled back. Grabbing a tissue from the end table, she wiped the moisture off her cheeks.

"So tell me," he said.

She huffed a breath. "It's nothing unexpected, really. Pretty much everything that's happening is what MacKenzie warned me to expect. I just didn't expect you guys to be stuck offworld. I didn't know a lot about what was happening, but I knew enough to know you were in trouble."

He nodded. "We were. But I'm here now."

"I can't help but notice that you're the only one here. Are Daniel and Teal'c okay?" She was sure that he would have said something immediately if something serious had happened to either of them, but she needed the whole story.

"Yeah. Daniel's tucked in bed in the infirmary. Just a concussion. Fraiser wanted to observe him for a night because he's been walking around with it for a couple of days now. I'm pretty sure our draconian doctor will release him tomorrow. Teal'c is kel-no-reem-ing. He pushed himself pretty damn near to exhaustion while we were away." Neither of them mentioned that it was obvious that Jack had done the same.

"Can you talk about it?" She saw him hesitate and continued, "It's just that I kept dreaming about what could have been happening to you guys, having nightmares really. I think I'd feel better if I knew the whole story."

"Nothing much to talk about, just your typical SNAFU. The inhabitants of the planet had managed to figure out some of the technology left behind when the goa'uld abandoned the planet, which thankfully did not include weaponry." He absently massaged his shoulder lightly as he talked. "They tend to be a little xenophobic so when SG-13 showed up on a standard first contact run, they got a little cranky. We were called in, Daniel tried his diplomacy thing which didn't work, and we grabbed our guys and were heading back to the gate when they activated this forcefield thingy. It was kind of like that thing Hathor used a couple of years ago when she had us in the fake SGC."

Sam was intrigued. "How'd you deactivate it, Sir?"

"Well, it took some trial and error," he tried to make light of the attempts by Daniel to translate the instructions, hampered by a blinding concussion and under repeated rains of arrows and spears. He tried not to look her in the eye, remembering how many times in the past few days he'd cursed the fact that she wasn't with them. She was obviously already feeling guilty and didn't want to exacerbate it. "But we did it. And now we're all back, Major. See?" He held his good arm out and grinned.

She sighed. They'd gone out with an incomplete team and it had nearly cost them and SG-13 their lives. "Colonel, you really need a fourth."

"Uh uh," he shook his head. "I'm not replacing you unless I am ordered to do so, and even then I'm going to appeal it."

She tried again. "SG-1 is the flagship team. You need a full complement; you need someone with technical expertise."

"God, Carter, do you really think you're that replaceable?"

Part of her was warmed by the loyalty she heard in his voice. She knew that she had earned it over the past few years, but worried that he was letting sentimentality interfere. It had been a rough few months for all of them, but it was time to look to the future now. "I can think several officers at the SGC right now who have similar expertise."

"Similar, yes, but they are not you. Discussion over, Major."

"I should have been there. It's my job," she said quietly.

He laid a hand on her shoulder, waiting until she looked at him to respond. "Sam, right now your job is getting better. We'll deal with everything else as it comes."

"You know that Janet and MacKenzie are going to recommend a six-month medical leave?"

He nodded. The recommendation had been on his desk when he breezed through his office that afternoon.

"Maybe I'll take someone on temporarily, as a mission calls for it. But it's your spot as long as you want it."

"And if I can't come back?"

"Well, MacKenzie seems to have a lot of confidence that you'll be back."

She looked down, playing with a loose thread on the couch cushion. "What if I don't want to?" she whispered. She thought over all the horrible things she'd seen and done since coming to the SGC. Ugallu was just the last, and definitely the worst in a long line of awful- ness. Why would she want to subject herself to any more of it?

Jack stilled. It wasn't unusual for someone who'd been through what she'd been through to consider asking for reassignment or even resigning. Hell, he'd had the paperwork filled out a month after he returned from Iraq before finally throwing it in the fireplace at the cabin.

As a man, he wanted her to do what was best for herself. Additionally, he knew that if she resigned from a front-line position, the possibility of something happening between them got substantially easier; that was a very appealing idea. But as her CO, he knew how important she was to the SGC and to SG-1. They needed her back, fighting the war and pulling off miracles.

"Let's give it the six months before we tackle that, huh?" He yawned suddenly and winced.

She nodded and smiled at him. "You'd better get home, Sir. It's late."

"Yes, it is." They stood and walked to the front door. "It will all work out, Carter. You'll see."

"Yes, Sir." She almost believed him. At least enough to see where the next few months would take her.

As he was stepping through the door, he turned. "You appointment with MacKenzie are still right after lunch?" She nodded. "Why don't you come by early some days and we can have lunch together, the whole team?"

Her smile widened. "I'd like that, Sir."


	19. Chapter 19

They all got together for lunch on Thursday. Sam found herself smiling and sometimes laughing as she listened to Daniel and the colonel banter back and forth; she even added her own comments a time or two, but mostly she just exchanged long-suffering looks with Teal'c and enjoyed the comfortable familiarity of being with her guys.

It had been a rough week thus far. MacKenzie was pushing hard in therapy in light of her weekend experiences. The sessions were leaving her feeling simultaneously drained and on edge. But sitting here with the three of them, she felt for the first time that maybe she would be able to return to some semblance of her prior life.

After lunch, Daniel dragged Teal'c off to help him review some pictures from an abandoned Goa'uld outpost and Jack offered to walk Sam to MacKenzie's office.

"So, what have you been doing with yourself?" he asked. He had never known Carter to really do nothing, spending much of her free time holed up in her lab. He was a little concerned about how she was reacting to the prospect of such a long time without work.

"Not much, really. I'm thinking about getting a new bike, maybe something that needs some work." She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "My current one is in prime condition, doesn't need a thing done to it."

One small corner of his mouth turned up. "That's... too bad?"

She laughed and gently bumped his arm with her elbow. "Thank you," she said quietly, feeling entirely inadequate at expressing the depth of her gratitude.

"Anytime." They approached the elevator and he leaned forward to swipe his card.

"I was thinking I might go visit Mark in a couple of months," she offered.

"That sounds good. Some time with your family would probably be... good. Why wait?"

"Well, therapy kind of takes precedence. MacKenzie thinks it'll be a couple of months before I can take a week or so off. I don't want to go out there only to have to rush back here after a couple of days."

"If you want to go sooner, I could talk to MacKenzie for you."

Sam's step stuttered a moment as they stepped into the elevator. "No, Sir, thank you, but I... well, I'm..."

He finished the statement for her. "Not ready? I get that."

Sam was relieved that he understood. She really was looking forward to seeing Mark and the kids, but she needed some more time to live with her new self before seeing him.

"So, you got any plans for the weekend?" Jack continued the conversation.

She made a face. "Not really. I haven't quite gotten back into my old routine yet. Like I said, maybe I'll look at some bikes."

"Well, maybe I'll drop by, if you don't think you're going to be busy."

"Yeah, sure," she agreed. "I'll be around." The elevator doors opened and she got out with a smile. "See you then, Colonel."

~SG1~

Sam woke abruptly Saturday morning, pulling herself out of yet another nightmare. The pale light of dawn was peeking under her bedroom curtains and sat up reluctantly. This last nightmare was a doozy and she didn't see any point in trying to get back to sleep. She groggily stumbled out of bed and lingered in the shower, allowing the hot water to wake her up. Throwing on a tank top and yoga pants, she grabbed the newspaper off her front porch before returning to the kitchen to start breakfast.

Jack winced at the clock in his truck as he pulled up in front of her house. It was damn early to be 'dropping by' on a weekend morning. He looked up at the house, tying to divine whether she was up yet. The lack of newspaper in front of the house seemed encouraging. He had just raised his hand to knock on door when he heard her cry out and a metallic clatter. He turned the knob and found the door open; he made his way quickly but cautiously through the house, one hand resting on his weapon. He entered the kitchen to find her standing in the middle of the room, one arm held tightly to her middle, the floor and stove dotted with tiny puddles of grease and a frying pan upside down on the floor alongside several strips of bacon.

 _Okay, just a kitchen accident,_ he thought, relieved as he removed his hand from his gun. Looking back at her, he saw she hadn't moved, even when he entered the room. Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut and she was shaking slightly.

"Sam?" he called to her softly, trying not to startle her. No response. "Carter!" He reverted to military mode in the hopes of getting an automatic response from her. It worked.

Though she remained pale and shaking, she opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She could hear the tension in his voice and wondered what he thought of the pathetic scene in front of him. One little burn from bacon grease and she nearly went comatose. "I'm fine, Sir," she said, not altogether steadily.

"What happened?" he asked.

She grimaced as she looked at the wreckage that had been her breakfast. "I was cooking some bacon, Sir. The grease popped up and burned my arm." She pulled it tighter against her, memories still playing behind her conscious mind. She shrugged half-heartedly, trying to downplay it. "I guess it triggered a little PTSD."

Jack nodded and walked over to her. "Let me see your arm," he ordered.

She held it out for him to examine. "It's nothing, Sir. A little bacon grease, see?"

He nodded his agreement and then gently maneuvered her to chair. Seeing a mug on the table already, he picked it up. Still warm, and smelling faintly herbal, he handed it to her. She took a small sip. "Why don't you just sit here and drink this while I clean this up," he suggested as he started moving around the kitchen. He tried not to notice how the weight she'd been recovering the last few weeks really made her outfit extremely attractive. He made short work of the bacon grease, got the pan in the sink and said, "Okay, Carter. Get dressed. I'm taking you out for breakfast."

They ended up at the local diner, enjoying the food and the company. Now that she was over the embarrassment from earlier, Sam found herself smiling almost nonstop as she listened to Jack recount the latest travesty that had befallen the Simpsons. She had missed this so much. She tried to soak it all in at once: the tone and timbre of his voice, his quick smiles crinkling his eyes, the way he talked with his hands. These were the things that she had missed most when he had distanced himself from her.

After paying the bill, Jack suggested that they take a walk. After a short drive, he pulled in to a park. They headed up one of the trails, Sam easily handing the lead over to Jack, following him on instinct as she soaked up the feel of the sun and the smell of the trees. They walked in silence for a while. Finally, Jack led the way off the path through some undergrowth which opened on a magnificent view of the Rockies.

Sam stopped short. "Wow, Colonel. This is amazing. I never knew about this place."

He smiled, surveying the view. "It's pretty awesome, isn't it? I come here sometimes when I need to think; it used to be stargazing up on my roof, but I think the cat's out of the bag there." She grinned in response. His rooftop observatory was now well-known throughout the entire SGC.

"I'm honored that you shared this with me, Sir."

"Best of all, we're alone and we'll hear anyone coming long before they get here." He settled down on a rock and motioned her to do the same. He paused before adding, "And Sam, for this conversation, let's drop the ranks."

She sat down, leaving some space between them, nervous butterflies dancing in her stomach.

"You probably know what I wanted to talk to you about, right?" Jack started.

She nodded slowly, looking out across the view. "I can guess." She had been cleared of any wrongdoing in a professional capacity regarding her behavior up to and including the kiss. Now she was going to learn what the personal fallout was. While Jack had been nothing but supportive thus far, that could easily be the act of a commanding officer, holding back the personal outrage until his team member was on the right track.

"Relax, Sam," he urged. She laughed shortly, trying to take a deep breath. Turning to look at him, she found him watching her patiently, his eyes warm and kind, with just a touch of his own underlying nervousness.

He seemed almost as unsure as she was how to broach the subject. Finally, he shifted a bit to face her squarely and spoke. "You kissed me," he said, sounding both incredulous and amused.

"Yes."

"Why?" All traces of humor disappeared from his voice and expression, leaving his face impassive. Even after all these years, she still had trouble reading him when he didn't want her to.

She floundered a bit. His earnest attitude was throwing her. She had expected him to play it off with humor or possibly read her the riot act, but he seemed surprisingly serious.

"You read my report right? It's all in there." She had spent several days of the previous week compiling a report of the events that had occurred while she had been under Ugallu's control, including her thought processes leading up to their embrace.

He answered carefully. "Yes, I read it. You thought a distraction would allow you to pass on the information."

"Right," she said in relief, hoping he would let it rest end there.

"But why me?" he followed up.

"Sir?" she questioned faintly, using the automatic honorific as a stall to buy time to try to get her heartbeat under control.

"Why? Me?" he asked again, enunciating each word carefully. The look in his eyes said he wanted an answer and would wait here all day if necessary. "I mean, was I just the first person you ran into after you figured it out? Would Daniel or Teal'c have sufficed? Or Siler?" He tried to ignore the mental images accompanying his words.

She wanted to say yes and continue to pretend that they were just friends and colleagues, to keep the attraction locked away in that room. But she couldn't lie to him. She swallowed nervously.

"No, Jack. I think it only worked because it was something that I already wanted to do."

He felt some of the tension drain from him at her admission. It was what he had hoped she would say, but now that she had, he didn't know what to do with it. Seeing her chewing on her lip, he realized how much it had cost her to say it and decided to offer something in return.

"I don't regret the kiss. I actually kind of enjoyed the kiss." He pretended to consider for a moment, then nodded. "Yep, it was a pretty damn good kiss."

"I guess so," she replied absently, not quite meeting his eyes.

"You guess so?" he repeated. He tried for a teasing smirk, wanting to keep it light, but even he could hear the strain in his voice.

She suddenly realized how that sounded and hastened to clarify. "Oh no, not like that. I just... well, my memories are kind of fuzzy. I remember it happening, but not a lot of the details."

 _Well, that sucks_ , he thought, looking at her. He figured that he was now at least two kisses up on her, including the time loop. All the shit she went through and she didn't even have that one good memory to show for it.

She flushed as he continued staring at her, his gaze soft and warm.

He considered his next words carefully. He'd always respected the boundaries she had drawn for their relationship and regardless of her current status, she was likely to come back under his command again and they would be back in the same boat. Not to mention that it had been a year since they had admitted to having feelings for each other; things could have changed for her.

"You know, Sam, right now I'm not your CO."

She felt her heart skip a beat and her eyes widened as she started to understand his meaning. He let it sink in, just holding her gaze.

Slowly she shook her head. "No, Jack, you're not," she replied softly, a small smile lighting her face.

He lifted a hand to her hair, letting his fingers run softly through the strands. She had let it grow longer now that she wasn't on active duty. His voice was low when he spoke. "I'd like to remind you how that kiss went. If that's a problem, I need you to wave me off now." His eyes searched hers as he waited for her answer.

Her response was to slowly lean in to close the distance between them. As their lips touched, a dozen different thoughts exploded through her head: all the times they hadn't done this, the time they had, Ugallu's hand forcing her face to his. She froze for a split second. But this was something she wanted, something she was choosing, she reminded herself. And despite the terms they were couching it in, it was not an offer likely to be repeated. She narrowed her focus. This was Jack. She could smell him, feel his hands resting lightly on her shoulders, feel him waiting for her to decide.

He sensed it the instant she froze and figured he had a pretty good idea why. So he waited, keeping his lips lightly on hers, not rescinding the offer. Their previous kisses had not allowed him to enjoy the subtle shape of her lips against his or to savor the scent and warmth of her skin. Then she leaned ever so slightly farther into him, bringing her arms up so that her fingers teased the back of his neck and he felt her lips part under his, her tongue darting out to touch and taste and they both gave themselves over to the spreading warmth.

It was only by exercising a great deal of willpower that they were able to stop kissing some time later. They pulled back from each other only enough to rearrange their positions so that she could curl up against him, her head leaning on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they sat quietly, looking out at the view.

When the sun had moved noticeably westward, they silently agreed that it was time to head back. Sam kept his fingers entwined with hers as they set an easy pace back down the trail and headed back to the truck.

Dusk had settled by the time they pulled back up in front of her house. She turned to look at him. "Would you like to come in?"

"It's probably best if I don't," he replied. The kiss earlier (kiss _es_ , if he was being honest) had been fairly earth-shattering and he didn't trust his willpower at the moment to keep him from taking things to the next level. A kiss he could justify to himself given the change in their professional relationship. But being that they both knew that change was temporary, anything more would make things entirely too complicated.

Sam felt a stab of disappointment at his answer, but understood that it was the best course of action at the moment. Dr. MacKenzie had advised her against making any dramatic changes in the coming months in order to keep her focus on her recovery, and she was pretty sure that beginning a just-this-side-of-legal affair would fall under the heading of pretty damn dramatic.

"Thank you for today, Jack. I had a great time." The sparkle in her eyes conveyed that she was referring to some very specific parts of the day and he grinned back in answer.

She leaned across the seat and pressed her lips against his cheek. "I'll see you at the Mountain sometime this week."

He watched as she hopped out of the truck and let herself into her house. He stayed long enough to see her turn the lights on before he pulled away, a smile lighting his face as he thought on his renewed faith in their future, whenever it may come.

~SG1~

They continued to meet for occasional lunches when Sam came into the Mountain for her therapy sessions, sometimes with Teal'c and/or Daniel, sometimes just the two of them. At first, they drew a lot of attention, rumors still circulating around the base about Carter's ordeal, but SGC personnel were nothing if not adaptive and it was chalked up to just another insane SG1 escapade and the rumor mill moved on.

As time wore on, the lunches became less frequent. Sam's therapy sessions were reduced from daily to every other day, then twice a week. SG1 was back on regular mission rotation and often offworld when Sam was on base. After two weeks without seeing each other, Jack revived the Team Night tradition and was pleased to see the old camaraderie falling easily back into place.

Jack made sure to touch base with Sam, at least by phone, every day he wasn't offworld. Despite the weekly reports he got from MacKenzie detailing her progress, he still liked the personal reassurance he could only get from talking to her, her voice telling him whether she'd had a bad day even if she couldn't say the words. As time progressed, the bad days got noticeably fewer and farther between.

~SG1~

Jack had arranged for another Team Night her second night back from San Diego. It was a welcome event; San Diego had been fun, but not very relaxing, as visits with her brother tended to open old wounds. This one, in particular, had been fraught with tension between the two of them. Mark had been left with more questions than answers after the messages he had received from General Hammond and, later, their father, about Sam's disappearance and recovery.

Sam smiled as Daniel's and Teal'c's voices floated up to where she was sitting on Jack's rooftop observatory. As far as she could tell, the argument as to the best way to grill steaks had started up even before the coals had been lit. Jack had been very vocal at the beginning of the conversation, but she hadn't heard him say anything for a few minutes.

"Hey," came his voice from behind her.

She dropped her head and smiled. She should've known he wouldn't let her hide away for too long. She turned and gave him a little wave as he climbed onto the rooftop deck. "Hi."

He sat down next to her and looked up at the sky, just showing the first hint of dusk. "Everything okay?"

She nodded.

"How's Mark doing?"

She shrugged. "You know how it is. He's worried and frustrated and I can't give him the answers he wants." She sighed. "He never understood why I went military in the first place. I think he's a little angry now because..." she trailed off.

"You made up your mind. You want to come back, don't you?" Jack winced at the disappointment that came through in his voice.

"Yes. I think it's something I need to do." She turned to face him, and he thought that he saw a glimpse of the same regret he felt as she spoke. "If I resign, or transfer out of field work, it just feels like that's one more thing he's taken away from me. If anything, all this has just proven to me that we have to fighting them, we have to find a way to finish this."

He nodded his acceptance of what she was saying. "When do you want to come back?"

"I guess that's really up to you and the General, based on MacKenzie's reports. I feel like I'm almost ready."

He took a deep breath and leaned forward, gently capturing her face between his hands. "Then I guess I won't have much longer to do something like this," he said, as he softly kissed her. She grinned against his lips before returning the kiss, stepping up the pressure just slightly. They stayed that way for a few minutes, not allowing the embrace to build in passion, instead just sharing all the thoughts and feelings that they couldn't put into words.

After a while, they sat back, quiet, and even in the fading sunlight, Jack could see the conflict and guilt in Sam's eyes. She shook her head. "Jack, I... it's not that I don't want," she waved her hand between the two of them helplessly.

"I know, Sam." He grabbed her hand and held it. "It's not the right time now. But someday soon, it will be." It was a question as much as a promise, and he breathed a little easier at her answering smile.

They sat together, looking up at the sky. Then he heard her voice, quiet, almost as if she was talking to herself. "You were there, you know."

He glanced at her but she was still looking skyward. When she didn't volunteer any more information, he asked, "Where?"

She couldn't quite bring herself to look at him as she answered. "When Ugallu had me in that cell. Whenever the pain would get too awful, or if it was a particularly slow death." Her voice choked a bit over that word still. "I knew it was just a hallucination, at least I usually caught on pretty quickly, but still, it helped. You helped."

She turned her face back to his finally. "Thank you."

Jack's voice was a little rough when he replied. "I'm just glad you had something to help get you through." He remembered his own days in that damn Iraqi hellhole and the mental gyrations he had stumbled through to keep any shred of his sanity intact. That her psyche had conjured him up while she was stuck in her own personal hell made him feel a little bowled over.

Daniel's voice broke the spell. "Hey, you two, the steaks are ready! Get down here before Teal'c eats all of 'em."

They grinned at each as they rose together to head back down to the others.

~SG1~

From that point on, Sam began spending more time at the Mountain, stepping up her conditioning routine and hanging out in Daniel's office. Even without her security clearance officially reinstated, people were already dropping by anytime they heard she was on base to ask questions or guidance about projects. It was happening often enough that Daniel finally cleared a space for her to work.

As she neared the official end of her medical leave, she began to get antsy. So far, she had received no indication of whether she would be reinstated.

She was sitting in Daniel's office one morning, reviewing a proposed experiment and waiting for him to return from a staff meeting. She gave him just enough time to sit down when he came back to the office before closing the folder in front of her.

"Daniel, have they said anything about me coming back?" She inwardly winced when her attempt to sound casual missed by a mile.

Daniel looked perplexed. "You're in the therapy sessions, Sam. Hasn't MacKenzie mentioned something to you?"

She shook her head. "Not to me. I mean, we talk about how I'm progressing on a personal level, which is good," she hastened to affirm. "But I have no idea what he's putting in the official reports that are going to Hammond and the colonel."

"Are you worried about it?" he asked. It wasn't unthinkable that she was putting on a good face around the base while still struggling emotionally, but he liked to think she wouldn't feel the need to hide from him or the rest of SG-1. And as far as he could tell, her recovery was nothing short of miraculous.

"I don't think so," she answered slowly, turning the manila folder in lazy circles on the desktop. "I just feel like I'm ready. I want to be back out there."

"That's good to hear Major." She jumped to her feet at the sound of the colonel's voice from the doorway. She gave Daniel a glare before turning to see him leaning casually against the doorframe.

"Hello Colonel."

He stood up straight, and she noticed a folder in his hand. He offered it to her as he said, "Major Samantha Carter, as of Monday you are recalled to active duty. Mission briefing at 0930." The official business out of the way, he gave her a quick grin. "Welcome back, Carter."

"Thank you, Sir." She glanced back at Daniel who was beaming at her. "You knew!" she mouthed at him. A blank uber-innocent look was her only response. When she turned away, she saw Teal'c had arrived as well, wearing his 'I knew this would happen all along, but I still offer my congratulations' look. She had to take a deep breath to try to hold back the tears as she looked around at her team. Her team.

~SG1~

A type of hushed awe seemed to permeate the gateroom and the control room as everyone tried not to stare at SG-1, complete again for the first time in nearly a year, stood at the base of the ramp as the wormhole opened before them. Sam looked at the shimmering event horizon, allowing herself to feel the anxiety and nerves, recognizing them and moving on. She smiled as she heard the colonel give the order to move out.

She fell into step beside as he strode up the ramp and, with Teal'c and Daniel just behind them, they stepped together through the gate.

~Fin~


End file.
